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*~*Emotional Curiosity*~*

Tonight, a restless night for me. Filled with unsureness, unawareness, and most of all, curiosity. My mind wanders away from me, where no laundry or movie watching can side track my mind. I have managed to clean my house, fold laundry, do my dishes, watch a movie 3 times now, and do/or gather all the trash in my home. It hasn't been this clean in forever! I still need to put laundry away, along with dishes, sweep and mop the floors, and scrub the microwave. But on the other hand, my mind still wanders. I'm not sure if this is normal or not being I am young, and a person who anyone could get along with~I wonder....I wonder what is would be like to travel the world, near and far, stay out all night and be entertained by the people of the city, laugh with delight and excitement, look into someone's eyes and just say Thank You for being you. I find pleasure out of watching people have fun, and enjoy life. I'm curious about what that life might be like? I wish to travel to Italy, Paris, Rome and Spain..Most of all. I wish to dance the finest dances and hold next to me the partner who gracefully carries me across the floor. I smile at even the slightest thought. I wish to hold and help cure the sickest children and only wish the best for them and their family. I am curious to see what life would be like to travel the world and show the world the different dances, different cultures, the availability to learn. That anyone could do it. My heart is huge and it just keeps growing unawaringly. But, I like it. I love the feeling of love, to give and receive love. I enjoy the feeling of knowing that in some way, I am helping someone, or making someone happy. Even a slight smile fills my heart with love and that adrenaline rush that you can't get anywhere else. I can't get enough of it. Although, I feel I am stuck and my curiosity will only remain just that. My family, my life - it's all about doing things for others. I know that is where I get this all from. The restlessness, wanting to explore, care - wish nothing but the best for people. Even those who don't care much for me, I still wish them only the best. Forgive, but never forget. One of the best things I probably ever learned. I want to experience only the best. The excitement of life, the enjoyment of laughter, the smile of a child, the fact that I feel complete. Explore and enjoy. I am deeply curious and even more curious to actually explore it all. What more could a girl like me ask for other than the riches and fame? What good is that when you don't feel complete after getting it all? I just want to fulfill my dreams, curiosity and just live up life in the meantime. I really can't ask for anything else. Just to cure the curiosity.

Emotional Turmoil

What do you do when you feel like your life has been ripped out of you? When you feel like your heart has been ripped out and stomped on. How do you cure such a pain that you can't exactly explain? When you lose a life you can't bring that piece of your life back. You feel useless, hopeless-like it was your fault. There is nothing you can do. You have to let nature take the course it has chosen to take. In the meantime, you feel like you did it, it was/is your fault. What do you do? What can you do? What should you do? You want to beat yourself up over it, but it just makes you feel so much worse. You tell yourself there's nothing you can do but that uselessness feeling comes back. You lose apart of you that you can't gain back. A new transition that you have to start but you feel like a part of you is missing. That you can't make that transition with that piece missing. I want to try again-but I have a very large fear. I don't want to go through this again. It would only be harder. But, I want that piece back in my life. I need that piece. I am incomplete without that piece. I want to try again. I can't go on with my life without that piece. I need that piece. I will try again-but I only pray to every god that I don't experience this again, ever. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. I want my baby back.

My Emotional Turmoil......

So, the biggest question on my plate is...Where do I see myself in 1 year? Well, it's a question that many have asked me, and few seem to know me. I find myself to be creative, and most people would beat themselves up for thinking too long! Not me, a friend of mine says it's like putting your brain on a treadmill. Which is what I do, I let my mind run. I ask myself a lot of questions, I seem to have no answers for. I honestly think, I should have the answers though. I'm not a dark person, I love bright things, and anything with color. I am not a depressed person, I am happy all the time.(well, most) I have 4 very important people in my life who make me that way. Happy, energized, waking up in the morning to see what awaits for me, talking, laughing, kissing, hugging... It's never ending. My problem I guess would be, I'm torn. I have several gentlemen who are well...Interested....And, I don't want to take the chance of being hurt, or hurting anyone else. Another question arises, what do you do? What part of the brain do you listen too? Do you run around the city until you can't think of that person anymore? Do you go and steal roses for that person and pray they feel the same way? Do you write bad checks to have fun? Do you frantically clean your house just to give you something to do? What do you do???? Honestly??? I love the feeling of laughing and having fun. This person only makes it so much more fun. The excitement of what will be said, thought of...The next "move"... The feelings are endless, but yet....There are no words to describe them. I'm afraid to say anything, with of the fear of my friend running away. This person will be considered a friend until the end of time as far as I'm concerned. Just some floating questions that are left unanswered....

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