Do you ever wonder if you're consistently making bad decisions? Sometimes, I find myself sitting around thinking that maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should've done "this" different or "that" different. Maybe if I had gone "there" instead of "here," things would be completely different. I don't want to say that I regret something because I feel that everything happens for a reason, but I can't help but wonder how things would be different. Who would I be now? Who would I know? I've met some amazing people in my life and had some awesome experiences, but I'm afraid that my life is going nowhere... as though I've fucked up one too many times, and I'm stuck in a rut. How many bad decisions can you make or trouble can you get in before it takes over? Is my life just one big pattern of eff-ups? Am I emo for thinking so?
On more than one occasion, the same scenario has cycled over and over. There's a guy I'll be talking to for a while. He's an amazing to begin with, but as soon as I let him in, he immediately becomes this whole other person from the one I fell for and crushes me emotionally. I have to wonder if the two are connected in some way. It always seems that when I finally stop expecting someone to hurt me and let them in, that's when they decide to rip my heart out as violently as they can. I blame myself for falling for it every time, but what other choice do I have? Do I shut the world out and stop risking the pain? Or do I continue to get hurt again and again and become progressively more jaded until I'm bitter and alone?
I've almost always considered myself the hopeless romantic. That one person that everyone knows that believes that there's one person out there for everyone, and no matter how much you look, they'll find you when the time is right. My problem is I'm starting to doubt myself. What if I already missed that person? What if they never come? What if they reject me just like everyone else has before them?
The few guys I've met that were truly decent, I fucked it up in some way or another because I either expected them to be like the rest or I stopped thinking straight. It seems that I'm truly f***ed on both ends. The guys I think are genuinely nice turn out to be inconsiderate jerks, and the guys that turn out to be genuinely nice, I expect to be inconsiderate jerks and screw it up.
I'm rambling. My brain is so cluttered right now. I don't know why I wrote this, but it feels good to get it out. I'm sure someone somewhere will read this and have something harsh to say. To that person, suck my ass. It's my blog, and I'll pout if I want to.
