I am currently taking a Sociology class on close relationships, and we are learning about Adult/Mature love. According to Fromm, there are 4 different types of love:
1. Brotherly love
This is the love of equals. Partners focus on what they have in common, as opposed to their differences. There is a sense of oneness between the partners, and is the most basic or fundamental form of love.
2. Erotic love
This is a sexual love. There is a strong drive for physical union. Fromm argues that if a couple only have an erotic attraction and no other qualities (types of love), the relationship may not last long.
3. Companionate love
This is the love between friends, or when a romantic couple have achieved a level so deep, past the erotic love, that they are great friends. This is an evolutionary state of a romantic relationship. It has intimacy or commitment; it may or may not have passion or erotic love. This kind of love can also be an element of a parent-child relationship.
4. Agape love
This is called the sacrificial love, and it is when one person is willing to sacrifice more of themselves to their partner than the other person.
Fromm claims the best combination is brotherly love and erotic love. This provides the ideal foundation for a romantic relationship.
With these different types of love, comes his principles of love:
1. One cannot love others unless one loves own self
Fromm argues that self-love precedes the ability to love others.
2. We are loved because we love, not we love because we are loved (i.e. we love first)
3. “Standing in love” vs. “Falling in love”
“Standing in love” means one intends to follow through with love because one cares about their person.
“Falling in love” is going with feelings and emotions. But love is more than emotion - it requires taking a stand and making a commitment.
4. Love is a risk requiring faith and courage
But I think most importantly, something which we don’t all actually think about, are the elements of love:
Care - the action that is related to love. It involves labor - the main thing a person can give is himself, like giving time, thoughts, wisdom, etc. If you say you love roses, and have a garden of roses, but never water it or feed it, do you still love it?
Respect - the ability to look at a partner and see him/her the way that person is, not the way we want them to be. Here, one partner can sponsor the growth and development of the other person as they really are, as who they are meant to be, not who you want them to be. Possessing the ability to let this person be who they are, and not having to change them so they are a better fit for you.
Responsibility - not duty, but the ability to respond to the other person. With children, the needs are physical - providing food, warmth, hugs, etc. But with adults, it refers to responding to another person’s psychological needs.
Knowledge - knowing what is on the inside. A sense of knowing what comes without words. A sense of who this person is on the inside. You can feel and relate to the person. Wordless knowledge grows out of spending a lot of time with the other person.
Many of us know what love is, but may have never thought about the elements of love, different types of love, or the principles of love. I thought Fromm’s definitions put many people’s thoughts to words and helped to materialize the definition of love, if there ever was one. The most interesting thing I found was the element of Respect in love.Although this element may sound cliche and obvious, if you really think about it, it’s an extremely critical element that many people find hard to fully accept and master. And yet, at the same time, it is one of the most important elements in a relationship.
