Silence engulfs me, blanketing me with darkness of the night.
The world outside my shelter has ceased to interpret my meaning of life,
My pride silently has drifted away into another time and place.
Things have overtaken my purpose and this I can not face.
My mind has opened up into a transparent solitude,
And I begin to watch my life replay before my very eyes.
I watch as the years play by,
I knew I had a purpose yet I never why.
A child brought into the world should be a beautiful thing.
The innocence and love inside should never be disturbed.
Yet as the years flash by innocence is long ago forgotten
And the love sealed by a hardened casing nothing can penetrate.
I watch my life pay on and the opportunities die before me.
Silently I move my hand down arm, listening as the cylinder rolls.
Again I watch as the years play by.
Helping those whose hearts my soul has penetrated within.
I try to help them have a better life where maybe love will begin
I see as those I help find happiness and love inside,
Yet no one sees the tears that my mask does hide.
Big brother to all but for me theres no one to hold,
It's like a one sided love story needing to be told.
Once again I listen to the clicks as the cold cylinder rolls down my arm.
My life has generally been happy and free despite the hand that had been dealt to me.
I can not complain of the life I've lived and loved so well.
To some it's been like a fairytale their grandparents might tell.
From rags to riches and back in between.
I'd lived the life very few here have seen.
The clicks are now silent and my arm begins to raise,
I cry out to my god to forgive me and hear my praise.
I close my eyes and new visions flood my mind,
There are new feelings I'd found from the years I'd been blind.
True Love, of that I'd always been robbed.
No one had ever heard my cries or seen me sob.
My loneliness and pain I'd kept inside.
Always my feelings I'd forced to hide.
To late to save me Love came my way,
I wish my health would let me stay.
My heart has been touched as never before, but fate had sealed dooms sounding door.
The cold steel now presses to my head,
At last in mere moments I'd lie there dead.
Love was the fulfillment in life that was my need.
I'd been blessed with children that would carry my seed.
But they now will begin their own way down life's path of gold,
I pray they remember all they'd been told.
I did my best and had given my all,
And the love they've given has made me stand tall.
Slowly my thumb presses the hammer into place.
Soon I'd be leaving, praying for a better place.
And to the one that came to rescue my heart,
My love for you shall never part.
I'll be there beside you and stroke your hair,
But life as grand as it can be ended up being taken from me.
No bullets ever found their mark,
No explosions had ever left me lying in the dark,
Twas my serving my country to help others be free,
That caused my life to be taken from me.
Death dropped from the skies so blue,
Causing slow death and of that is is true.
It was suppose to clear out the foliage and make a path,
But it took out ten thousand soldiers, do the math.
My finger begins to make a steady pull and my thoughts are of her, who'd made me whole.
Our time together was short yet so sweet,
It took a lifetime before we would meet.
My purpose in life was never revealed to me,
But to her I say those words to set her heart free.
Your purpose may not ever be known to you,
But you've given me happiness and love with all you do.
Maybe your heart will hold in it a spot for me,
I guess my life just wasn't meant to be.
My mind now is racing and my thoughts are confused,
Tears run down my face and by my country I'd been used.
I'd held out for that love I thought I'd never find,
But in her it had come to me,
I don't want to leave it behind.
But her life would be filled with having to care for me,
And her soul trapped never to be free.
I can't ask her to accept just half a man,
Even though I know she'd do all she can.
The pain in my heart begins to come through,
There's only one thing left I can do.
I remove her picture from the pocket on my chest,
"Trust me Mary, It's for the best, You have so much yet to give, you can't do that if I were to live. Keep faith in God above and know it is you I will forever love."
I see a bright flash then hear voices all around.
There is no more loneliness, just happiness abound.
I see my family and all the friends I once had, yet there is something still making me sad.
I look down through the clouds in the sky, There is my Mary with tears in her eyes......
*******The Story behind The Story******
Though this sounds like a suicide note it's actually just the opposite. You have a man, a man who's life has been as full as 5 person's twice his age. He's experienced the world and all it's treasures, yet he'd been robbed as a child by the loss of his parents. He'd been robbed as a young teen when he went to 'nam for his teen years. He was a friend to all and did anything for his friends yet he was lonely and sad. He never knew true love yet searched for it all his life. One day when traveling to meet some friends he had a medical disorder and almost died. He found out he had contracted Agent Orange and it was taking his life. He accepted that and was ready to die. His kids were fairly well grown and didn't need him. His friends were all dead and he had no family.
He even began to think he had no purpose anymore. As his time clock ticked down to mere weeks to live he meets a woman whom felt like he'd known for years or maybe a prior life. He found true love yet was sentenced to die soon from his disease. It's true, he did have a gun up to his head and the trigger was in motion but then God sent him a vision of his purpose. His purpose was the woman he loved, that's when he seen her with tears in her eyes. Not only did he find purpose but he found hope and Most Of All LOVE... The trigger was fully pulled, that's why he saw the flash of light, but the bullet missed it's mark, even at point blank range.
No way you say? Do you believe in miracles?
Well listen to this, The bullet smashed into the wall next to him. It was perfectly in line with his temple.
Still don't believe in miracles? Well I'd tell you how he and his beloved Mary lived out many years together, raised their kids, loved and cherished each other til the day they died and then you'd believe in Miracles, but I don't have the time right now, I have to get back to Mary, she's calling my name.
***Story after story dedicated to Mary, the love of my life.
Renegadelvr
