D/s PHILOSOPHY
This will usually appeal to the women who are mature enough to
understand that intimacy is not physical...but mental and emotional,
who understands the difference between power and strength, and is
strong enough to be able to reveal to the right man, her
vulnerabilities, weakness, and insecurities, so he can accept,
cherish and protect them...
There should be a Dominant. Since he (assuming it is a man that is
the dominant, not always true) has the power, he has responsibilities
to the submissive. These include giving her pleasure, knowing and
doing what makes her happy, prodding her to be her best, helping her
reach HER goals and dreams, etc . He does not try to shape her in his
own preconceived image of what she should be, but instead helps her
blossom into the complete and wonderful person that she is. He knows
what is her best, what she wants, what is best for her because they
have totally open and honest communications. The Dom should respect
the Sub's advice and point of view, but the decision is his. This
assumes the Dom makes decision not based on ego or emotions, but
logically figures out what is the best decision. If the Dom does
something that hurts the Sub, she should be able to tell him in an
informative manner, not an attacking manner. The Dom will also tell
the Sub how he feels about her actions in an non attacking manner. As
I have often said, for the relationship to work, both sides must
respect the other to not attack and also to trust enough not to
assume an attack. That right there, which is a form of a break down
in communication, is what causes the most problems in relationships.
The Dom should be secure and strong enough to admit when he makes
mistake. Doms are not gods, they will make mistake, but once again if
the basic assumption is that there is respect and trust on both sides
then the mistake will be an honest one. Doms control not by fear, but
by building desire in the Sub to obey. Essentially, Doms have the
power and they use it to make the life of the sub more complete,
happy, not to abuse them...
In reality the way it works is that the Dom acts more as a discussion
leader then an arbitrary decision maker. By leading the sub through a
balanced discussion, including parts of the issue that the sub may be
unwilling to face, then the sub can make the right decision for
herself. Usually the Dom, because he knows his sub so well (due to
the open and honest relationship and the intense intimacy that it
brings) , can often see things that the sub cannot or will not admit.
Once the sub makes the decision, the Dom supports her, and possibly
helps her stay "motivated" (many wonderful ways of doing that :) in
implementing the decision...
The Submissive should obey her Dom, and strive to please him, for
essentially for one reason; because that is what makes her happy
(that assumes she trusts and respects him). Notice what I said should
be among the things that should please the Dom, prodding her to be
her best, helping her to reach HER goals and dreams. Thus, she is
motivated to do what she should do by TWO reasons now, first it is
what she wants to do, and because it will please her Dom. Because
there is open communication (something I demand), if the sub has a
problem either what her Dom says or anything else she tells him, she
should feel free in telling the Dom her opinion and thoughts, but
trust in him to make a fair decision...
Most subs start out with what could be called split personalities, a
somewhat Dominant, commanding persona, and a submissive, little girl
persona which she hides. A good Dom first builds the environment
where the submissive can let out the hidden persona and feel safe
doing so. It enables the sub to explore her self and her desires and
fantasies. Because the Dom accepts ALL of the sub, including the
hidden persona (actually if they are like me are attracted to that
persona), she should gain strength in her hidden persona, not look at
it as a flaw or weakness. This is the key to the D/s relationship,
and that is acceptance. In a battle of wills, you do not accept, you
fight to win. If someone exposes a weakness, you exploit it for
victory. Thus, both partners feel insecure because they have
a "secret" persona that one hides and feels threatened by...
The key to all of this, as it is in any relationship, is
communication both ways. The openness in a D/s relationship is what
is missing in most marriages. For one thing, openness, by constantly
expressing your thoughts and feelings in a non attacking manner to a
partner who is concerned with them, builds intimacy of the mind.
Mental intimacy is much more powerful in bonding then physical
intimacy. That is why cyber/long distance relationships can be so
intense and go so fast, because all you do is communicate, with
occasional physical meetings. Mental intimacy also leads to Mind Sex.
Mind Sex is the ability to make the sub orgasm with NO physical
contact by anyone, including no masturbation. Just your mind, her
mind and his voice. It creates a new level of intimacy...
Unfortunately in most relationships, because there is a battle of
wills, one does not want to open up completely for fear of giving
something that the other side can use against you. Thus as the battle
continues, communication and openness drops, and so does the intimacy
of the mind if it really ever existed...
People often confuse a D/s relationship with a Controlling one. My
former in-laws have that. The man is a controller, where he controls
just to have control and is not concerned really at all with his
partner's welfare. Generally the controller is so insecure that they
have to demonstrate their control over everything, thus they control
by using fear. (A Dom builds desire to obey, not fear) The woman
meekly obeys out of fear (no physical abuse but some emotional abuse)
and "for the good of the kids" even though now the kids have gone.
Her spirit has been broken and she survives by doing things behind
his back. Her children have told her to leave him, but that is not
the way of her generation. Many think this is what is meant by being
submissive. It is not. It is being weak, for she constantly gives and
never gets back. I personally think in a true complete relationship,
both sides get back much more then they put in, for why be in the
relationship if you do not benefit from it...
Bottom line, the D/s relationship is a circle where both sides
concentrate on meeting the needs and desires of the other from their
different roles. If one gets pleasure out of pleasing a partner, and
that is true of both sides, then the relationship is built on one
will, not two and the conflicts (assuming as always, that you have
picked the right partner) will be minimal. The relationship will
provide you the benefit of having someone you can be TRULY (mentally)
intimate with, and gain strength that comes from exposing your
perceived weaknesses and having your weaknesses nurtured and cared
for and turned into strengths. It is not about control, it is about
communication and mental intimacy...
The Paradox of D/s
The Dom paradox is the more the Dom concentrates on controlling...the
less he will control...therefore he needs to concentrate on building
desire....for that is how he should control....by desire...to make
the desire so strong...that the sub will do anything to please and
obey have that desire meet
The Dom therefore has to meet the needs, desires, pleasures of the
sub...just like the sub is doing for the dom. ( A circle)
Therefore, the sub also has control...directly...by saying no to the
relationship or using the safeword, or indirectly, by communicating
her needs, desires, pleasures...whether by a groan, a moan, a body
reaction...or words. (Another circle)
Thus, sub paradox is the more control she uses (communicates) the
more control she loses. and the more control she loses...the more
freedom she gains.
D/s LOVE
Many people define love....as wanting something very strongly. It can
often include jealousy, desire, and lust...just the amount of it
determines whether it is love or not.
I believe there is only one kind of love...for ALL types of
relationship (romantic, parental, friend, etc)....Pure Love. Pure
love is free of want....desire...lust...jealousy....for those are
separate emotions. Pure love....is simply caring for someone to the
point where you want what is best for the other person. Pure love
means you put them at least as high...if not higher priority then
yourself. It means you give them...or help them
achieve, what they NEED...not necessarily what they want. (Putting
their needs before their wants.)
Pure Love is generally NOT enough to build a circular loving
relationship...what ALL of us NEED in our lives. A circular loving
relationship also must have intimacy, passion (passion is a separate
emotion from love), compatibility, faith, trust, respect,
communication...and should be circular. Being circular, means both
partners...focus on meeting the other partners needs, wants, and
desires...for that is what fulfills them, makes them happy. Most
marriages and relationships lack this...unfortunately...
Men and women look at love differently. Generally, women "love" (love
means likes a lot, or desires alot...makes them feel real good) the
way a man makes them feel (a totally emotional response) and
men "love" the way the woman fulfills the roles (wife, sex partner,
maid, etc) he has in his head (a totally logical response). But love
in reality does not exist....because there is no intimacy...and if
you do not really KNOW the person...then how can you truly love them?
Love is most often defined in this situation as "excitement". The
relationship is exciting, new, fun, etc., and this gets confused with
love. Pure Love is based on WHO the person is, the character,
principles, personality, not on excitement. Love based on excitement,
dies when the excitement dies, which often happens when children are
brought into the relationship...
What women really want from a circular loving relationship...is not
just to FEEL cherished (to be romanced), which often is just
manipulation and often just words...but to BE cherished which is the
everyday actions, taking the time of getting to know, understand, and
accept the person and taking the time to meet someone's needs. What a
man wants...is for the woman to have faith in him...complete and
total faith (this assumes the man is worthy of the faith). This is
why, in my opinion, D/s, in perfect submission is the ultimate
expression of love. For this is the circle of love that D/s
generates....if the woman gives such absolute faith and trust in the
man, so that she totally submits...completely gives herself to
him...and the man uses that power...that "control" in the best
interest of the sub, to meet HER needs, desires and wants....then the
woman has given the man the ultimate level of faith...of love...and
the man gives the woman the ultimate level of cherishment...of love.
The more faith the woman gives, the better able the man is to cherish
the woman...the more the man cherishes the woman, the more faith she
will have in him...and so it feeds on each other...a circular
relationship, that is continually building, intensifying, deepening.
This takes two very strong people to do....but in such a
relationship....there would be no doubt....of the love between the
two...
For you, for a submissive, a loving relationship and D/s are
intertwined, inseparable
