HeavenIsTheMomentInLifeWhenYouActuallyFe...'s blog: "drunken stupers..."

Well I hate to admit But I'm wrong I'm drunk right now You hear that drinking sobers the mind Well Obviously that's true... I've been contemplating on saying things I can't oh god I can't... I've repeated all the things that I've said before Nothing more, nothing less I don't want to admit it, So I wont It'll sit and fester there for as long as I let it. I'll be numb so I wont care anyways I just want to see him happy Nothing else, nothing more I don't care about me I care about him I know I shouldn't but I do I've tried not to, but there is something about him... I am envious of all he's had, of all he'll have Of anyone who's occupied his mind Anything that's come in contact with him at all Breathe Shut up bitch Stop thinking Stop thinking, just breathe You're a stupid bitch, You don't deserve any of that, you never will, get it out of your mind, out of your soul... Don't think about it at all Remeber your past Your worth and where it lays... I've talked to him, Touched him with my bare hands... I'm sure he's real but not real enough.... He's not real to me... He's someone else's dream that came into my own.. Take him back I can't have him I want him but I can't... Forgive my drunken stuper I'm praying that I don't say too much I'm praying that I wont remember this in the morning I'm praying that he's just happy I'm praying that I can help him get what he want. See him be happy than maybe It'll all go away Whatever it is.... Whatever we had, it's so sureal When He'd touch me When He'd kiss me My knees would buckle from under me I tried to hide It I don't know how well I did I don't care about all of that I just want him to be happy Please be with her... GO TO HER.. if she makes you happy, please just please But don't ask me not to be numb It's the only way I can... You know it.. I'm tired of dealing and I don't know if I can But we'll soon see if I have enough in me for one more... I hope that I can be that strong... I think with this beer in me I can start to be I'm sorry I said I would try I tried, I'm just not good enough But I'll still be here for you I want to be your friend that never stoped us before... Let me be here for you Cry on my sholder Let your tears be mine.. Let me stand up for the both of us Let me be here for you I'm sorry I'm like this I don't know how else to let this out I can't say it to your face That seems to be a problem... We, US, You and I, that's a problem... That's what it is.. whatever it is... it's a problem, one that I've enjoyed thoughly... so thank you now let me do something for you... Let me help you become happy...

Name:Manna Birthday:Dec, 02 1984 Birthplace:Monticello Minnesota Current Location:Washington STATE Eye Color:Hazel Hair Color:Blonde Height:5'1 Right Handed or Left Handed:right and sometimes left Your Heritage:GOOD GOD way too many, mostly those that were white lol The Shoes You Wore Today:ummm none.... Your Weakness:ummm... not saying... Your Fears:after death Your Perfect Pizza:Stuffed curst and conadian baccon Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:ummm I would love to get a new viola Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:LOL and just about anything I use on a daily basis... Thoughts First Waking Up:My eyes hurt Your Best Physical Feature: People say my smile and my eyes Your Bedtime:4 am Your Most Missed Memory:best left unsaid lol Pepsi or Coke:Pepsi MacDonalds or Burger King: I love burger king... but I can't have hamburger... allergic... *sigh* Single or Group Dates:neither Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:neither Chocolate or Vanilla:Vanilla Cappuccino or Coffee:Coffee Do you Smoke:not often Do you Swear:More often than not lol Do you Sing:yup yup yup Do you Shower Daily:hell yes Have you Been in Love:yes... Do you want to go to College:later Do you want to get Married:don't want to again... Do you belive in yourself:sometimes lol Do you get Motion Sickness:nope Do you think you are Attractive:Sure Are you a Health Freak:Sometimes Do you get along with your Parents:nope Do you like Thunderstorms:yes *trembles* nummy Do you play an Instrument:16 and read the music = 0 ) my pride and joy lol In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:yes I have In the past month have you Smoked:yep In the past month have you been on Drugs:no In the past month have you gone on a Date:kinda In the past month have you gone to a Mall:nope In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:nope In the past month have you eaten Sushi:no In the past month have you been on Stage:no In the past month have you been Dumped:no In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:no In the past month have you Stolen Anything:no Ever been Drunk:FUCK YEAH! Ever been called a Tease:used to all the time Ever been Beaten up:once Ever Shoplifted:nope How do you want to Die:I'm not, I'm going to be a vampire! What do you want to be when you Grow Up:too late What country would you most like to Visit:Russia In a Boy/Girl.. Favorite Eye Color:n/a Favorite Hair Color:I like n/a lol Short or Long Hair:short Height: taller than I Weight: built/muscular Best Clothing Style:things that fit Number of Drugs I have taken:does mj count? Number of CDs I own:over 200 something I counted once lol Number of Piercings:2 Number of Tattoos:0 but I want a full body tat... Number of things in my Past I Regret:there are somethings that I look back on, but I don't know if I would really regret some of them...

I was talking to my friend tonight... And wow... Am I really that bad??? "why don't you do anything for yourself?" Why? Becuase I don't deserve it... I really don't... I want everyone to be happy dispite what it costs me because others happiness is more important... all I kept hearing was why... and "what do you want?" It doesn't matter what I want becuase I can't have what I want... I'm never going to get what I want... and you know why? Because I wont let myself... I push everyone so far away becuase I don't want to get hurt and the times that I do well it ends up like this... Me alone... I'm not fine with that... I'm really not but I am at the same time.. .as long as everyone else is happy... so now I'm sitting here intoxicated thinking... and ya'll that's not a good thing for me... I just want everyone to be happy... I'm going to be selfish... and I'm going to go so far away that no one would even know where to find me... that no one would care... some of you say you do, but I've been there and heard that before and only two people have always been there for me dispite all of the drama with us and in their lives... they have been there for me when my husband was being a pansey ass whore and when I was alone in Iowa, when myl foot was broken and when I needed someone to lean on, finically or emotionally no matter how short or long it was... My "mother" was never there... and man oh man do I miss my real mom.. I miss her so much... I wish I could talk to her... and it hurts that I can't... she is the only person I've ever cried this much over... and I hate crying... I was taught to cry is to be weak... Woo-ah right daddy???? Oh GoD save me please... just save me from myself... i'm cracking right now... my bottle is overflowing... and I don't know what to do.... God bless Intoxication... or however you spell it.. I'm going by memory now... I'm going to go lay my sorrows in bed now... night ya'll...

Well I hate to admit But I'm wrong I'm drunk right now You hear that drinking sobers the mind Well Obviously that's true... I've been contemplating on saying things I can't oh god I can't... I've repeated all the things that I've said before Nothing more, nothing less I don't want to admit it, So I wont It'll sit and fester there for as long as I let it. I'll be numb so I wont care anyways I just want to see him happy Nothing else, nothing more I don't care about me I care about him I know I shouldn't but I do I've tried not to, but there is something about him... I am envious of all he's had, of all he'll have Of anyone who's occupied his mind Anything that's come in contact with him at all Breathe Shut up bitch Stop thinking Stop thinking, just breathe You're a stupid bitch, You don't deserve any of that, you never will, get it out of your mind, out of your soul... Don't think about it at all Remeber your past Your worth and where it lays... I've talked to him, Touched him with my bare hands... I'm sure he's real but not real enough.... He's not real to me... He's someone else's dream that came into my own.. Take him back I can't have him I want him but I can't... Forgive my drunken stuper I'm praying that I don't say too much I'm praying that I wont remember this in the morning I'm praying that he's just happy I'm praying that I can help him get what he want. See him be happy than maybe It'll all go away Whatever it is.... Whatever we had, it's so sureal When He'd touch me When He'd kiss me My knees would buckle from under me I tried to hide It I don't know how well I did I don't care about all of that I just want him to be happy Please be with her... GO TO HER.. if she makes you happy, please just please But don't ask me not to be numb It's the only way I can... You know it.. I'm tired of dealing and I don't know if I can But we'll soon see if I have enough in me for one more... I hope that I can be that strong... I think with this beer in me I can start to be I'm sorry I said I would try I tried, I'm just not good enough But I'll still be here for you I want to be your friend that never stoped us before... Let me be here for you Cry on my sholder Let your tears be mine.. Let me stand up for the both of us Let me be here for you I'm sorry I'm like this I don't know how else to let this out I can't say it to your face That seems to be a problem... We, US, You and I, that's a problem... That's what it is.. whatever it is... it's a problem, one that I've enjoyed thoughly... so thank you now let me do something for you... Let me help you become happy...