I'm trying to keep my grasp on reality right now, but what exactly is my reality? I seem to have lost all control of everything. I don't know if I'm happy or sad, excited or mad, or have I just become a mess of emotions that are dont mean a thing to anyone but myself? I dont write anymore, I dont sing. My outlets have been blocked and I'm drowning. And no one is here to listen to my pathetic shit. I'm being pulled in all different directions, and with things coming to an end in a short while, I havent done a damn thing. I want my independence more than anything, I want my own ideas and thoughts, I want to be the person I want to be, and I'm not. I'm smothered. I concern myself with everyone else's problem, and giving love to everyone else, while receiving none of it. A close friend told me that it wasnt always lonely to be alone, and maybe hes right. Maybe love is worthless. It only brings pain. I'm tired of being destroyed, and rebuilding just to be destroyed again. I'm going to stop. Just stop everything, and be me, the person I was 3 years ago, the person who loved life and was perfectly content on having fun and laughing and joking around. The person who had her own thoughts and ideas and feelings, who stuck to her word and wasnt so cynical. But I was destroyed. (He)wanted me to change, and I did. For (him). And I haven't made it back to normalcy. But I want you to know how I am, the person I can be. The one with the thoughts and ideas, the one who feels just like you do, the person you can count on. But you wont ever know that person. Nothing can get me back to that person, all I can do is try, and be someone I like.
But none of that matters.
