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Lo's blog: "Goddess"

created on 03/06/2008  |  http://fubar.com/goddess/b195373
As we drove I stared out of the car window. Thinking many things.Many things. The air was warm and I let my left hand hang outside, my fingers playing on the breeze. Grass is tall in the country party of where I live. It bends and blows along the highway as we drive. Just a wave of green. The sky was more grey then blue. My sunglasses rested on my nose. And I though of many things. All of the people who were once in my life. And the handful that are still standing here. I shake my head and light a cigarette. "Did you know I love you?"Melanie stated. Her tone was singsong and she placed her right hand onto my left. I smiled softly. "I know." I looked at her. "Did you know that I love you as well?" She laughed. "Of course I do! I've known it since we were 12!" I laughed with her, and then smiled thinking about the shy girl that I was then. It was picture day, my hair was nearly perfect (or so I thought) and I asked to borrow her lipgloss. The rest...is 20 years of ups and downs. Marriage.. divorce.. children..miscarriages. Family picnics and Vacations. Deaths. Life. Us. "God it's gone so fast." I murmer..but she hears and shifts gears in the little car we're in. "It has" she agrees "I swear that it feels like yesterday we were sleeping on top of Half-dome. In our bras and panties no less!" I laugh at the picture of us in my mind. Smoke rises slowly from my lips. I stare out the window again...and reach over to take her hand. I squeeze it. And rub the back with my thumb. The car is quiet and we drive. No music plays. My fingers move on the wind. "I don't want to die." She states. Her eyes are fixed on the road ahead of us. I turn my head quickly and inhale deeply. The thought is incomprehensible to me. "You won't." She sniffs and tears run down her face. I reach over and smooth them away with my fingers. "We will do this." I look out of the window, and then back to her. I say it louder. "WE WILL do this." She nodds hard. "But if something was to happen...I have to think of my kids." "Of course you do." My fingers tighten on hers. "James says he want's them.." "NO." I cut her off. "James cannot have them. He is no father." She nods her head. "I mean...my mom could take them but Cameron is so much...and.." She gulps and tries to breathe. I look at her. "Just say you want me to have em...because I know that you do, and I know thats what your trying to work on asking...so just say it already." "I do..I ...Please would you take my kids. No one loves them like you do, and you are patient with cam..." "Of course I will, now don't give it another thought." While thoughts run through my head about how I will afford being a single mother to 4. But I don't say anything. Or look concerned. It is an effort and I feel selfish because of that effort. "You and I have seen and been through some pretty fucked up times together....Rape..." she cringes "Sneaking your ass out of town in the middle of the night.." she laughs. "We'll get through this too." Our hands clench. And so we will.
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