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I've been remembering all my dreams since the hurricane. I'm pretty sure it's because I've been waking up in the middle of the night consistently. But my dreams have been incredibly vivid. For the first time since I was a kid, I've had this new reoccurring dream three or four times in the last month. I'm sitting on a boat in a winding river. The river is not very wide and the banks are covered in vegetation. It could easily be the Kennebeck in Maine, but I'm not positive about that. It's a beautiful day and I'm lazily floating along when a ghostly figure appears in the boat with me. At this point I recall a memory of a girl having died in some unfathomable way (having a memory within a dream has always been fascinating to me.) The figure turns into the girl and I at once feel a strong sense of guilt for having not aided her in averting her death. Her face becomes distorted as the guilt increases. Her mouth widens and sharp teeth protrude from her gums. Her face becomes elongated and pale gray like on a black and white television screen. Even though her face would not frighten me when I am awake, a panic and fear overcomes me to the extent that I am terrified even to look at her. I try to look away and even cover my eyes, but my gaze continues to be drawn back to her malformed face. Finally, I realize that the weather has been deteriorating and the conditions approaching are treacherous. That's when the dream ends and I wake up with Jack up in my face. Each time I've had the dream, the girl's face has been more frightening than the previous time. I'm still uncertain of my relationship to the girl, but I feel like if the dreams continue I'll be able to figure out more. There is a bit of lucidity to them and I possess a certain amount of control of my actions, not my feelings. If anyone would like to interpret it, you've got the green light. Now for a small intimation that's not intended for those of a light heart. Last night I woke up to Jack standing over me in the bed. I decided to remain face down, and feign sleep. He then proceeded to mildly vomit onto my naked back. I heard it and felt it. Not one of my proudest moments. I then got out of bed and wiped myself off. I don't know why I felt the need to share this with the world. There you have it. Take it for what you will. Alex is coming down to Louisiana on Saturday to do research for her Anthropology project on the effects of Katrina. Even though the timing is perfectly horrible, I'm trying my best to accomodate her. I feel like I can be a really useful resource, but I always get a little nervous when I try to take care of my friends. I never know if I'm doing enough. I mean, grades for the first nine weeks are due on Tuesday and I've got a lot on my plate, but she needs my help so I'm going to do my best to be there for her. Even though I won't be able to spend all my time with her, it will be very nice to have a familiar face around. She's one of those people who always makes me feel special when I have her undivided attention. There are people out there who are like that. I don't know what it is about them, maybe because there always seems to be others fighting for their attention and when you attain it you seem more important. I guess that's the crux of it. It's nice to feel important, to feel like a priority in someone's life. That was always a tough thing about having divorced parents. Your parents can tell you over and over again that you are the most important person in their lives, but the divorce seems to automatically betray that trust. That's why it's always difficult for me to embrace my friends' new girlfriends or boyfriends. They may be the most amazing person in the world, but even still, at this point of my life, it consequently betrays my trust. Even though my friends have done nothing wrong by having a significant other. When I was a teenager, it was much more difficult for me. But years of experience and pot have mellowed my frustration to the point where it's a non-issue now. I guess that's a sign of maturity. It's always comforting to have that revelation that you've become mature. At the same time, it's heartbreaking when you go through a similar situation and feel like you've regressed. I feel like I haven't regressed in a long time. A little pat on the back is necessary. Well, I've rambled on like the theme song of Deliverance. Time to set it free. By the way...I know why the cage bird sings Fiona...do you?
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