July 23, 2007
Holy shit it's been 7 weeks since my brother died. The last few nights have been really hard. The last dream I had about my brother was a couple days ago.
I was at Tim's funeral. I was talking to someone about Tim and noticed that his hands weren’t folded like they were supposed to be. I went and told the funeral director that I thought people where touching Tim’s hands too much and they were moving them. He told me that there was no way his arms could be moved cause of the state of his body. So I went and talked to some family member. I was talking to an uncle and out of the corner of my eye I saw Tim moving. When I looked at him he was moving. I was the only one who could see Tim move. His eyes and mouth where shut, but his arms where moving. He was moving kind of slow like if he was in water.
I had a dream when I was in CA that made me think that I wasn’t going to have any more dreams about Tim.
In the dream there was a huge white staircase, and there was a lot of smoke or clouds around it. I was standing at the bottom of the staircase, and the first thought in my head was “I’m dead, oh shit I have to wake up. I can’t leave Dan and Annalyse” then I hear a voice say “NO, wait I need to talk to you.” When I look up I see Tim standing at the top of the staircase. He’s wearing the tux he was buried in. he looks at the ground and tells me that he’s sorry he left me, but he had to. I told him that I don’t know if I can live without him. He told me “you’re a very strong person that’s why I was chosen” I asked Tim what happened to him; he told me he couldn’t tell me. I had to find out in time. I asked him if it hurt when he died. Tim said he couldn’t feel anything but warmth. Tim then sat on the top step and told me that mom and dad cry every day. I said “I know.” Tim then told me “I’m sorry I hurt you so much, I didn’t want to leave you.” after about 5 minutes Tim stood up and said ”I want to give you a hug Claire, but I can’t. I can’t touch you.” I ran up those stairs as fast as I could and threw my arms around Tim’s neck. He just stood there. I whispered in his ear “I love you Tim, I miss you so much.” He told me he knew and that he loved me to, and that everything was going to be ok. He then disappeared and I was left standing there hugging air and crying my eyes out. I then woke up of course.
I miss Tim’s hugs soo much. Every time I hear the phone I wish it would be him. I want to answer the phone and hear Tim’s voice saying “Wasabi.” I don’t know how to live my life without him. I think that if I didn’t ALWAYS have an appetite I would have starved to death 6 weeks ago. I don’t think my daughter looks like me, and for that I’m grateful. Tim and I did look a lot alike. If I had to look at someone who looks like Tim all day every day I don’t know what would have happened to me.
I have always had strange dreams. My mind always wonders. I have a very active imagination. All this leads to being very scared, stressed, and depressed. I have dealt with all this for a long time. Tim’s death has increased all this 300%. I am just very good at putting on a happy face and hiding everything. That wont change.
My dreams started 2 weeks after Tim died. My dad’s dreams about Tim started 4 weeks after Tim’s death. My mom’s just had her first dream about Tim 7 weeks after his death.
Her dream was about her and my dad in a museum taking a bunch of kids on a field trip. As she was wondering around and suddenly it got brighter right above her. She looked up and saw Tim. He was just floating there. My mom ran and got my dad and asked him if he could see Tim too. My dad could see Tim too. Tim was floating there with a big smile on his face waving at my mom and dad.
Now why can’t I have dreams like that?
Oh and a tip for people near me, words don’t always help. Talking about Tim does a tiny bit. I’m the kind of person who needs a lot of affection. I feel like I’m all alone. Before it always felt like Tim was watching me, he doesn’t watch me anymore. I feel like people are ignoring me. I know everyone has their own life and the world can’t revolve around me. It would cause global warming 1,000,000,000 years too early. I don’t want or expect anyone to change anything for me I just wanted to express my feeling.
