Lost Angel's blog: "Domestic Voilence"

Domestic abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of age, economic status, race and educational background. Find out how to recognize an abusive relationship and what resources are available to help. He says he's sorry and that it won't happen again. But you fear it will. Angry outbursts, hurtful words, sometimes a slap or a punch. You may start to doubt your own judgment, or wonder whether you're going crazy. Maybe you think you've imagined the whole thing. But you haven't. Domestic violence can and does happen to people of all ages, races, and socioeconomic and educational backgrounds. Domestic violence happens to men and to same-sex partners, but most often domestic violence involves men abusing their female partners. In fact, the Department of Health and Human Services estimates that as many as 4 million women suffer abuse from their husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends or intimate partners in the United States each year. Domestic violence — also called domestic abuse, intimate partner violence or battering — occurs between people in intimate relationships. It takes many forms, including coercion, threats, intimidation, isolation, and emotional, sexual and physical abuse. Without help, abuse will continue and could worsen. Many resources are available to help you understand your options and to support you. No one deserves to be abused. An abusive relationship: It's about power and control Though there are no typical victims of domestic violence, abusive relationships do share similar characteristics. In all cases, the abuser aims to exert power and control over his partner. "A lot of people think domestic violence is about anger, and it really isn't," says Diana Patterson, a licensed social worker and violence prevention coordinator at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn. "Batterers do tend to take their anger out on their intimate partner. But it's not really about anger. It's about trying to instill fear and wanting to have power and control in the relationship." But anger is just one way that an abuser tries to gain authority. The batterer may also turn to physical violence — kicking, punching, grabbing, slapping or strangulation, for example. The abuser may also use sexual violence — forcing you to have sexual intercourse or to engage in other sexual activities against your will. In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use varying tactics to gain power and control, including: Children as pawns. Accuses you of bad parenting, threatens to take the children away, uses the children to relay messages, or threatens to report you to children's protective services. Coercion and threats. Threatens to hurt other family members, pets, children or self. Denial and blame. Denies that the abuse occurs and shifts responsibility for the abusive behavior onto you. This may leave you confused and unsure of yourself or make you feel like you're going crazy. Economic abuse. Controls finances, refuses to share money, makes you account for money spent and doesn't want you to work outside the home. The abuser may also try to sabotage your work performance by forcing you to miss work or by calling you frequently at work. Emotional abuse. Uses put-downs, insults, criticism or name-calling to make you feel bad about yourself. Intimidation. Uses certain looks, actions or gestures to instill fear. The abuser may break things, destroy property, abuse pets or display weapons. Isolation. Limits your contact with family and friends, requires you to get permission to leave the house, doesn't allow you to work or attend school, and controls your activities and social events. The abuser may ask where you've been, track your time and whereabouts, or check the odometer on your car. Power. Makes all major decisions, defines the roles in your relationship, is in charge of the home and social life, and treats you like a servant or possession. Recognizing abuse: Know the signs It may not be easy to identify abuse. An abusive relationship can start subtly. The abuser may criticize your appearance or may be unreasonably jealous. Gradually, the abuse becomes more frequent, severe and potentially life-threatening. "It's important to know that these relationships don't happen overnight," says Patterson. "It's a gradual process — a slow disintegration of a person's sense of self." However, many characteristics signify an abusive relationship. For example, you may be abused if you: Have ever been hit, kicked, shoved or threatened with violence Feel that you have no choice about how you spend your time, where you go or what you wear Have been accused by your partner of things you've never done Must ask your partner for permission to make everyday decisions Feel bad about yourself because your partner calls you names, insults you or puts you down Limit time with your family and friends because of your partner's demands Submit to sexual intercourse or engage in sexual acts against your will Accept your partner's decisions because you're afraid of ensuing anger Are accused of being unfaithful Change your behavior in an effort to not anger your partner Pregnancy is a particularly perilous time for an abused woman. Not only is your health at risk, but also the health of your unborn child. Abuse can begin or may increase during pregnancy. Breaking the cycle: Difficult, but doable with help Domestic violence is part of a continuing cycle that's difficult to break. If you're in an abusive situation, you may recognize this pattern: Your abuser strikes using words or actions. Your abuser may beg for forgiveness, offer gifts or promise to change. Your abuser becomes tense, angry or depressed. Your abuser promises to stop but repeats the abusive behavior. Typically each time the abuse occurs, it worsens, and the cycle shortens. Breaking this pattern of violence alone and without help is difficult. "When you live in an environment of chaos, stress and fear, you start doubting yourself and your ability to take care of yourself," says Patterson. "It can really unravel your sense of reality and self-esteem." So it's important to recognize that you may not be in a position to resolve the situation on your own. You may need outside help, and that's OK. Without help, the abuse will likely continue. Leaving the abusive relationship may be the only way to break the cycle. Getting ready to leave: Use a safety plan Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. You're the only person who knows the safest time to leave. Make sure you prepare a safety plan so that you can act quickly when the time is right. Consider taking these precautions: Arrange a safety signal with a neighbor as an alert to call the police if necessary. Prepare an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes, important papers, money, extra keys and prescription medications. Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there, even if you have to leave in the middle of the night. Call a local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 to find out about legal options and resources available to you, before you need them. If you have school-age children, notify the school authorities about custody arrangements, warn them about possible threats and advise the school on what information to keep confidential. As part of a safety plan, avoid making long-distance phone calls from home because the abuser could trace the calls to find out where you're going. And the abuser may be able to intercept your cell phone conversations using a scanner. Switch to a corded phone if you're relaying sensitive information. Also, be aware that the abuser may be able to monitor your Internet activities and access your e-mail account. Change your passwords, get a new e-mail account or access a computer at a friend's house or a local library. Where to find help: Options abound In an emergency situation, call 911 or your local law enforcement agency. If you aren't in immediate danger, consider contacting one of the following resources: National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE or (800) 799-7233. Provides crisis intervention and referrals to in-state or out-of-state resources, such as women's shelters or crisis centers. Your doctor or hospital emergency room. Treats any injuries and refers you to safe housing and other local resources. Local women's shelter or crisis center. Typically provides 24-hour, emergency shelter for you and your children, advice on legal matters, advocacy and support services, and evaluation and monitoring of abusers. Some shelters have staff members who speak multiple languages. Counseling or mental health center. Most communities have agencies that provide individual counseling and support groups to women in abusive relationships. Be wary of anyone who advises couples or marriage counseling. This isn't appropriate for abusive relationships. Local court. Your district court can help you obtain a court order, which legally mandates the abuser stay away from you or face arrest. These are typically called orders for protection or restraining orders. Advocates are available in many communities to help you complete the paperwork and guide you through the court process. "There are many resources available to help you if you are being abused." says Patterson. "You can have and you deserve a peaceful life." By Mayo Clinic Staff May 20, 2005 © 1998-2006 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). All rights reserved. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only.

Dear God: Why didn't you save the school children at... Moses Lake, Washington 2/2/96 Bethel, Alaska2/19/97 Pearl, Mississippi10/1/97 West Paducah, Kentucky12/1/97 Stamp, Arkansas12/15/97 Jonesboro, Arkansas3/24/98 Edinboro, Pennsylvania4/24/98 Fayetteville, Tennessee5/19/98 Springfield, Oregon5/21/98 Richmond, Virginia6/15/98 Littleton, Colorado4/20/99 Taber, Alberta, Canada5/28/99 Conyers, Georgia5/20/99 Deming, New Mexico11/19/99 Fort Gibson, Oklahoma12/6/99 Santee, California3/ 5/01 and El Cajon, California3/22/01? Sincerely, Concerned Student ----------------------------------------------------- Reply: Dear Concerned Student: I am not allowed in schools. Sincerely, God

by Jennifer Good "Well-intentioned" people; nearly every couple knows at least one. In fact, we could all probably rattle off a few names in a matter of minutes. They are the ones that are constantly advising you about your partner's habits or lifestyle in the most well-meaning of tones; the ones who can't help but comment on some misfortune you've had or who mysteriously appear when they need something from you. And, they are the ones who are slowly, and not so silently, zapping the life and happiness from your relationship. The worst part is that you may not even realize it is happening! The good news is there is a way to limit their effect on you and your relationship. It just takes a few conscious changes and an agreement as a couple to put those changes into effect. The first step is to realize there is a problem. So, to start you'll need to understand how they are harmful to your relationship. Before taking any action, decide what it is about that person that is a negative influence. Do they make harmful comments? Do they fail to be supportive? Do they fail to contribute equally to the friendship? Do you find yourselves feeling better or worse after spending time with them? Are they draining you emotionally or financially? Really take a look at the overall effect the person is having on your life. Do they call you constantly to rattle off their problems, but never help you with yours? Have you offered countless solutions to help them out, but they never seem to take any advice? Do they continually visit without notice? If you have children, are they setting the type of example you want your children to view and uphold? Once you've determined to what extent they are a problem, you'll need to figure out a way to dissolve the effect they are creating. The most effective way is to remove them from your relationship completely. That means no more communication, unless it is completely unavoidable. Unfortunately, you can't go around breaking off ties with every person you or your partner may find disagreeable. This is especially true if the trouble source is a family member, co-worker, long-time family friend or part of some other integral aspect of your life. In such cases, you will need to apply a more realistic approach. First, you will need to cut off communication for as long as you possibly can. View this period of time as one of getting back to what's important…without the distractions. You need this time alone to remember what it's like without the interrupting influence and, to be honest, to unwind. You may only need a weekend or you may need a few weeks. You'll know when the time is right to make contact again. If you can't remove them, find a way to remove yourself for a short time as this alone time for you as a couple is extremely important. Secondly, you and your partner should talk about what expectations and feelings you have about this situation. Agree to some common ground rules. These could be anything from agreeing to only seeing the person once a month, or making sure you change the subject anytime they start to talk about something mutually unpleasant. When you are ready to initiate contact again, find ways to limit their effect on you. For example, make the time you spend together limited, such as going to a movie, dinner or other social function. Meet them at the destination, and make sure they know ahead of time you need to leave when the function is over. Keep your contact in controlled environments such as the ones mentioned above. Don't invite them to your home unless absolutely necessary. In the event it is necessary, arrange to have another friend or family member there to avoid unwanted communication. I wouldn't recommend telling the other person why they are there. The point is to have a neutral person (or people) there to limit any outbursts or behavior you do not desire. Come across as a unified front. Make sure the person knows that if they are harassing one of you, they are harassing the both of you. Support each other first, and do not take sides. If you really disagree about something, do it in private where you can both talk about it openly and comfortably. Lastly, realize that the only way someone can have a real negative effect on you is if you let them. Sometimes just knowing that you don't need to take what they say or do personally is enough to make the time spent with that person more pleasant. Remember to find the strength in each other to combat outside forces. Your relationship and your family unit should always come first. Please Note: This article does not take into consideration roommates, friends or family members living with you.

by Bob Narindra You'd be surprised at how many people suffer through abusive relationships… and not just women. Both emotionally and physically abusive relationships are happening with increased frequency. Abuse can take many different forms. Of course, the most famous type of abuse is physical abuse. Mental abuse, however, can be just as harmful, if not more so. Mental abuse is becoming increasingly prevalent in society. For this reason, in this article I will concentrate on how to detect and handle mental abuse. Mentally abusive people have one goal - to destroy your self-worth. They do this by a variety of methods including, but not limited to, verbal threats, demoralization, alienation of friends and family, and by putting down any positive impulses you have. Some examples of mental abuse are: Telling you that you are worthless. Not allowing you to have any contact with you friends or family unless cleared by them first. Threatening to leave if you don't do what they say. Making it seem like the whole world is against you with sayings such as "Everybody knows you are a failure." or "They are all talking about how messed up you are." Withholding good news from you about your friends, family, neighbors and associates. However, at the same time, making up or embellishing bad news about those same people. Putting up roadblocks to any of your own personal goals that do not involve them. Telling you how lucky you are to have them because no one else would love you. Telling you how messed up you are and how much you need to get help while, at the same time, putting up all kinds of roadblocks on you doing anything to improve yourself. Those are just a few examples but I am sure you can see the under-lying trend. The basic tool is control. They have to have control over everything you do, who you see and who you talk to. Through this control, they are able to keep your self-worth at a minimum so that you don't leave. They also very often play the pity card: "I will kill myself if you leave." "I am so sorry, I love you so much." Realize that these types of control methods are calculated to keep you around. When they feel that they have gone too far, they will back off on putting you down just long enough to make you have doubts about whether they are that bad. Once they feel more secure, the abuse starts right back up again. The effects of mental abuse are often more devastating than physical abuse because they are hidden and there are no outward signs, such as bruises etc. that happen with physical abuse. Very often, the abused person is unwilling to tell anyone about this, which makes it even harder to spot. However, depression, anxiety, nervousness and lack of self-confidence are common results of this type of abuse. Sometimes, however, the partner is just being overly controlling and not actually being intentionally abusive. When you are looking at a situation, make sure you look at the broad picture and not just isolated incidents. Every single person has used one or more of the methods described above at some point in their life, particularly when under stress. It is important when looking at this to look at the real long-term motives of the person in question. Are they actually being abusive, or are they simply being over-protective? If the latter is the case, then that can be handled simply by communication. Take a look at the article on handling conflicts for some ideas on how to deal with this. If, however, it does turn out to be real abuse, then you owe it to yourself and your children (if applicable) to get out of the relationship. Don't use the kids as an excuse to stay. They are smart and probably already know what is going on. Do you want them to grow up thinking that it is ok to be physically or mentally abused? So, what do you do if someone you know is in an abusive relationship? Well, the ideal situation would be to get them away from their abusive partner. Get them alone and talk with them about it. Start with a soft, concerned approach and make sure they know that anything they tell you is in strict confidence. Then, work out a plan to get them out of the relationship permanently. If kids are involved, you have to be even more careful as the abusive partner will use them as leverage if they find out what you are doing. If you are in an abusive relationship talk to someone you can trust, a close personal friend or a family member. Make sure that the person you talk to is trust-worthy and will not betray your confidence. Listed below are some resources and telephone numbers of help-lines to contact. If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, get out and get help!

Help Fight Child Abuse !!!!! my name is Chris I am three, My eyes are swollen I cannot see, I must be stupid I must be bad, What else could have made My daddy so mad? I wish I were better I wish I weren't ugly, Then maybe my mommy Would still want to hug me. I cant do a wrong I cant speak at all Or else im locked up All day long. When im awake im all alone The house is dark My folks arent home When my mommy does come home I'll try and be nice, So maybe ill just get One whipping tonight. I just heard a car My daddy is back From Chariles bar. I hear him curse My name is called I press myself Against the wall I try to hide From his evil eyes Im so afraid now I'm starting to cry He finds me weeping Calls me ugly words, He says its my fault He suffers at work. He slaps and hits me And yells at me more, I finally get free And run to the door Hes already locked it And i start to bawl, He takes me and throws me Against the hard wall I fall to the floor With my bones nearly broken, And my daddy continues With more bad words spoken, "i'm sorry",I scream But its now much to late His face has been twisted Into a unimaginable shape The hurt and the pain Again and again O please God, have mercy! O please let it end! And he finally stops And heads for the door While i lay there motionless Sprawled on the floor My name is Chris I am three, Tonight my daddy Murdered me And you can help Sickens me to the soul, And if you read this and dont pass it on I pray for your forgivness Because you would have to be One heartless person To not be effected By this Poem And because u r effected Do something about it! So all i ask you to do Is pass this on! IFYOU ARE AGAINST CHILD ABUSE! PLEASE COPY AND PASTE THIS AND PASS IT ON !!

I watch you from afar I see a broke heart with no where to go Your eyes swollen from when you cry I know you wish to die He broke your cheekbone This I know He dislocated your shoulder Is this how you want to go? Is your life worth so little you need to be broke Let me tell you your beauty stands apart I look past the betrayal of his love I know god is watching from above Walk out and come with me I will take you down that dreamy path of freedom Your path will be painted with greens and blues You will know I was sent from heaven to save you Hold my hand and let me hold you up These broken bones he has given you is all that he has left Your time is now Your beauty will shine through Trust in me I will show you The love of a woman is not skin deep Their passion burns for those they meet I can show you the life of a queen He will never touch you while you believe in me Shattered dreams is what you thought you only knew Time has come to stop the abuse Turn your head and walk away This just cannot go this way Shattered dreams are torn apart You will live the life of a princess as part of my heart.

I got this from a bullitin this morning and I thank God that my situation didnt go that far...Its really sad because there are alot of women (and yes men too) who do not get out of the situation before its too late...reading this made me cry because I was that woman at one time...for those of you out there be strong and dont let the flowers fool you...its a vicious cycle that wont get better but will only get worse as time goes on...its tough out there alone I know...two incomes dropping down to one...scared of what others might think (oh she must have did something wrong to deserve the treatment she got)...and ur children not understanding what is going on (they may act out the violence they have seen or ask about daddy (or mommy) all the time or wanting mom and dad to get back together)...but you know what? there is help out there...all you have to do is ask...as for the children? well are you wanting to stay in the situation and us and our situation...do you want to teach ur child that this is what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like? Break the violence circle and go on with ur life...life is too short not to be happy and walking on egg shells all the time...I know I was there...although am lonely sometimes I am ALOT happier...you can be too... *hugs*
Hosted by Sparkle Tags I Got Flowers Today (Dedicated to Battered Women) I got flowers today! It wasn't my birthday or any other special day. We had our first argument last night; And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt; I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the things he said; Because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day. Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn't believe that it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry. Because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today! It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day; Last night he threw me into a wall and then started choking me; It seemed unreal, a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares; And I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over—but I know he is sorry; Because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today! And it wasn’t Valentines Day or any other special day; Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me; Make-up and long sleeves didn’t hide the cuts and bruises this time; I couldn’t go to work today because I didn’t want anyone to know—but I know he’s sorry; Because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today! And it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day; Last night he beat me again, and it was worse than all of the other times; If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about money? I’m afraid of him, but I’m too scared and dependent to leave him! But he must be sorry; Because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today…. Today was a special day—it was the day of my funeral; Last night he killed me; If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him; I could have received help from the Women’s Shelter, but I didn’t ask for their help; So I got flowers today—for the last time.