It's raining cats and dogs outside this morning. The thunder sounds like it's knocking at the door. Perfect, it fits my mood perfectly. Today is one of my rare bad days. You know one of those days where you just feel broken. That's where I am today. I'm just so freaking tired. Litterally tired. I sleep at night but my dreams are wearing me out. After Tom passed I would dream of him at lot and as time went on I would dream of him every now and then. Now with the 1 year anniversary of his death approaching, it has set off my roller coaster of emotions again. I dream of him every night. The dreams are always pleasant. Actually there are always wonderful dreams that in some way or another help me through his death. The dreams are more intense now. More vivid that even after waking I can't shake it off. Usually the dreams give me a feeling of peace that I carry with me throught my day. Today they have tears streaming down my face. The part that is wearing me down and the part I hate the most, is waking up. In my dreams, he is there, I can speak to him and hear his voice. I can touch him and feel his touch. My god I can even smell his cologne. Obsession by Calvin Klien. But the minute I open my eyes and re enter the real world, it's like losing him all over again. My 30th birthday is approaching on October 6th but instead of being excited and picking out what cake I want, I will be picking out what flowers to put on Tom's grave for the 3rd of October. How will I ever anticipate another birthday in a good way?
I'm just a little lost today. Ok I'm a lot lost. I feel so torn. I surprised myself when I started praying. But instead of praying for strength to get through this difficult time, I begged God to give me my husband back.
There was so much left unsaid, so much left undone. How do I live with that?
