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My life is in shambles at the moment as I sit and think about all that is going on in...where did I go wrong with all that could have been done differently...could I have been a better daughter to my mother? could I have been a better mother to my children? the questions keep going thru my mind without fail...over and over again...
These are all normal questions that we all ask ourselves...of this I am sure...but could things have been different with my children if I had not decided to fight for my life and decide to fight for that of my children knowing now what they would go through in their lives...the stuff that I think about doing would get me committed to a hospital for sure...but it would make me feel so much better for vindicating what they had to endure and what I had to endure while living with their biological father or as I like to call him "the sperm donor" because he surely isnt a father nor is he a dad for all that he has done to them nor is he a man for what he did to me...when corner we either fight or we fly it is human nature and at the time i flew...my fight instinct wasnt strong enough...the man had nearly had killed me..but damn i thougth for sure that he loved his children enough not to abuse him as he had abused me...damn that was surely a big mistake on my part...and now im paying the price as are my children...he has mentally messed them up so badly that they are going down the path of distruction that I fear they will never return from...I fear my son is going down the path of jail or prison time... I fear to ask what else can go wrong but I have to ask that question daily when I get the calls about my children....I believe that my daughter there is help and hope for her with the right about of guidance but my son not so much at what point do we as parents just give up that hope for our children...at what point do we turn to the thoughts of murder and revenge to the person that have taken the innocence of our children away.... so many events have happened at the hands of my ex to lead up to my son's point that he is at now and i also know that what we survive makes us stronger but only so much can one person take before we reach the breaking point in our lives and i fear that he is at that point and beyond it...i fear so much in my life...i fear the calls i get on my phone that one day i will get the call that he has murdered someone or he has killed himself at that point can i go after my ex for all this misery in my life for all he has put my son thru in his life growing up as a child and i know i am not faultless in this by any means i knew he was an abuser and i shouldnt have left the children in his care but i was helpless at that point as children services said that they didnt have a problem with him as a father having the children that he was a good father....so when we seperated i let him have custody...since i had gone thru post partum depression even tho i went thru the therapy and was going my program and all that i needed to do to make sure that i was making sure i was a good mother to my children...this is my life welcome to it.....the murder the insanity
UPDATE JUNE 30, 2022
my son has turned his life around and is now a father of a beautiful boy that will be 3 yrs on Sept 7...
so much has happened in the years since this post
three years ago i love the man that i was blessed to be able to call my dad...he was the most wonderful man, loved my mom with every ounce of his entire being and she deserved that after having 2 deadbeat husbands before him..one of them being my biological donor and the other well he just totally broke my moms confidence in herself completely...but the man i called my dad he gave her that all back and more. i never seen her so happy as i had the 29 yrs they were together of those 22 almost 23 years married...
im sure my life is still in a shambled state albeit a more controlable state at least i dont feel like i everything is going in a million different directions. instead its only going in a few hundred thousand direction which is more managable in my honest opinion...sometimes you just have to laugh at situations your life takes you and find the humor in it or you might go crazy/sane. i say that because i live comfortable in my own realm of insanity and instead of going insane situations drive me to sanity which i really dont like.
well ill have to post another blog about my feelings on cancer in a few days
i wanna bleed show the world all that i hide inside
(i wanna show you all the pain...)
i wanna scream let the blood flow that keeps me alive
(i wanna make you feel the same...)
take all these strings, they call my veins
wrap them around, every fucking thing
