jenn35's blog: "What I've learned..."

My mom died on May 5, 2009....I have learned so much from her life and her death.  I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and yet close off at the same time.  But I have learned that life is too short to waste it being unhappy and if there is anything in life making me unhappy I will change it.  I accept and work on forgiving myself for every mistake I've made so far in life and will work from this point on to not make choices that will lead me to have to live in regret.  While looking at photo's with my dad that I brought of my mom, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "You know what I've learned the most out of all this? that there are no do over's"  It broke my heart because I know there is so much my mom and dad would do differently now...but I will not waste the lesson he was speaking of....I will wear my heart on my sleeve even if it gets crushed, I choose to have the courage to do that...when I love someone, I will tell them...when I don't like someone, I will not waste my time hating them but will not keep them in my life if they make me unhappy....but the people who do bring me joy I will love and fight to keep in my life and be the best I can be for them.   I spoke at my mom's funeral and I read something she wrote to God, that basically said she was grateful for the increased awareness of each passing day...and asked God to help her not waste her day in strife with others and to make sure she does her best to make sure each day is spent being a blessing unto others and showing glory unto him.  I know my mom is with me, loving me and guiding me and wanting me to make the right choices for my life....she saw me happy before she died, she was happy for me...and I will continue to live in that happiness...but I will also accept if things in life don't always goes my way and as long as I know I did all I could to stand by my choices that I know are right and good, I can live at peace if they don't always go my way.  I have always learned things the hard way, fell flat on my face many a time...but I will now strive to learned by paying attention to the lives and mistakes of those around me so that their lives and mistakes can be made into something good, something that prevents others from doing the same thing....which is what I will do with my mom, I will honor her by showing her that I learned by watching her, both the good and the bad, and my life will be spared more pain, and have increased joy because of her life's example.  My life is changing, and I will heal, and I will continue to learn and grow.  Love your family and your friends with all you have, don't hold back...don't be afraid of letting the walls down...life is full of risks and one of the biggest risks of all is loving someone, but it's worth it and it's the only way to obtain true joy and happiness...and allow joy and happiness into your life, even if you are unfamiliar with it and it doesn't feel right, let it in and you won't regret it...learn to love and accept love one step at a time, one day at a time.... a lot of us have problems with this..but choose to have the strenth and courage to love and be loved.  Don't reach the end of your life and have to live with the regret of no do over's.....I love you all :)