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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, Jesus knows you are here.He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, Jesus is watching you. Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that? he hissed at the parrot. the parrot confessed, then squawked. just trying to warn you that he is watching you. The burglar relaxed. Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?
I'm Moses. replied the bird. Moses? the burglar laughed. What kind of people would name a bird Moses?The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.

One day little Johnny's neighbor was washing dishes and saw little Johnny out the window sitting on the steps.

She saw him eat a jelly bean, bite the cats tail and move down a step.

She continued to watch him and he did it again (eat a jelly bean, bite the cat's tail and move down a step).

When curiosity got the best of her, she went across the street and asked little Johnny what he was doing.

He said "I'm playing truck driver".

She asked him "Well Johnny what does that mean?"

He said "I'm popping pills, eating pussy and moving on!"