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I was pretty bummed all day at work. I had went to the HR office talked to them about my benifits and all...they gave me a number to call some other HR place and I talked with them for about 10 minutes. I guess I hadn't had any insurance since March 31st...and all this time I thought I did. I never had to go to the doctor for anything betrween then, which is good...and I had my monthly pills for a while...but I've been out for a while...and out of sleeping pills to help me sleep. She was telling me that the doctuments that Rich supposebly faxed, didn't go through..something happened or maybe he didn't do it. I dunno.... That just frustrates me...what if something happened to me? She said she's going to try to figure out what happened and will phone me back...haven't got a phone call back yet.... I might have to wait another month to enroll....fucking sucks.
A lot of stuff just started to get into my mind and I started to get real depressed. I thought to myself....how much longer can I take feeling this way and it just seems like more and more shit keeps pileing up on me. For hours straight, I imagined what it be like if I ended up taking my life. How i'd do it, who would find me, what would people think....etc etc... My dad worries that I would get into this stage again...I told him that I am depressed but won't get into that....Although I've had thoughts. I could never promise anyone that i wouldn't ever take my life....Sometimes I just want to give up. But then I think of certain things and that helps me...but, I just...I dunno... I just want to give up...Im tired of feeling this way. I feel like crying all the time...I have to keep a straight face at work, bat my eyes to get the tears to dry... my co manager told me not to be sad. I was working with her all day and she could tell something was on my mind. I always have stuff on my mind..somtimes i just wish that my mind would stop.
