Fair warning. This is more than likely just gonna ramble on, and no I dont plan on spellchecking it.
Its been a week and two days since I was supposed to move. Im running out of food, and toilet paper (ACK!!) and no matter how many hours I spend pounding the pavement so to speak, I cant get anywhere. Its not that I dont have good references I know that much, but somehow, Im either not qualified for any job Ive gone to (which is bullshit, because I know McDonalds doesnt HAVE qualifications lol) or I dont have good personal references or something, I dont know which, all I know is I still dont have a job and Im starting to get VERY worried.
And Im sure my cable will be off this week. Which wouldnt bother me so much if I wasnt also going to lose my phone and internet. I mean as far as the cable itself, I can watch Fox and PBS and DVD's, Ive done it before. But I mean with no internet I have no way to entertain myself (LMAO!!) except to read the books I already read, or play solitaire, and without my house phone all Im gonna have is my PREPAID cell phone, which ironically, I cant put more money on with no job, and I need the phone to GET a job (a number to call me at obviously). Talk about your vicious circle.
Its getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the mornings. I mean before, I had something to look forward to, even if it was a shit job, it was a job and it gave me a good reason to get up.
Ive been doing to good emotionally, for the last few years. Ive felt better about myself, Ive WANTED to live....now I have nothing. I dont want to look at myself in the mirror, all I see is a failure. I dont want to get up, I have nothing to look forward to. Most days Id rather stop living altogether, if for nothing else than to break up the monotony.
Id get drunk and forget about my problems if I could afford to drink! I think I have about 35 cents to my name. Cant get a flea drunk with 35 cents.
How can I NOT give up on my life? I think about all the times I scratched the razor across my wrist, begging God for the strength to press harder. All the times Ive looked over the edge of the sixth story rooftop, all the times Ive looked at the bottles of toxic chemicals....I know its not "normal" but....
I cant help but wonder, is THIS gonna be it? Is THIS gonna be what pushes me to the edge? Id like to think Im much stronger than that. But lately Im having a hard time convincing myself.....
