Ariq James's blog: "Ace's blogz"

¦ Depression ¦

Honestly, sometimes it's not a hard thing NOT to have. Especially not if you're in my type of situation.

"So, what exactly is your situation?" you might ask. Well, buckle your seat belt, lock the door and hold on tight, 'cause here it comes:

If you've read some of my other blogs you probably know that I (in the past) suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury. ANYONE with a TBI knows just how fucking difficult it is to NOT have some form depression every single goddamn day. Sometimes it just really doesn't matter how many "good" things may (or may not) be currently happening to me, that fucker called Life Itself will ALWAYS find a way to look down on me and keep me down. I've dealt with numerous setbacks almost all my life (and most of those didn't occur until AFTER I suffered my TBI), and the things that I really want I rarely ever get, and then what I truly need I either just don't want it when I can get it, or fuckin' Life Itself will just find a way of denying it to me. My usual train of thought is: "After I get a hold of  'A' then acquiring 'B' shouldn't be all THAT hard, right?" More often than not, I'll get my hands on 'A', and then 'B' will either remain totally unreachable or the situation will utterly refuse to have ANYTHING to do with me. If you truly know me (and who I am) then you know who (and what) I'm talking about.

I'm sure many of you probably understand that it sounds pretty easy for me to become (and stay) depressed, now that you know what kind of shit I go through on a daily (almost hourly) basis. Most of the affore-mentioned shit doesn't come from any kind of outside influence, but is instead unwillingly (and unwittingly) created by my own psyche (subconscious mind) as my damaged mind quite often speaks to me in an EXTREMELY insulting and SEVERELY degrading manner.

I never want this to happen, but I can't stop it from happening, and I'm hopelessly trapped in an infinite spiraling vortex that NO ONE can possibly escape. No, I actually don't take medication for depression (though I probably should) and no, I don't see a psycologist for my undiagnosed case of depression (though I used to see one, just not for depression). No, I don't have even a sliver of hope for ANY kind of change whatsoever, and why yes, I really DO horrifically dread the future and quite fearfully anticipate discovering exactly just how The Powers That Be are going to violently stomp all of my unique feelings and emotions down into the black tar pit of Irrational Fear & Unfounded Dread, which ALWAYS, without fail, makes me feel an absolutely HUGE dose of profound disappointment when I wake up every morning ('cause I realize I'll just have to buck up, accept all the shit I'm being dealt for that day and then "keep on smiling"). Committing suicide was (at one time) an eventual plan, then it became a possibility, then it turned into The Only Way Out that I could even fathom, but now I've come to the conclusion that taking my own life is nothing more than A Pussy's Way Out, and I've also realized that there is much I have yet to experience, so many things I've never done, while there's also so, so, so many disappointments I have yet to experience.

Realistically, there is just so much worthless bullshit for me to look foward to.......