life is a living hell's blog: "depressing stuff"

if i did a good job would anyone care if i ruled the would would anyone care if i actuly tried would anyone care if i told you i loved you would you care if you said you loved me would i care if my truck got broken into would my friends care if i died today would anyone care if i died tomorrow would anyone care

people say never hurt the ones you love and i did not on purpose or anything like that i never ever wanted to hurt her but that can change the fact what happend was is i went out to a friends house and there was drinking and stuff like that i drank some sure i never thought of passing it up but apperently i drank to much cause i dont remember the night but i went home thinking nothing about it and a couple days later i got a call from the cops asking me to come into talk so i did thinking nothing about the couple nights before so i get there and get in and talkto the detective and he tells me what its about and i was like it couldnt have happend like that but none the less i was arrested on sit and realesed that night so i went to see the love of my life that night we talked about it all and still i didnt remember that night we got in alot of fights after that and the trust went out the window later down the road after the trial was underway things had changed for the worse between me and her so i took a bargin to keep myself out of jail and it put me on probation and took my whole life away you see first was the rules then came to me and my girl and he said no to me seeing her but i did anyways and it turned out to be a bad thing see me and her seperated and went our seperate ways and the next day i went to see my probation officer and he threw me in jail i sat and i sat in that dreadful place thinking what did i do to deserve all of this then came the day when tim came to see me see thats my p.o. timothy sperling he asked if i learned from being in that place i said yes and told him what i had thought about in my cell at night so he released that day and i was on my way i went to get smokes cause one i despritly needed then went to see my mom and saprise her that i was out it hurt so bad knowing things between me and my love ended so bad i sat day after day wishin i was dead i cut my wrist and shoulder too still nothing would make the pain stray from my heart then i found my love was in the arms of another man and i hurt just knowing that then i got the news it was my best friend oh how that hurt like a thousand knifes in the back i cut and i cut there was no turning back till one day i sit blood dripping off my wrist and thought to myself how could i of ended up like this to be all alone with no one to love just an empty soul of the man i once was then to think i once had it all and in the blink of an eye it was all gone see i said the words i pushed her away i said the words that still hurt her to this day but then something good finally happend to me see my friend got me talking to my lover i lost so long ago and we sat and talk and talked some more now my love has returned to me and i love her once more but the hurts still there i dont think it will ever go i hurt her deep just like cuts on her soul i try to mend what i have done but to this day i dont know if i have succeded but i'll try till i do cause i aint never gonna leave her again

As I lay on the floor in a dark pool of blood, my life flowing away with every drop, I remember you and your lies As the knife cuts deeply in my veins, the crimson blood seeps out. But the pain is lessened and turns to numbness as I remember you and your lies. I close my eyes and I see your face. Your sky blue eyes that melt my soul. Your blood red lips that spoke such cruel words. And I remember you and your lies. But now all hope is gone. My blood flows like a never ending river. And only one thing helps me die. I can't forget you and your lies

The silver blade glistens in the dark flowing and delicate, making it's mark carving scarlet rivers, new and fresh crimson tears trickling down ghostly white flesh tracing streams of blue and gray feircely tearing the skin away till there's nothing left but the brittle bone but the hungry razor wont leave me alone I push down hard, till it's too much to bare if I were to die, would anyone care? then I open my eyes, the vison has perished the memory it brings, forever uncherished this horrid dream, another image my mind wroughts but I have not the strength, to stop these tainted thoughts

Staring into empty space, Seeing nothing past my eyes. Watching a world I would just as soon forget, I'd rather turn and hide. A place I had once called my home, Many times before. The same place that has torn me apart, Over and over and over again. Leaving me wondering where I went wrong, And where my mind went blank. The battered painting on the wall, Showing it's face again. The distorted face of one whose lost everything, With nothing left to show. The painting seems so real to me, A self-portrait on the wall. A reminder of how lost I am, Magnifying every flaw. Every hurt and heartbreak, Confusion and grief. Showing every haunting nightmare, Burning every saving grace. Lost I stare at endless lists, Wondering which would work for me. Lighting one last candle, ...Disappearing one last time...

"My body's still burning from your touch, My skin's still fragrant from your flesh..." Imprinted on my soul Is the memory of your body. "My lips still tingle from your kiss, My tongue's still wanting your mouth's embrace..." Uniquely yours, and my new addiction Is the remnants of your taste. The contours of your body and soul are more familiar to me than my own. A well-worn path in my memory, That I can visit on those long nights alone. With an unclear future and rocky past. With worries of what's to come. No matter what happens to us, I have these memories to call my own.

I take this shiny butcher Ponder the value of my life See my reflection in the blade Think of all the mistakes I've made Ponder what my life is worth Been a problem since my birth Mother always was a bitch Said I was a problem she couldn't fix And if she ever get the chance She'd get rid of me without a second glance Lived my life looked down apon Told I was of demon spawn This butcher knife my only friend And is my begining as well as my end Run the blade then down my arm Causing very little harm Make shallow cuts here and there As bright red blood spreads on my skin so fair Slowly the pain starts to sink in And now my pleasure will begin Repeatedly I cut myself Been told that I should seek some help To late now I'm almost gone From this wretched world that tortured me for so long

It’s there, It always has been. Such a fragile side, Brittle… Broken too many times, By those who say, I love you… I have considered it. They say those who talk about it Don’t do it, Inside I just smirk, Stupid bastards, What would they know? It’s like a lover, A lover that lies dormant, Until you need them. To date, I have avoided it… It reminds me of a black rose, Dried dead brittle, If I dare touch it… I’ve toyed with the idea, Just when my hands get so cold, I can’t warm them. The park is dark where its’s kept. All blacks, greys frosted whites. Littered with broken altars, Where blood has dried, Black on white worn marble. Unrequited love- deaths last kiss Upon an iced breath …. Whispers… I will love… I smile to his death wish Not tonight my love. Closing the ancient gates, I don’t mind their screech of metal on metal, …I walk away Again.