*Sorry for the typo error
Just when you thought you’re having the most depressing part of your life, all you need is a glass of wine and a cancer stick and a friend who will listen to you and you will be back to normal. For the past couple of months I am having a dilemma if I am suffering from a personality disorder or I am depressed. I am in this situation where I am so bored with what I do in general. My life would be waking up at 11 o’ clock PM to sit in front of my computer, stare at the monitor and hoping that I will receive an interesting email. While I do that, I consume my coffee and smoke. At that moment, I will listen to Jack Johnson, naturally, while my mind is blank. When I am done with my cup of coffee, its time for me to take a bath and get ready for work. When I get to the office, I will look for a station where it’s near my crush’s station, which is beside him. So of course I will get to be shy, and reasons to smile. My work is to receive calls, and activate a person’s credit card. It’s an easy job, but hard part about it, and that really stresses me is that it doesn’t require thorough thinking, not at all. Everything you have to do must be read; although there are certain circumstances where the person you’re talking to is an inborn cretin. Doing this job made me realize that there are so many mentally-challenged people in the world. But that’s just me. So when shift ends, which by the way I work 11 hours, four times a week, I would go home to an empty place, which my mum is just inside her room sleeping, if not watching TV. I will have the maid prepare what I am going to eat, and then go straight to my room, change my clothes, sit in front of the computer again, and stare at the monitor, and again my mind blank. I will stay up until 6pm just for nothing. Then I go to sleep and do the same thing all over again. My life pretty much is a routine.
Knowing how sad a person’s life can be by doing the same thing all over again everyday, is what I have and what I only got. Now, when I am not working, all I do is just waste money drinking, or waste my time, feeling so bored, staring at the monitor of my computer. I know, it’s so pathetic. It made me realize, that my life has changed. You see, I have this problem about multi-tasking on my life, although I am very good at it when it comes to other things. And the thing that makes it worse is that I can’t talk to anybody what I really feel. Or what’s wrong with me. Not even my closest friend B. Why am I so bored? Is it because that I can’t do what I really want to do? Then there goes another question, what do I really want to do? B said that I have to find what my passion is. Well, here’s the thing, I don’t know what I am passionate with. I am a Jack-of-all-trades. I can do a lot of things. And most of it I am really good at doing. So there goes one of my major issue, “What do I really want to do?” and “What I am really passionate with?”
What’s with the drama? People will always have drama aside from the issues with ourselves. For the past couple of months, I have been having this drama. Here’s the truth, I am empty. I am alone. This is the time were I contemplate on everything that I have gone through and then be bitter. I know that in the previous article I have written “The Life of a Single Woman” I have cherished the joys of a single woman. But now, I despise it. Then I asked my self, why am I so single, when I am beautiful and intelligent. And so what the fuck is wrong with me? Here goes my insecurity, my body issues. I admit it again, I am overweight. There I said it. Here’s another thing, is being overweight makes you an ugly girl or woman? And the confusing part here is that, the fact that I am overweight and such, some men still find me kissable and fuckable. So how come I am still single? This is really depressing you know. Everyday I am hoping that I would stop asking why. But whenever I stop asking why, I start asking when. I feel so pathetic. I think that I have been waiting a very long time for that man who would really see me. Somebody who can satisfy my mind in any way possible, is that too much to ask? Issue number two, I am single.
Boredom, it’s killing me. Nothing new is coming in my life right now. It’s the same old shit only different day. I’ve got so many friends. In fact I’ve got so many great friends. But how come I am still bored? Is it because we do the same shit every time we see each other? You know, whenever I go to my friends bar to watch B’s band, I feel that everything is so redundant. Then I see all around me, everything looks the same, some people I know, some people I don’t. While watching them mingle with each other, I felt so out of place. I feel like I don’t belong here anymore. Lately, I have noticed that I go home early. It’s like I can’t stomach the situation anymore. I feel so alone and it fucking bores me. Third major issue, Boredom.
Now here’s the hard part. What is my real issue here? Is it about boredom, being single, or not knowing what I want? I seek an advice from my aunt, and she said that I am going through an “identity crisis” situation. Is it really the point where I am right now? As you can see right now I have so many questions going on in my head. I really don’t like to think too much. Although I like using my brains to think and analyze things, what I hate is thinking too much on things that I know where the answers are. But I just can’t find them. Just like my room, and my life, disorganized. My life is messy and I mean that literally. I don’t know how to set goals for myself. And that is the main reason why I can’t multi-task on things that I should do. Laziness, my ultimate enemy, it is reason of my suffering. I’ve worked in a company I don’t like at all, and the reason why I don’t quit is that I am too lazy to find a new company, and too lazy to apply. I can’t prioritize things because I am too lazy to do what I ‘need’ to do. I am lazy, and that’s a fact.
Now I think I am picking the pieces of the puzzle that I should have solved a long time ago. Its just a matter of being more organized and try to be less messy on things, and maybe I will solve this puzzle completely.
~diwata~
