DarkPhoenix8512's blog: "Definitions!"

THE WOMAN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse. Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night". Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing. When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

A woman's dictionary Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Some possible computer bumper stickers 1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding 2. <-------- The information went data way 3. The name is Baud...James Baud. 4. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! 5. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! 6. C:V> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 7. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) 8. Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups. 9. E Pluribus Modem 10. .... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny 12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)? 13. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. 14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass. 15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . 16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure. 17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue... 18. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key 19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! 20. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. 21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 22. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 23. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... 25. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q) 26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 27. Hit any user to continue. 28. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch. 29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic 30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

A list of redneck computer terms Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods. Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern. Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick. Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro. Cache - Needed when you go to da store. Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name. Terminal - Time to call da undertaker. Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited. Digital - The art of counting on your fingers. Diskette - A female Disco dancer. Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking. Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos. Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair. Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food. Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers. Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall. Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live. Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line. Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test. Rom - Where the pope lives. Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch. Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast. Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year. Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter. Log Off: Don't add no wood. Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove. Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup. Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'. Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood. Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood. Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season. Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter. Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below. Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season. Byte: That's what the flies do. Chip: What to munch on. Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag. Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around. Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields. Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife. Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy. Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys. Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils. Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain. Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof. Port: Fancy wine. Enter: C'mon in. Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

Arbitrator ..ar'-bi-tray-ter..: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable ..uh-voy'-duh-buhl..: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney ..buh-lo'-nee..: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette ..burn'-a-det..: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize ..bur'-gler-ize..: What a crook sees with. Counterfeiters ..kown-ter-fit-ers..: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse ..e-klips'..: What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper ..i'-drop-ur..: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes ..hee'-rhos..: What a guy in a boat does. Left Bank ..left' bangk'..: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty ..mis'-tee..: How golfers create divots. Paradox ..par'-uh-doks..: Two physicians. Parasites ..par'-uh-sites..: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist ..farm'-uh-sist..: A helper on the farm. Polarize ..po'-lur-ize..: What penguins see with.