When you have quiet a bit of history with someone and about eighty percent of it is bad; why do you think about it so fucking much? I know there are alot of us out there that know the entire situation is wrong but I guess the out come we are looking for may seem that it may follow through. But in the back of our minds way deep down we know that we are just lying to ourselves. Then the questions arise: when is enough, enough?, what is it going to take to realize what the real reality is? You can ask yourself those questions over and over but is thier ever an answer? That certain someone knows how to get in your head and keep you thier and every word that comes out of thier mouth is truthful to you but bullshit to everyone else. So like a dumb ass you stay, you sleep, you buy, you basically do whatever it is they desire but it's gone in an instant and you feel like shit! Then when you actually know your tired of it and just totally loose contact right when your on the right track, they come right back into your life. See having the same friends or knowing the same people is a dangerous area when your trying to forget about someone. So you party, maybe drink but all this while your ignoring the person you have so much hate for: some how you end up talking with them, then drinking, and hey maybe even gettin a lil sumthin sumthin if you know what I mean. As it is happening your thinking what the hell am I doing? But yet it feels so fucking good and all the feelings and emotions come back but you know things aren't gonna be the way they were. But you wish so badly that they were. All day and night you think about things that were said and things that had happened, trying to figure out what should I do, is it really worth it? I guess the point to any and all of this is because maybe I don't want to be alone, it could be a self esteem issue who knows.......But the thing that really just bugs me is that knowing everything that has happened and all that was done to me I still was the girl on the side. I mean I was the one that saw him,partyd with his family and closest friends, went out with him , stayed many nights with him, made friends with his friends, did things with him, so I should have been number one. But I accepted my place and continued knowing I believe in karma, what comes around goes around so is mine coming, has mine came, is this his? When he says he loves the gurl with all his heart that he's with but after he hangs up with her, he wants you is that love or is it obsession? After having a piece of him inside of you: him telling you your not his type is it denial? When we talk on the cool and he ask why after all his friends and even some of his family told you he was no good: why did you still come around? Then I am speechless and have no answer.........
