Over 16,530,452 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can
prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?
Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a
good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And
a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the
fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that
way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio
is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two
to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in
a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried
these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated
in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another
vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales
to me!
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you
may have had about food and diets.
And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the
grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive
and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the
final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
