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It is with a heavy heart, that i announce the passing of a great keyboard icon - the shift key. As you all know, the shift key has fought a long road of crippling illnesses, such as 'pinky laziness', 'grammatical naivety', and 'text message syndrome,' for years and years now. Today, our stalwart and beloved shift key lost the battle and succumbed to these ever-growing cultural atrocities. It was the pinky laziness, so prevalent among the youth of the day, which eventually turned the tide. Those that will be hit the hardest are proper nouns, which now will be demoted as no different than common nouns.
The shift key is survived by his friend caps lock, which would be on life support itself if it weren't for the incessant and dreaded 'all-caps-post/title,' favored by many internet pseudo-savvy pre-teens; the entire family of punctuation keys, which themselves have been hanging by a thread; and the delete key, which has all but become an elusive shut-in... because, let's face it, 95 percent of the users in the general discussion forum should have used delete much more liberally than they have.
Oddly enough, services will be held in Evansville, Indiana. I'm unsure as to why, they just are. Rest in peace, shift key. You were too sophisticated for this age anyhow. Too sophisticated...
