DreamX's blog: "Death and Depression"

My grandfathe died last week. I wasnt allowed by my parents to travel 110 miles back home for the funeral. He was WW2 vet He had aflag ceremony and 3 gun salute. My dad decided that someone outside the family was to be given the flag. For this past week ive been sorta numb about the whole thing and tonight im kinda feeling the greif. The problem is my grandfather did something really really horrible when i was in the 6th grade. So i never got much of a chance to know him past then. Hes had dementia for a few years and it really took its toll on my family since my dad and one of his brothers were the only ones taking care of him, paying for everything. We wanted to cremate him and take his ashes and spread them on train tracks near Umatilla Oregon but the VA said no to that. Almost right after that my grandmother (they were divorced) had heart problems and she ended up in the hospital. Shes now buried 2 husbands. My grandmother has been the only one whos been helping me through some of the really rough times in my life. So on top of all that ive been so incredibly busy with school..... 10 hours woth of lab work alone a week not counting the classes.... Im still taking my meds to sleep... but lately ive been having depressing thoughts again...So thats whats going on in my life.

Im just feeling really down tonight.... too much ion my mind too much stress and drama. I wish life was simple again.... Everything bad that happens always happen at hte same time. Its very suffocating

Im just feeling really down tonight.... too much ion my mind too much stress and drama. I wish life was simple again.... Everything bad that happens always happen at hte same time. Its very suffocating

You know i sit here every fucking day and night, not knowing what to say or how to express whats going on in side of me. Some of you might know about my profound neck injury and osme of the issues because of it. But many of you do not know the horrible depression this injury has put on me. I wake up and every singe thought of every single minute i think about the injury, how am i goign ot pay my mounting bills. The piles of it heaped on my table. How am i going to survive in life. Will things ever get better for me? Im massively in debt with student loans, since ihad to pay my own way into college. So im sititng here without a cent to my name. The State is deciding my fate right now, are they going ot order an independant medical exam, do a retraining or do a permenent settlement. Im starting to lose everything i ever had in my life that was ever good for me. I can no longer wrestle or coach especially if i am going to go on permenet disability. That was all my life ever consisted of. Its the only thing that kept me a live. As odd as that sounds with out wrestling and the people ive met along the way, i would have gotten into drugs heavily and probably died in some violent way. When my mom yes my mom got involved in wrestling she slowly turned my freinds against me ( my mom and i do not like each other . I felt betrayed and for better part of a decade ive been fighting this problem to no end. I am truly sick of my mom. She has to be the most selfish evil human being i have ever met in my life. I wont even discuss her further. Anyway, so my family is slowly withdrawing any support for me and putting it back onto my sister who is now going through a divorce. My family has always been more for her because she had the family kids. So im completely abandoned again. My sister was a very physically and mentally violent person to me growing up. There are things she has done that i find it difficult to forgive or forget. Yet i feel so sorry for her and my neices that she is going through this. One of the things that has always bothered me was the fact that i remember events with almost crystalclarity, and yet my family does not and they tell me im completely out of touch with reality that im nuts. This is so hurtful to hear, it makes me doubt my sanity at times. You know i sit here writing my problems out to you... i dont ever expect anyone to say anything back mostly no one responds to anything i say... i feel invisible these days, like im one of the untouchables in India. Its no small wonder why i sit here contemplating if its even worth living anymore. I really dont have nmuch left in me. I feel so completely over whelmed and i jsut want the pain, the misery the never ending stress to just go away

never never did i see the coldness given to me by you making me numb Breaking inside this is not right tears staining my cheek as i fell to my knees Bloodstained hands held outward in plea for the sudden release that is forever denied me Your soul held to me a burden that chains me down In agony and sorrow An unforgiven death so young a smile so strong lifting our pained hearts A DREAM unfullfilled A cry to the winds with anger A question lingering WHY? Tears flow like a river A sorrow that stains a scar forever with all our memories And A Soul that will never Be Forgotten

2 weeks ago one mf my wrestlers was shot and killed by his stepbrother. His stepbrother was wearing gloves and kicked the shells under the bed and wouldnt call 911 but claimed itas an accident. The gun was used in a double homicide two weeks prior. I was close to Mikey, And i took it hard. His mom came ot me and hugged me, and told me i was the best that ever came from the high school and it was mikey's dream to be better then me. How do you take a comment like that? Ive certainly been as far as i could go and i cant compete anymore because of head imjuries but that totally tripped me out worse then i thought it would. But this gets worse. You see ive been under soo much stress with school work life many many many bad things going on in my life that i went into a major depression. And honestly i was harboing certain thoughts. You whatt im talking about. Im angry with mike. I feel id be dishonset to him if i did what i had been thinking about. This is constantly in my head and its leaving me so confused bitter ashamed. andi havent a clue what to do.