Dear Alcohol.... First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a
> huge fan of yours.
>
> As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The
> perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around
> at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're
> stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).
>
> However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While
> I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that
> your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
>
> 1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with you that
> communication is important, I question the suggestion that any
> conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why
> would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they
> DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the
> night.
>
> 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you
> suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big
> Italian
> meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped
> off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm
> an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.
>
> 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I
> need
> to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer
> this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary,
> and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next
> day are beyond me.
> Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get
> the front door key into the lock.
>
> 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting
> ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
> debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility
> is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the
> proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
> aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen
> floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal
> and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
>
> Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and
> would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the
> invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the
> needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money
> in my pockets.
>
> In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
> review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for
> an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible
> solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
>
> Thank you,
>
> Your Biggest Fan
>
> P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items
> below that I think may be of some interest to you.
>
> THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>
> 1. Innovative
> 2. Preliminary
> 3. Proliferation
> 4. Cinnamon
>
> THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>
> 1. Specificity
> 2. British Constitution
> 3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder
>
> THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>
> 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
> 2. Nope, no more beer for me.
> 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
> 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
> 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
> ________________________________
