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5954145's blog: "Randomosity"

created on 03/04/2012  |  http://fubar.com/randomosity/b346870  |  3 followers

I'm feeling quietly contemplative tonight.  So much is going on in my life, in the lives of all I know, and in the world, it's hard to find any sort of mental serenity.

I went outside on the back porch to smoke a cigarette.  As always, my gaze turned skyward and I found myself lost in the stars.  One particularly yellow-orange star caught my attention and I focused on it for a bit.  I don't know how long I had looked at it, but I suddenly realized I was crying.  It was beautiful, and with my limited sight, and the diffusion of the light from my teary eyes, I could see a distinct image.  It was lovely, and a rare moment of inspiration hit me.  I have mentally cataloged it and will pen it in the near future.  My hands are far too restless and my thoughts too disorganized to do the image in my mind's eye justice.  Then my thoughts wandered to the state of the world and I began to cry anew.  Why is there so much hate?  Why must we destroy when we could use our energy instead to create?  Why do we have wars, deceit, and harbor malice?

I am struggling with a purpose.  I cannot find one, not for myself.  I have shelved my dreams in favor of survival.  It is a dangerous thing to do, and it is hard to come back to those dreams.  Especially when an underlying reason was to put my ascension to another level towards self actualization on hold so that others may reach theirs.  I am heartbroken in the wake of the injury I sustained at work.  An injury that has left my forward momentum hanging in precarious balance and threatens to cripple me for the rest of my life.  I'm not yet 30, and that is a greatly disheartening thing.

I feel lonely.  I feel hopeless and helpless.  Staring at the stars, making my own constellations up as the Romans and Egyptians and countless other ancient societies once did, a sense of longing slammed into me.  For what?  I don't know.  I almost wish that this life would end, that I would be released from this broken vessel of despair and pain, so that I can start the next life, whatever that may be.  I just want to drive out in the middle of nowhere, and fall asleep on the hood of my car, counting shooting stars and hoping that the dawn brings me that new life.

My support network...  It is fickle.  Though I have many dear, close friends, I feel as though those relationships are too tenuous.  Too circumstantial.  Too dependent on my strength.  My strength...  It is something I'm renowned for amongst those closest to me.  But it is fading fast and to be quite frank, I've no intention of getting it back.  I'm tired of getting to my feet, time and time again, and helping those around me who have fallen, only to be kicked back to the ground and kicked again when I'm down.  I don't want to get up anymore, but my resolve will not allow me to stay down.  

If you are reading this, and you were hoping this was going somewhere...  It really isn't.  I just needed an outlet, and perhaps, if you are reading this, you could offer me insight that I have otherwise overlooked.

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