On a first date:
I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.
In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)
I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone.
I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it".
I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.
I may call you the following day. I may not.
On the second date:
I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding).
We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke.
I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex.
Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...
YOU MUST BE
funny
loquacious
driven
single (that means not LEGALLY married)
under 55
over 30
not a baby or daddy
drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)
well-mannered, for appearances
able to leave work at work. this implies employment
educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)
act like a man.
I AM...
Over one-night stands. I'm not in college anymore, and thank God Girls Gone Wild never visited back in my hay-day.
Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed.
Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.
Able to say "no" and scream "yes".
Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty
TOGETHER, WE WILL
bowl
play trivia
act like raging dickheads in public establishments
giggle at midgets
fornicate regularly
discuss books
laugh at others and harder at ourselves
one-up each other
WE WILL NOT
involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine.
yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
be dishonest
care what everyone else thinks
do any activity with one another's family more than once a month
act like something doesn't bother us, when it does
throw low-blows in times of frustration
