The Darwin Awards are an annual honor given to the person who did the gene
pool the biggest service by killing himself or herself in the most
extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of
it. And the nominees this year, in reverse order, are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house
down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of
suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared he was trying to create a
schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had
the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The
other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube
approximately 30" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was, for
reasons unknown, inserted into his rectum and was the cause of his
suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his
death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears they decided to moon the occupants of
the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They
were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to
bungee jump off a 70 foot high railroad trestle. Fairfax County
police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps
together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped, and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was
alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord he assembled
was greater than the distance between the trestle and ground.", Carmichael
said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems he and a friend
were playing a game of catch using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no
doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of
a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition: lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company
were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into
his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon
his operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The
technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as
'bright' by his peers.
AND THE WINNER.....(ouch....)
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed
to straddle the ball washer and dangle his balls in the machine. Much to his
dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the
machine with Sanchez's balls in place, thus wedging them solidly in the
mechanism.
Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled
from his perch. Unfortunately for him, the height of the ball washer was
more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in his normal
stance, and his balls were the weakest link.
Sanchez's balls ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked
from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other was
compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer,
and the rotating machinery inside.
To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just
purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself.
Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome
was asked to leave the course.
Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
stupidity, we allowed it.