comedyguy's blog: "Darrin's rantings"

The election is really heating up, I saw John McCain on tv yesterday, thought he was bashing Barack Obama again - going on and on about being dangerously unqualified and grossly inexperienced, never served in the military, only a couple years of minor political office, would make a horrible commander in chief - turned out he was just describing his new running mate. You gotta love a guy who bases his entire campaign on leadership ability and experience in this time of war choosing the runner-up Miss Alaska 1984 to be one more heart attack or exploded face-growth away from being leader of the free world. And you have to admire the cojones of the guy who said Obama "would rather win an election than win a war" potentially putting a hockey mom in charge of our entire military just to get the "chick vote." In his 130 years on earth, you'd think by know he'd know that the women of America are smart enough to see through his desperate attempt to drum up support and won't magically vote for him just because there's any random woman running with him. I'm not saying it'd be a monumentally bad idea to vote for him, I'm just saying that the last time a woman that unqualified were put in charge and made president, the Cylons had just invaded. * * - big frakking thumbs-up to anyone who gets that last line.

The problem with dating over 30 is that every woman you meet is bound to have a kid or two weighing her down like the world’s smallest cockblocks. “I can’t go out tonight, I have my kid. You can’t spend the night, I can’t go on the road with you, I have my kid. Stop yelling ‘who’s your daddy’, my kid hears that every day already.” Finding a woman over 30 that doesn’t have kids is like finding a hot chick working the late shift at Waffle House - you’re thrilled, but you think - I wonder what’s wrong with her? And when you’re over 30, we’ve all been around the block a few times, so our online profiles all read like used car ads - 34 year-old-male, low miles, only one previous owner, few dents, likes to hug the curves. Wouldn’t that save time if you could browse people like car ads? Vintage sports car, twin air bags, only ridden hard on weekends. Sweet! Minivan with 4 car seats - no! Former rental, likes to break down - hell no! Rebuilt tranny - what the hell?!

A lot of people are meeting over the internet now, with the chat rooms. I really hate the chat rooms, cuz I think the only thing worse than getting rejected is getting rejected by someone who’s NEVER MET YOU. Ooh, hi, sex kitten. BOOP - ignore, dammit! And it’s scary, you never know who you’re talking to online. I was chatting with a girl, she says - “I’m kind of a bigger girl.” That’s cool, how big? “I’m not gonna tell you.” Come on, tell me, just ball park estimate. “Ball park? YANKEE STADIUM!” And a lot of people love the cybersex, with the dirty talk. I have to say, I’m still kinda torn on this concept, because I love sex, but I really hate bad spelling and grammar, and a lot of people suck at typing. Granted, it’s tough to type with one hand, but come on. Hard to keep the candle lit when you’re correcting more bad spelling than a 3rd grade remedial English teacher in Arkansas. Really, I hate typos, nothing’s going to kill the mood for me faster than a woman telling me she wants to ‘stock my deck.’ You want me to put my clock where? Why do you wanna stroke my pens and lick my walls? Why do you want me to trust in your posse? Did she just say she wants to swallow my gum? And here’s something I’ve wondered - if you get into a fight with your loved one on the internet, do you get to have angry make-up cybersex later? What would that be like? Would you just keep hitting the pound key - Ooh, you like that - pound, pound, pound.

I was working a club in Illinois this weekend, and right next door was this really nasty strip club. Normally I love places like that, but the girls here looked so skinny and undernourished that I wanted to tip them with food. There's something wrong with having a strip club where if you actually get to sleep with one of the dancers... you'd still have to fantasize about somebody else. Most nudie bars somehow always have a girl named 'Mercedes', this one only had a 'Kia.' I don't have a lot of money, but still wanted to look like a big shot, so I started throwing nickels at them. They asked - "What are you doing?" I'm making it hail. And the saddest part - I had just seen the movie 'Enchanted' - where the fairy tale princess comes to the real world looking for her prince and finds that life isn't always flowers and puppy dogs. I realized that this one dancer looked exactly like the princess... if she had failed in her quest, worked her way down the ladder, lost a couple teeth, and finally ended up dancing naked for 8 people in Peoria and grinding on a really fat guy for $10. But like in the movie - she started to sing, and a bunch of rats and cockroaches came out and joined her. I guess it was her 'Happy Tweaking Song.'

I’ve got Netflix, and they have this feature that shows - Since you liked this, you’ll love this… and it never has anything to do with what you just watched. ‘You watched Juno, you will also love - Pirates of the Carribean and the Sopranos.’ Huh? ‘You watched Atonement, you’ll also love... Shooter and Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.’ What? My favorite - ‘You watched Masters of Horror, you’ll also love… Gabriel Iglesias comedy special.’ Thank God the people who make this program don’t work for Match.com. ‘You like sexy redheads who love movies. You’ll also love… fat lesbians with tourette’s.’ What? ‘You like skinny blondes who love football and beer. You’ll also love… other dudes.’

Anyone else sick of all the reality crap on TV? Pretty soon it will just be down to one show called ‘Who Hasn’t Been on TV yet’ and it’ll be me, three Amish guys, and the WNBA all-stars. And there’s nothing real about them. Let’s put up a bunch of unemployed college kids rent-free in a condo, and call it The Real World. Any college kids live like that? You want real, make those 10 losers share a 3-bedroom house, hit the plasma center for food money and have a kegger to make rent. The Bachelor - one guy dating 25 beautiful women, yeah, that’s real. How about a show where a guy tries to date two women without either finding out. There’s a show. The Bachelorette - a woman using a bunch of guys to get free dinners and gifts? That never happens. The Nanny shows - great idea to reward shitty parenting by paying them to be on TV. And how bad would that piss you off to spend months working your ass off on a great show like ‘Friday Night Lights’ only to realize five times as many people would rather watch washed-up has-beens dancing in goofy outfits every week and voting like the our future rests on it. And same for this ‘American Idol’ crap - how sad is it that 30 million people won’t get off their ass to vote for president but will spend 4 hours a week on the phone voting for the king of karaoke. Just what the world needs - more hack Britney clones. Doesn’t anyone realize that all the losers on now are the ones who sucked too much to make it the first FIVE times! - But I’m sick of fighting it, so I’ve come up with my own reality show - I’ll combine ’Pimp My Ride’ and ’Wife Swap’ and call it ‘Pimp My Wife.’ Slap some fishnets and stripper heels on some soccer moms, spray paint some makeup and a couple bruises on, and drop them off on the corner. Come on, make daddy proud. This week’s challenge - How much will you do for $20? Wow, Debby, you really put the ‘ho’ in homemaker. Coming up next - my other new show, hoping it’ll be a bit hit - ‘Who wants to fuck a comic?’

I was in North Carolina last weekend, it actually snowed there Saturday night. Man, if you ever want to see an entire area panic, show some southerners a few snowflakes. Two days of warnings like a hurricane, salting the roads a day early, people being warned to stock up and milk and bread, announcing cancellations before the first flake falls. It barely starts snowing and on TV they’re showing a long list of churches cancelling services the next morning. Damn, if this snow is the end of the world, why close the churches? “Oh no, we’re all going to die! Whatever you do - don’t go pray.” The snow wasn’t even sticking to the streets, they sent some girl reporter outside bundled up like she’s at the polar ice caps, warning about icy roads as she stands by a mildly wet street. What a bunch of wimps. I’m thinking that whole Civil War thing could’ve been over in about a week if we had just thrown snowballs at them.

Anyone else sick of these Burger King ‘whopper freakout’ commercials? “Ooh, look how mad people get when they can’t get their whoppers.” No, people don’t give a damn about whoppers, they just don’t like being jerked around and lied to. It’s not like freakin’ heroin, people aren’t going to get the DT’s if they don’t get their daily burger fix, they just don’t appreciate going to the ‘Home of the Whopper’, walking in and seeing signs that still say ‘Get a Whopper Today’, then have some Ashton Kutcher wannabe try to Punk them by saying there’s no more damn whoppers. I don’t care what you’re selling - if the pencil store says they’re out of pencils, or if Domino’s is out of pizza, or if a hooker says she’s out of blowjobs - people are going to be pissed. Great marketing idea too - tell people they can’t get the one thing they want, what’s next - ask for a Whopper and we’ll slash your tires while you wait? “Ooh, look how mad people are because we made them wait for a Whopper.”

I envy women - they have one week every month where they get a free pass on any bad behavior or bitchy comment or anything they don’t want to do, it’s just ‘that time of the month.’ Whether it really is that time or not, that is the perfect excuse - there’s no comeback to it, everyone instantly understands. I say guys need to have something like this that we can blame everything on, where we can act like… we normally do, without everyone thinking we‘re huge jerks. Call it DNS - don’t need your shit. What do you think? Guys need to be able to snap for no reason once in a while - maybe we had a bad day, or don’t feel attractive enough, or maybe I’m just not in the mood for you to force yourself on me for ‘cuddling’. DNS baby, DNS! Use it when you’re about to get fired, or when you start crying to get out of a speeding ticket - just a bad case of DNS today, officer. It’d be great, until the cop has DNS too, then you get a nightstick somewhere you really don’t want it.

When women go out, it seems they have a code they live by - never leave the ones you came with. You go out as a group, you go home as a group. It’s like you’re some special ops team going behind enemy lines. Is that why you all go to the bathroom together - you’re afraid if you split up, some guy’s gonna pounce on whoever’s left like a wounded gazelle? See, guys don’t have this code - there‘s no Band of Brothers crap going on here. We could be hours from home, but if a girl even looks at us - screw you, find your own ride home. “But we’re in Idaho.” Good luck with that, start walking. And women can get mean in dance clubs. You don‘t even need us guys, you all just dance with each other. Why is it ok for girls to dance together, but if two guys want to slow dance together to a slow song - must be gay. And when you women are dancing, at some point some drunk, desperate, lonely guy - usually me - tries to casually dance his way into the middle of the group. that's when you get really mean - you close ranks, circle the wagons, heads down. Dude ends up circling the group like big game of Duck Duck Goose for the rest of the night.