Lil Irish Punk Rock PrincessRIP Dirty Chris's blog: "dark times writing"

I find that I have nothing left to hide behind, made to feel everything from the past few months when I don't want to feel anything. I'm alone. Feeling like I have no one, and honestly, I did it to myself. Just another self distructive year. Just me pushing away everyone. Like always. And no one can last, no one ever lasts. I make sure of that. I hide everything that is real and show people what I'm not. Show them thier worst fears. It must be believable, because they always leave. The only ones that are ever left are the ones that truely know me, and I just ignore them. I hope that if I push enough, if I have no one left, then maybe I can disappear and no one will notice. No one will care. I just want to disappear...so I don't have to feel so alone...so I don't have to feel this pain anymore...

The world is confusing, boys and girls can both be stupid, and karma is a bitch. I'm letting go of everything and in a sense, though unintentional, everyone. I once relied so much on the people around me to make me feel strong. But everyone is so weak. Relationship you think will last, don't. People you think are strong, give in to their weaknesses. And nothing is a stable as it looks. But despite it all, I believe in Karma and Fate. Some people wondered why when things fell apart and fell in on my plans last year, I didn't fall apart as well. It's because I know that I was obviously not meant to meet that person, at least not yet, if ever. And people close to me felt as though I was pushing away. I really am sorry for that, but I was feeling a little like falling apart, but not in a burst out crying sense. I kinda shut off, gave up feeling anything. And when I get like that, I get pretty mean. I'm sorry if you took me as cold, but I didn't want to say things I would regret and I know I would have said a lot of things that I didn't really mean. I'm feeling a lot better now...and I can only hope that there are still some people left. I have Rose, she's good people, so I'll make it through.

I feel like I'm stuck in this stand still. So much happened last year and I just wish that I could erase it all and start out my new year. But I don't feel like I can. I still feel stuck in 2006. A year where the asshole were the good guys and the good guys...well, it just makes me think of the saying...bad guys lie to get in your pants, good guys lie to get in your heart. I don't know what's worse. And when do we hit that point where we repeat a lie so much that it become true to even ourselves? We convience ourselves that something is wrong and we believe it, that someone loves us or that we love someone, and we fall, even if we hadn't meant to. That friends is enough...that we are finally over it...that we don't cry ourselves to sleep anymore...that it doesn't really hurt... We are always lying to ourselves and others for the better of everyone, but it is really better. When did honesty become so scary? This is my lesson from 2006, that truth is dead. Because we are too damn busy hiding it that we don't pay attention and we lose it. It's lost, it's staving, it's dead. Call me bitter, say I'm wrong, but don't deny the little part of yourself that can't help but wonder if I'm right.

There are no soul mates. I think the very idea of it was created to see how crazy humans would get over the idea of a person you were meant to be with. It's not a matter of soul mates, it's a matter of convenence. There is to much space for us to ever find our true soul mate, even if there was one. Because even if we were lucky enough to be in the right place an the right time, what are the chances that person is anywhere near to you. And when it come down to it we would shove off our soul mates for just a little human contact. Everyone has done it, that person that we connect with on ever level, but they are far away. That thing we call long distance relationships, but most of us would give it up to feel someone's touch. This isn't some rant about anyone. This more stems from me. Because I had a person for two years that I connected with on every level and I mean ever level. He was the one person who could tame that wild side in me. But distance makes us waver. There is no love in this world, the word is used far too liberally. We love everyone, in different ways. There is room in our hearts for everyone, and sometimes we don't think about the hearts we break when we profess our passion for someone and profess that same level of passion for someone else, no matter the difference. I'll never love...and I think I'm finally okay with that. So don't try to change me. Because i'm done with throwing myself out there. It hurts too much. I have lots of friends i can cuddle with and sex has just become overrated, but even in that case, I have a single person who i have been with and loved and I don't want anything else. I'm done...

I'm having one of those days, a day when songs just seem to be speaking to me in ever little bit and piece. I don't know what has happened, but I have a feeling of one door closing and another opening and I think I have lost something. Something I probably never had. Everything in this life is a game. I'm tired of play. I'm ready to sit on the sidelines, but I keep getting forced back into it. If I just disapper for awhile maybe it will all go away. Not that any of this makes sense, and I'm sorry for that. Sometimes I question my sanity, and apparently so do others. If you are reading this, I'm sorry...it's pointless...

Sometimes when I'm all alone, when I have time to think about everything, I realize that I have nothing to offer this world. That the non existance of me wouldn't make as much of an impact as I would like to believe it would. I don't say this as an excuse to commit suicide or something wild and crazy like that. I just mean that if I were to stop calling, stoping seeing, stop speaking to the world, it wouldn't really matter to anyone all that much. No one has time for me and it's not like I ever have time for anyone else. Maybe I should just go away, all alone, start fresh with people I don't know, people I've never talked to. A rebirth of sorts. I know this isn't the miricle to my happiness, but maybe it's the miricle to everyone else's happiness. And maybe, in the end, that is what really matters...

I just wanna be numb. Dead inside. I don't wanna feel anything anymore. I don't want anyone to rely on. I don't want anyone to rely on me. I'm an unreliable creature anyway. Always changing. Forever moving on. I just want to be alone, as I once was. I just want to be empty inside. I don't want this happiness anymore. I'm just a whore with an fake innocence. It lures people in, I make people love me. Then I go away. I'm always pushing, never letting anyone in. Can I just go back to that again? I don't want to be in this insecure place anymore. I don't want to feel this uncertainty. Forever waiting for someone, hoping for someone. Craving someone.

I'm kinda sad today...I don't know why. That's always the worst for me, when it hits and I can't explain the reason. it's that much harder for me the solve the problem. my stomach is in knots, i keep feeling tears coming on, which is amazing because I haven't cried in weeks aside from once over work drama. I feel myself fight back the tears, but all i wanna do is cry. And I have to work soon. Which doesn't help. I don't know what to do to make everything better except sleep, but I can't sleep. I just want to wallow in my sadness, the worst place for me to be.