Tattooed Vixen's blog: "In Loving Memory..."

I wrote this on April 12^th, but I didn’t have my internet up and running at the time, so I couldn’t manage to post it right then, but I didn’t want to stop me from posting it all together.  So here goes…

You’re probably wondering why I’m still awake and typing this blog at, oh, almost 4AM. Well, any of you who are close to me should be able to figure that one out pretty swiftly on your own, but I’m going to spill it any way, for those of you who don’t know, and just to maybe ease my mind and my heart and possibly sleep again sometime this century.

Today, April 12 2010, is the two year mark of the very last day I ever saw my father alive. The last time I would ever see his smile, hear his laugh, or feel the comfort of a father’s embrace. Because, two years ago tonight (tomorrow morning to be exact) at around 1AM in the morning, April 13, 2008, my father was unexpectedly, and brutally taken from our life’s. Two years ago tonight will mark the day that the stupidity, and inhumanity of others, removed my father from this earth, and, changed my life forever, in ways that I would have never even imagined.  No one will ever know, and no words could ever describe the hurt and anger I still feel. The hatred that still continues to grow inside me with each passing day toward the people responsible for my father’s death. Or, most of all, the way I still miss my dad.  Sometimes I still hear the rumble of that unmistaken sound of a Harley-Davidson coming down the street, and without a second thought, start to jump to my feet to go open the garage door for him, and expect to see him pulling in, his black leather Harley boots, jeans, sleeveless t-shirt,  some sort of loud metal, or country music blaring from his radio, as he lifts off his shades to smile at me, showing his dark, Florida Sun kissed skin (minus the raccoon eyes from his sunglasses, lol) , with those bright blue eyes that everyone says he passed down to me, sparkling, despite the hard day’s work he’d just put in, and had yet to finish, because he worked none stop from sun up till sun down.

I’ve learned to cope and deal somewhat better than I did for the first year (especially for those first six or so month, when I would sneak out of the house after everyone else had went to sleep, and walk down 2/10s of a mile from my very own driveway and sit by myself in the very spot where my father’s life was taken, and cry) The very spot where I myself saw my dad, lying in the middle of the street. So close to me that I could see every detail of his manned and battered body, yet being held back just far enough that I couldn’t touch him. It broke my heart. All I wanted was to hold him in my arms, kiss him on the cheek, say good-bye, and tell him I loved him one last time. Yet, instead, I was held back by a couple of officers, my now ex-boyfriend Steve, and my friend AJ, while I watched them zip my father up in a black bag, load him into an ambulance, and silently drive away. No siren. No flashing light. Just dead silence. I felt like it might as well have been me whom they had just zipped up in that body bag.

But, I want to stop for a moment and say this: AJ and Liana; you guys were there for me that night and literally helped pick me up off the ground and stand back up again. Your friendship means so much to me still; I hope you both know that. I love you guys. And Steve; what can I say??Although things didn’t work out the way either of us had planned and talked about, and hoped for, you will always hold a piece of my heart and I will never, ever forget how you were there for me from that very first moment, and every step along the way. You were my rock, and without you, I still don’t think I would have made it through that night, the funeral, the preparations, all the steps in-between, nor the ones that followed. Despite our future not lasting forever, like we had thought it would, my love and gratitude for you will. I can never repay you for being there for me.

Step-by-step and day-by-day I’m learning to deal, cope and heal a little more. But, there’s still days that it tears me up inside, and the pain, and the memories of that night still flood my mind, body and soul, and somewhat break me. I’ve changed a lot in these past two years. Some for the better, some not so much.  

Don’t take the ones you love for granted. Don’t hesitate to tell them how you feel and what they mean to you; you never know when it might be your last chance to. I’ll never forget seeing my dad alive for the last time… He was in the driveway as I was racing out the door, in a hurry, and I yelled out “bye, love you” as I jumped into my car and drive away, while this voice in my head, and this feeling in my heart, that I didn’t quite get at the time, was saying, “go back and actually give him a hug and kiss and say I love you, you idiot, what’s a matter with you? Are you really in that big of a hurry that you can’t take the time to do that? You never know…”  Yet, I pushed that voice in my head aside, went on my way, and regretted it greatly and deeply later.

My Dad’s (and mom’s) headstone was a custom order, so it took almost all this time to get it put up finally. It was put up almost a month ago. It was a happy and sad time in my life. My Dad finally had the headstone he deserved, yet it made it so final, sitting there staring at my Dad’s name Danny Lee and dates 01-01-63 to 4-13-08 itched into stone. So permanent. So final. I could no longer deny this reality in my head as a nightmare. It made it real. No more denying. It was carved right there in stone in front of my face.

So, I guess I’ll bring this to an end. Stop and watch the sun rise, and take a moment of silence for my father. If you took the time to read this, thank you, and say an extra prayer for my dad tonight if you can.

In Loving Memory:

Danny Lee

01/01/1963 - 04/13/2008

Husband, Father, Pawpaw, Son, Brother, Friend...

PS

My dad was killed. Vehicular homicide. He was on his motorcycle. 2/10 of a mile from his own driveway.  It could have all been prevented.  Someday, justice will be served to the people responsible for my father’s death, if not here, then in the hereafter.  Karma’s a bitch mother fucker’s!!!

Watch out for bikers. Their life’s can lie in your hands.