Frayed Knot FM2 DRK's blog: "Cute Jokes"

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound—a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can't tell you. You're not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, “We can't tell you. You're not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right, I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, “May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight. . . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk. DONT SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!

The Why's of Men 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know.....it never happened) ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) And the personal favorite: 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that! his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey". A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, sweetie?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club, Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book. Just as she was quieting down, the cabbie turns around and says, "Geez, Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time." A memorial service will be held for Dave next Tuesday.

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like.Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like Weather - Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like ....Blenders - You need one, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars - Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like ... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores - Their clothes are always 1/2 off! 8. Men are like ......Government Bonds - .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like .....Mascara - They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms - You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like Lava Lamps - Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots - All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Apartment for rent A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note: Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment, I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large.' Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady

LOUISIANA GHOST STORY This happened about a month ago just outside of Cocodrie, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the >wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown! But just before the curve a shadowy figure >appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as >silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk). About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to >the other................ Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in the rain."

Chinese Proverbs ! * "Virginity like bubble. . . One prick - all gone!" * "Man who run in front of car get tired" * "Man who run behind car get exhausted" * "Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day" * "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ." * "Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok" * "Man with one chopstick go hungry." * "Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails." * "Man who eat many prunes get good run for money." * "Baseball is wrong. . . Man with four balls cannot walk!" * "Panties not best thing on earth. . . but next to it." * "War doesn't determine who's right . . . War determines who's left." * "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house." * "Man who sleep in cat house by day . . . sleep in doghouse by night." * "Man who fight with wife all day . . . get no piece at night!" * "Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!" * "It takes many nails to build crib . . . but one screw to fill it." * "Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!" * "Man who sit on tack get point!" * "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!" * "Man who lives in glass house should change in basement!" * "He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs." * "Man who farts in church sits in own pew." * "Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion." * "Crowded elevator smells different to midget."

Butch the Rooster John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

7 Degree's of blonde 1st Degree A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 o'clock in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly a blonde) picked up the phone, listened a moment and said " How should I know that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The Husband said "who was that?" The wife answered " I don't know some woman who wanted to know if the coast was clear." 2nd Degree Two blondes are walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leans over to pick it up. She opens it and looks at the mirror and says " Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says "Here let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says " you dummy! it's me. 3rd Degree A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she find him in the arms of a redhead. Well the blonde opens her purse to take out the gun,and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, " No Honey, don't do it." The blonde replies " Shut up, YOU'RE NEXT!" 4th Degree A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says " Go ahead, ask me, I know them all." A friend says " Okay what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" The blonde replied " Oh that's easy. "W." 5th Degree What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Is it MINE?" 6th Degree Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a U.C.L.A. freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked her if she knew what "Roe vs Wade was about, Bambi pondered the question and finally answered, " That's was the decision George Washington had to make before crossing the Delaware ." 7th Degree Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to fine her house ransacked and burglarized. She phone the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then she sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned " I come home to find all possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do?" "They send me a BLIND POLICEMAN!!!"