♥I am an army wife and a stay at home mommy. My husband is currently deployed. And if you don't support the troops, then do not add me as a friend. I don't need selfish, heartless jerks on my page.
♥Things I Like Jewel Norah Jones. Holly Brook Evanescence Within Temptation. Marilyn Manson Dream Theater Opera Musicals Being an army wife. Its a tough job, but I love it!
♥Things I hate Soldier Bashers, who call themselves Americans. Drama whores. Stay the fuck away from me, please. Assholes, kinda like drama whores, both their shit stinks, but one is made for daytime tv. Point whores. Yes, this is a site where points, rates, fans and friends matter, but they don't matter to me-- if its rates, points, fans you want, find them elsewhere, I have a life and could care less about the one you lack.
♥PTSD is real. It affects the whole family. Not just the person who has it.
What is this world that I behold, wrapped in golden light? What this sense of joy that slowly arises in my heart and spreads throughout my being? What is this new surge of life, new yet old, vaguely remembered yet earnestly sought for? What is this mystery of life that wells up within, that appears in the morning and does not fade with the day? Why now do I hear birds' songs, notice the flowers, watch children laugh, see the intricate beauty of this wondrous world? Why at this time does creative energy grow within that wishes, demands expression? Why do I have confidence that time will bring some wonderful events, some challenges, and , of course, some sorrows and not wish to flee away but to stay and to live?
It was not always thus in recent months. Darkness has been my companion, dwelling at times within, stalking my steps from behind, a dark specter threatening, grasping, invading. This gloom, this monster, so poisonous, so pervasive, spreading its subtle and acid venom through my being, bringing senseless tears to my eyes, apathy to my body and mind, a longing for death to my heart. Easily it removes all joy from life. It casts a gray mist over all that is lovely or innocent, makes nothing attractive, nothing appealing. It gradually crushes all confidence, sense of worth, and finally makes life so intolerable that death seems sweet.
Where has the darkness fled as I face this new day? Is it still a hidden companion, ready to take hold of me at any moment when I least suspect its arrival? Can I be sure that this monster has been defeated or will it ever lie in wait for me, coloring all my experiences with silent fear and dreadful anticipation of the worst? Means have been taken to drive the darkness out. Medication works its wonders, discussion with others opens new windows on life and the difficult roads it may ask me to tread. More than this I cannot expect. But within a loud voice cries out:. “Never darkness again! Never depression! Never, never, never!”
Whether the darkness will return or not, I cannot know. All that I can do now is to be faithful, faithful in taking the medication I need, faithful in trusting that life has a meaning and purpose for me, a unique individual, the only one such in this universe at any time. I can also use all the strength of my will to affirm what was slowly stolen from me. What was this? Essentially a sense of life. Depression crushes and destroys this. But life is something that cannot die. By destroying the body, one makes life depart but as long as it is held safe within the shell of the body, it will not be overcome.
When depression lifts, life returns. It begins to show off its beauties everywhere. What before could bring pain-the sight of people vibrantly alive, eagerly taking up activities, laughing, enjoying family and friendships, creatively spending their days-now attracts. Nature appears to be magnificent both in its grand manifestations and in its intricate subtleties. More importantly, the beauties inside one's own being start to seem real. “I can like myself.” “I can even love myself.” “I too am a child of the universe, wondrous in my very existence.” With life welling up within once more, the eyes look outward again. The loveliness of others is recognized. The sweet smile of that friend. The infectious laugh of that stranger. The grace of the runner. The strength of the builder. The skill of those who work with their hands. The attractive wisdom of the old. The potential of the young.
Once again light pervades the world. It is not that the darkness of suffering and pain has disappeared from view. This darkness is still present and calls aloud for redress. But now the darkness is not within nor is it a close companion of each moment. Somehow, in some mysterious way, life has reasserted its presence. One could dance and sing for joy: “I'm alive! I'm alive!” Joy comes with the morning and this morning is sheer joy.
