CantSleepClownsWillEatMe's blog: "Crushed and not the good way"

Right now I am feeling very crushed and down. It didnt go through, I knew to expect the worst but hell it stll hurts. I am scared of whats going to happen with us in the next few months, right now its hard to be positive when I was shot down so hard today. I respect my man more then ever though cuz today he showed me that he was at least willing to try. Back to the states I bounce on the 29th. The human ping pong ball. I wont be allowed to come back to Germany till the end of Feb beginning of March.....Being away from him feels like its gonna kill me. I am trying soooo hard not to cry right now since he is here. I dont want him to see my pain, especially how this feels. To top it off I have been sick all week and this just added to it. I dont know if I will be on Fubar in the states much since if I stay at my moms she has dial up and dial up and FU dont get along. I am terrified of many other things too, for instance staying at my moms I cant work cuz there is no bus near and she works at 430 am....I dont know how I am going to be able to see him on cam with dial up, I dont know how I am going to talk to him cuz my states cell phone is off and I cant afford another one, I dont know about my tobacco habit, yes I KNOW DIRTY habit but I am not ready to quit...... My heart feels like its crushed and to top it off I have this weekend and next weekend with him and thats it :(