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What are you waiting for?
I lost my father when I was a baby.. it left me so confused and unsure as a little girl. Only being raised by my mother and her family, I often wondered if my father's family ever loved me or cared since I had no contact for many years.. Until now. And it's still hard because we have an ocean between us and language barriers.
Spanish Doll - Poe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4E8Y62k0KYs
This place feels so unfamiliar
And yet I know it well
I think I used to belong here
But the only way I can tell
Is that I miss you still
And I cannot find you here
You left me tattered and torn
Just like that Sweet Spanish doll
(Sweet Spanish...Sweet Spanish...) doll
I went down to the alley way
(Sierra la Bonita)
And found that you were gone
Spanish doll: si nunca te fueras (if you would never leave)
You left no word no message
I still don't know
Exactly what went wrong
Spanish doll: lágrimas (tears)
But now no matter where I go
I always seem to return
Spanish doll: búscame (find me)
To where you left me tattered and torn
Spanish doll: yo estoy rompido mi muñeca (I am torn
my sweet doll)
Just like that sweet Spanish doll
(Sweet spanish...Sweet Spanish doll)
A memory guilded in red and gold
Spanish doll: del oro (of gold)
Beauty guarded and never sold
Spanish doll: cuà dame (protect me)
I keep it with me wherever I go
And I love you still
Spanish doll: Recuérdame (remember me)
No matter how a story will unfold
You know I always will
Spanish doll: Rescátame (Rescue Me)
Have part of you here
In this souvenir
(Spanish doll)
A stranger in this world without you
Is all that I can ever be
All I know that's pure and clear
You left it with me here
In this souvenir
Spanish... [fading]
Spanish...
Spanish...
...Doll
MAN:
And here is father and lovely daughter, shot down in her
mistaken flight...
(Sweet Spanish...Sweet)
MAN:
....unaware yet how her life will be
affected by this...experience.
(Sweet...Sweet...)
GIRL:
Mommy, how come you cry?
MAN:
While what was really happened was in the years of her childhood...
(Sweet Spanish...Sweet)
MAN:
Perhaps that is where the real story is: in her family house.
GIRL:
How come it's a house of leaves?
(Sweet Spanish...Sweet Spanish)
GIRL:
How come it's a house of leaves?
Spanish doll: Recuérdame
(Applause)
Dancing - Elisa
This is exactly how I'm feeling right now. My buddy Aaron sent it to me and it just fits how I am about someone.
Time is gonna take my mind
and carry it far away where I can fly
The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you
If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears
'cause it's all about love and I know better
How life is a waving feather
So I put my arms around you around you
And I know that I believe and soon
My eyes are on you they're on you
And you see that I can't stop shaking
No, I won't step back but I'll look down to hide from your eyes
'cause what I feel is so sweet and I'm scared that even my own breath
Oh could burst it if it were a bubble
And I'd better dream if I have to struggle
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me
I'm dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you
No need for anything but music
Music's the reason why I know time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists
So I just put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me
my arms around you they're around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
they're on you
My eyes
-- and on, onto the future. Regardless what may come my way.
I wrote this a long time ago when I was with my best friend once upon a time. But he wasn't the one. Best friends don't always work out.
I'm sure I'll find the one I really feel like this about eventually though. :)
----
I could swim in a pool of sorrows
Just to show you how I feel
That's how much pain is inside
I tell you that it's real.
Well maybe that's not what I want to do
Maybe I'd hope to fall in love with you.
I feel quite alive
I know I'd survive
A moment of pain for you
Because the beat of my heart
Is in rhythm with yours too.
I could fly for hundreds of miles
Just to see your face
You make me safe and comfortable
I'm never out of place
I wish you would hold me
and never let me go.
Every day is an eternity
I just thought I'd let you know
'Til the day we are together
I'll be drifting with the stars
Just glance up at the Northern light
And you'll know I'm not very far.
02/05/2004
My grandma used to recite this to me when I was little because I was always following her everywhere, clinging to her side most of the time. It's how I got the name Shadow Girl.
----
Shadow
I have this little Shadow,
Who tags along with me,
it dogs each step that I take
Everywhere I want to be.
The only time I shake it,
Is on a cloudy day,
And even when the sun is gone,
Shadow is not far away.
It's waiting 'til the sun comes out,
And I step out my door,
Then Shadows takes a hold of me,
And follows me once more.
That surely is the reason,
For shade that I seek out,
That gives me the relief I need,
While Shadow hides to pout.
Like some small child; sent to it's room,
In hot tears and disgrace,
Until I finally move along,
Then Shadow takes it's place.
It's the only thing that sticks by me,
Through good times and through bad,
So that really on a cloudy day,
No Shadow makes me sad.
<3 From Nanna Dodie
06/18/2003
-This preceeds the last blog.-
1. Dodie gets sick
2. My brother wakes up with Bells Palsy the other day, half his face is paralyzed right now.
3. My house gets busted into and robbed yesterday evening before my roomie Justin and I get home.
...
What the fuck have I done to screw my karma around lately? Seriously. I don't get it at all.
I talked to my mom for the first time since I left Southern Cali on the phone, I explained the situation to her and what's gone on.. she was understanding that it had to have been scary and glad I was okay. THEN it turns back into the same old argument, she wants me to just give up, tuck tail and run down there. Why does she do this? Because she wants me under her thumb, hiding from the world so she can control me as a means of income and sounding board to whine and complain about others because she lacks any friends. I wonder why.. -.-;
Current Mother-Daughter Status Quot: Dysfunctional and Non-Negotiable
She'll baffle me till the day I die, I feel it deep in my bones.
Anyway. Back to the Robbery. They kicked in the side door to my garage and locked the door leading into the house behind them. Which is NEVER locked unless we're all in bed, Justin will do that. So we get home from Justin picking me up from Shannon's house, pull into the garage, Justin grabs the mail from the box across the street and wanders back over while on the phone. I'm trying the door to get in, turn to him asking if he'd locked it. He shakes his head "no" and both of our eyes turn to the east bound side of the garage and notice the side door opened about a foot, the frame is cracked, the lock is tore up. Great. Justin immediately hangs up on Alberto and goes around out back to get inside the house and lets me in. He's checking everything out, the living room is stripped of our game systems.
360? Gone.
Wii? Vanished.
Wii Fit + Games (most of which we just recently acquired at maybe 50 bucks a pop)? All poofed.
He checks the office.
His NEW Laptop with irreplaceable files? Snatched.
Digital cameras? Took those too.
Video Camera? Gone gone gone, along with Heather's graduation video, Steve and Nichole's wedding ceremony and reception, who knows what else.
He runs upstairs.
OH FABULOUS!
They took his Gun Safe, with a loaded gun inside and a few extra things inside. His other gun in the bedside table, also loaded. And some extra rounds of ammunition.
While he's doing this, I stare at the cage beside our front entry way, checking the hammocks.
Empty.
They took the girls.
THEY TOOK THE FUCKING FERRETS.
Who the hell steals someone's pets on top of random assed shit?
We already know even if they're found, we won't get the girls back. Because of the 48 of 50 states they ARE legal in, we aren't one of them. It's ridiculous. But that's another story. At least the cats are alright, same with the geckos and George (the fish, lmao).
I barely slept last night because of the silence in the house, already skittish cause we just got busted in, but no familiar noise of girls waking up to be lively during the night in their 4 floor-tiered cage doing their scritch-scratching about. I want Coco and Nibbles back.
I was up till maybe 3 am waiting for CSI to come in and check the house after the Police left.. hours and hours previously. They didn't get over till maybe 10 this morning. And he was allergic and rubbing his nose all over the place... allergic to our cats.
Oy, dude you got the WRONG job to be allergic to animals.
So.. now it's just a waiting game. Til' then, we bought two new metal security screens for the front door of the house and one for the side door of the garage. Complete with double sided dead locks that can only be locked and unlocked on EITHER side with a key.
Tomorrow those suckers get put in as soon as Justin is off work.
-wanders away to find a beer-
By just copy and pasting from my other blog..
This is the most Recent.
"Mama mama mama.."
I've come to a realization that..
I'd be happy if I didn't have to deal with my mother ever again.
I'm done with being berated after EVERY. SINGLE. PHONECALL.
I have an attitude problem? I WONDER where it comes from, you crazy woman. You wonder why I'm so fucking stubborn? BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO END UP LIKE YOURSELF AT FIFTY-EIGHT YEARS OF AGE.
Go home.. ha. You never made a place for me to "go home" to. You can't help me. You are far from stable.
And don't tell me I don't know what to fucking do to protect myself after our house is broken into.
I wouldn't bother calling me again till you learn how to treat the one person in your whole family that can handle your anxiety causing behavior. Cause you know what, they won't say it. but they can't stand your attitude either. Don't complain about one thing and when people extended a helping hand to you, scare them off with your so called "high standards." Accept the help or ask for it when you need it. But don't tear people down when you get it.
I almost regret getting you a phone.. -sigh-
I love you, but I don't like you. Sorry I'm the one fuckup you can't get over.
I'm done.
If on a scale from 1 to 10 I'm a 4. What does that ultimately make you?
