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What are you waiting for?
you ever want something so much it hurts when you think about it, but the same thing you want, you think you dont deserve and tell yourself you dont want it and terrifies you?
the past 48 hrs have been really hard for me i've been put in situations that make me happy and very uncomfortable and sad at the same time andrealized something potentially bad...
i want to get married...i want to have kids... i want to have a real family with a husband who loves me and i love him and be pregnant with that love and have a baby and a complete "family"
but the thought of that terrifies me that it cant happen or wont last or i will lose my love and child and have my heart and life ripped from me again and that i dont even deserve that kind of love because of the things ive done in my past and i'm freaking out because i want it soooo bad but think i will never have it even if for no other reason then my fears messing it up and chance that there is no one able to stick with me thru my fears and self tortute and no one should have to.....
i hate this...
I DON'T KNOW ALL THE WORDS I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY TO MAKE THIS EASY OR MAKE IT GO AWAY. TOO NEW THIS GIGGLE RESTS IN MY CHEST AT PEACE. NOW BIRTHING PREMATURE MY BREATH OF YOU AND I'LL SIGH RELIEF WHEN IT HAILS MY HEAVY HEART. LIKE AN ANGEL SINGING BEACON A HUM SWEET LIKE A SALT WATER SUNSET, YOU FEEL LIKE JUNE TO ME. ITS THE SUN, PURPLE TO ME IT'S ROYALTY DEMANDING RESPECT AND I AM ON MY KNEES WITHOUT HESITATION HOLDING MY IMUNE HEART IN MY HANDS I AM HEADLESS, STRUNG AND STUCK FROM THE SUCK THAT YOU NEED SWEET ROLLS ROLL FROM BENEATH MY SKIRT TO HUNGRY MOUTHS THAT YOU LEAVE UNFED SOMETIMES SO HEARTLESS REMOVE YOURSELF LIKE I HAVE REMOVED ALL SENCE IN YOU I'M A VISION IN ROSE WITH GLASSES OF DIAMONDS AND I CAN SEE YOUR PERFECTION IT'S A DEEP SHADE OF BLUE NAVY LIKE YOUR SOUL TRADITION RINGS IN YOU TRUE THERE'S NO WAY I CAN CONTROL THIS AND IT MAKES ME MAD THAT SOMETHING SO SIMPLE AS TRADITION MAKES A FIRE IN ME THAT COULD BURN SO DEEP LIKE THIS WHAT IS GOING ON? WHY WON'T YOU LET ME IN ON IT? CAN YOU TELL? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHY AM I THINKING TOO MUCH? I NEED ASSURANCE ONLY I CAN BELIEVE IN MYSELF FOR IT TO MATTER. YOUR LAUGHTER DRIVES ME MAD A GOOD MAD A WARM MAD YOUR SARCASM PERVERTS ME AND MAKES ME WANT MORE. IT'S LATE AND I THINK OF YOU WHY CAN'T YOU THINK OF ME? OR DO YOU? QUESTIONS PRECEED ANSWERS I LACK COURAGE SO I'LL NEVER HAVE ANSWERS
