I've got a following that has gotten inspired so figured I'd start putting it in here.
August 25, 2006, 12:23:am
Well this is my first serious journal entry. I figure I'll talk about my path to getting thin again. Maybe writting about what I am experiencing will help others. Or maybe not. Who knows. Only time will tell. Knowing me, I won't even keep a steady journal about it lol. I'm rotten like that. Start something then get side tracked.
So heres a bit about me.
I'm 5' 11", 36 and obviously I'm fat. My max weight was 440lbs and as of 8-22 I was down to 398. Not bad considering I'm not going full out to loose it (I've done that so many times that its ruined my metabolism).
I've been working on issues 1 at a time. I've had to overcome severe depression first (kind of lost it when my mom died of cancer 3 months after my fiance of 4 years left. My own fault with his leaving because I was convinced I was going to die like mom was going to and pushed him away. Poor guy, he tried to keep us going but I just kept pushing. Luckily we stayed friends). The major weight gain made my body stop producing some hormone and now I have mild to moderate OCD.
Talk about a pain in the arse! I'm the one that discovered the OCD, blasted doctors kept putting me on so many different medications that never worked. Finally got on the right meds when I watched a tv documentary on OCD. Freaked me out, I could have sworn they were talking about me! I was horrified yet relieved.
Anywhoo, thats another story. Back to the beginning steps of loosing the weight.
I spent a few years in therapy, a lot of years being put on wrong medicines and a lot of years with doctors telling me if I lost weight I wouldn't have the back pain I live with. Would they help me loose weight? Nope. Just told me to cut my calories etc etc etc. So I'd do the loose 30 here. Gain 40 back. Loose 20 there, gain 28 back. Typical yo yo weight loss and gain.
I finaly got to the point I couldn't stand trying to loose the wieght. I've spent so much of my life trying to loose and failing. The only thing that worked was PhenPhen and don't it figure that was taken off the market. Yeesh.
I look at pictures of me when I was thin, and remember feeling I was as fat as I am now. Its such a shame the pressure I was put in to loose a measly 30 maybe 40 pounds. Why couldn't people have just left me alone? Accepted me for who I was? But no, I was expected to look like one of those models that you can see their ribs. Come on, get real. I've never had the body structure to be bone thin, nor have I ever wanted to be so.
I do know this though. When I do reach MY goal wieght, NOT everyone elses, I'm going to stick around it and if anyone tells me "Oh don't you think you should loose a few more pounds" their gonna get an ear full of fury! Never again will I allow ANYONE to bring me down again!
Opps, got side tracked again hehe.
So anywhoo. I'm in the first steps of getting ready to have gastric bypass surgery. Hopefully in January. I have to quit smoking and quit caffiene. Arrgg. My worst vices.
I have a month to basically get down to 8 cigarettes a day. I smoke about a half a pack or so daily. I've decided to just go ahead and quit cold turkey on Sept 1. Thats when things are going to get rough.
Thats going to be when I prove to myself whether or not I will succeed after the surgery.
I'm scared to death that I'm gonna fail, and scared to death that I'm gonna succeed.
In other words the whole frigging process is gonna scare me to death no matter which way I go and going it alone (ie having no mate) is gonna drive me nuts.
Oh well. I'll deal.
I'll cope.
AND I'll succeed.
More to be written later.
