Girls man, you have to truly appreciate the ladies. Women are special, they're all wonderful and unique. They've each got these wonderful defining characteristics and you love them all, by and large, for the same reason.
Boobies.
It's true. If guys had tits *poof* gone, you would never see them again. And it's not because they're new and different and we've gotta check 'em out. It's cuz they're magic.
I swear to God! Girls, anytime you want something, ever, just say it with your tits.
Wiggle them, squish 'em together, hell for you adventurous ones show a little bit off, I swear by all that is holy whatever you wanted has appeared faster than you could finish making up your mind. "I want a candy bar *wiggle wiggle* but I'm not su- "*poof* the entire front shelf of a gas station register is now in your lap.
But you have to treat women with respect. That is one thing you can never take for granted, women are special and wonderful and individual. They're like... cookies.
It's true. Every woman is a cookie. You've got your chocolate chip, your vanilla macadamia nut, brownies, lemon bars, chocolate chocolate chip, ginger snaps and (my personal favorite) the snickerdoodle. I mean when you think about it, as many types of cookies there are you can think of a woman in your own life that would be that cookie. Right now you're like "Psh! Yeah right!" but I swear, in about a week it's gonna hit ya "Oh my god, Karen! Why are you so sugar cookie?"
But they are, women are cookies and it's wonderful. It's better than those platters put out at Christmastime. Guys, you're walking around in a sea of sugarbread and frosting and going "Yes! Life is wonderful. I will even watch those sprinkles come out to play during summer."
And most guys are content with sticking to one kind of cookie. Or at least one cookie at a time. There are those few special bastards that get more than one cookie at once and you just sit there holding your cookie going, "Look at that lucky son of a bitch. Look at tha- I hope you choke! Bastard" There are some guys out there who only want one special cookie off the whole fucking plate but for whatever reason it is not that man's time for that cookie.
But every guy has that friend. You all know who I'm talking about too. It's that one guy in the group who is a Cookie Monster. And for you girls out there going "Huh? That blue guy on Sesame Street 'C is for cookie' and all that?" Yes. That is exactly what I'm refering to. The guys reading this are nodding their heads, scrolling through their cell phone directory so he can call the guy and be like "You dick! You fucking cookie monster!"
There is though, there are those guys out there who have been out in into the world and are no longer satisfied with the "one cookie per person at a time" policy. These guys are on a permanent ban from Mrs. Fields' ok? You walk in, you see the cookie pizzas, bam! Right there on the back wall above the register "No cookie for this man!"
And everybody knows this guy, but they love him. That's the problem. Because cookie monsters are cute, the bastards. Cookie monsters are the guys that will go out there and be loved by all, surrounded by women and all of them want him and want to be with him. Nine times out of ten the guy doesn't even like the chick back but it's just habit "Oh alright baby, I'll call ya, sure."
For guys like me this poses a serious problem cuz I just want the snickerdoodle, just the one "C'mon man. I mean, you've got all those other girls" at this point this is the relative with the crap on his fingers that reaches out and picks up or touches every fucking cookie on the plate. "Dennis, you have to share, just take your cookie and- Den, Denny. Denny no! Put those- put, stop it!"
And me, I'm just like "Dude, bro, duder, seriously man, you've got all those, you've hooked up with every fucking chick I've ever met, ok? All these girls like you or want to be with you in some way. I just want this one, I just want the snickerdoodle bro. I mean she's cute and it's nice and simple and you're over there, you got your sugar cookie, your chocolate chip, your oreos, I just want the one"
And it is at this point that this guy and every one like him metaphorically (and I want you to envision this) he reaches out, purposefully selects the singularly specified cookie, picks it up and Licks the back of it! "Uuhn!" Slams it back on the top of the pile!*pfft!* and then acts like he had no idea what just happened, looking around all confused "What?"
Son of a Bitch!
Every damn time! I just want the damn snickerdoodle man...
