I haven't blogged much lately.. not anything of real importance anyways. Sure i have posted a few silly things.. and a few things about a contest i was hosting, but nothing about me. I have been going through alot latey. I think i am kinda having one of those mid-life cirises. I know i am only 30ish.. but in my family we have been kicking off early latley, so maybe this is it? As most know i am married. All i ever wanted since i was a litle girl was to be married and have a big family. I know i am an fairly atractive girl.. but i know i am not the kind of woman men want to have a relationship with. I am fine to date breifly,... or to have a fling with. But , for some reason.. I am not the girl men want to settle down with. I can be clingy, and cry alot..i need lots of physical contact/affection. i can be a terrible procrasonator.. and i hate to do housework. I am a worrywart, and tend to get sucked into things quite easily that i don't particularly want to do. I am artistic and my taste is eclectic.. i am indicisive,, and my heart is to big for my own good. But when i love someone .. I love them heart and soul.. I give them everything i have got and then some.
My husband cheated on me... physically had sexual encounters with another woman,, on and off for several years. And now i find that there might be a baby out there that is his. I just feel like a failure. Like i have failed in every way a woman can fail possible.
All i wanted in life is to have someone love me. I recently was talking to someone right here on C.T. A man i thought that i was being careful with. a man i thought that truly loved me for me. He was my freind.. my confidant. We never met in person but spent hours on end just chattin via cam conferences. It felt real seeing his face as he "spoke " to me. I was so hungry and starved for attention. That i gobbled up every lie that he fed me. He came to me as a gentelman. Not some pervy internet horndog out to cyber or meet up for a fling. He made me feel special. Like I was somebody worthy of being loved. I wanted so bad to have someone in my life that loved me for me and all of my flaws.. and he just crushed me. Overnight he simply lost interest. He started talking to another girl behind my back. Someone thinner.. someone younger.. someone with no kids or a mangled past. I was/am devasted. And instead of handeling things like a man..he has just blocked me from his page completley. From all mesengers,.. and refuses to talk to me at all. He wont even answer his phone. I could have handled being "just friends"... for his freindsip is what i valued the most. But he just completly wrote me off.. no explination.. nothing.
In the mean time my husband has been kissing my ass an begging me to come back to him.. to make things work. And i have felt guilty for not being able to forgive him. I have been turning things around in my head.. making myself beleive what he was teling me..it was my fault for not being a better spouse. I was going to stay with him. And then he pulled something funny the other night,, 2 nights ago i think. He suddenly came home with flowers. And said "just because i bought these doesn't mean i cheated on you.. if a man brings flowers don't necssarilly mean he did something bad".
So i called her today,... the other woman, Jeanie' on a hunch. And she told me everything. He has continued everything on with her even after i caught him and learned about the baby. He spent New Years Eve with her and was just there.. the day/night he brougt me home flowers and gifts for the kids.
I cant take any more... i just lost my dad... he wasn't even helpfull through that... he was awfull and spitfull and selfish.
Now I find out that he had D.N.A. test done and didnt tell me?.. and i am not supposed to get mad. I just called an attourny.. and began the final paperwork for divorce proceedings. I am soo done.stick a fucking fork in me.I hate all me.. untill one proves me different.. you are all the fucking same. I will probablly change my mind by tomorrow on the whole man hating thing.. but right now.. i do!!!
