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Table For Two: Ad Infinitum 3:10 pm December 27, 2003 To the woman, Damien was misinterpreted. At times she felt he was a little pushy or almost too concerned. Yet, that may be impossible in this matter. Still, she felt she had lost everything, slowly but surely, through the years she had lost it all. Her home, her father, and her mind. She was lost herself in this cold and unforgiving world. No matter what, she would still always reserve a nice table for two in the diner of her heart and mind. One for Damein and Her to sit and speak of things lost and found. Always knowing the underlying pangs and twitches would come through and through. They would try to ignore the wretching and pestering thoughts to no avail. So they feast upon feelings and emotions they passed to each other. Some with comfort and joy, so as to help their hearts. She would always love him, and hope that wherever they were, he would be okay. That he would be happy. Catch-22 If You Can When She came over on Christmas night, it made the whole day completely worthwhile for me. Even after the scare with calling the Paramedics for Grandma, her showing up made me feel a lot better. When she fell asleep on the bed and I couldn't wake her up, I just sat there watching her sleep. Just her being there next to me helped me feel so much better that night. Even though I lay next to her crying most of the night, just knowing she was there was so calming to me. The next day, I let her sleep in, because I could tell she was tired and not feeling well, and I spent most of the day writing about her. Though when she finally woke up around four in the afternoon, she was upset with me for letting her fall asleep here in the first place. She was mad for me letting her sleep so long and for not knowing I should have gone over to her Mom's and getting "her" cell phone and locking her Mom's door. It hurt me so much with her being so upset with me, and the look on her face and the tone of her voice... And here I thought I had done good by letting her get her sleep so she would feel better. She has snapped at me quite a lot lately since that day and it makes me wonder what it is that is causing her to take all of this out on me. If anyone should be snapping at people, it should be me, you'd think. But I have kept my cool pretty damned well through all of this, and really feel there is not much of a reason to snap. Except maybe because all of this came as a big surprise to me and my whole world has been turned upside down and turned inside out. And then to add insult to injury, someone comes along and pours salt in the wounds and gets a big kick out of it. New Year's Regurgitations Pattern January 8, 2005 Happy New Year, and thus it all starts over once again. The same situations and scenarios begin to play out yet another time, and it seems No One has really been paying attention to the Lessons we have been presented to learn. Yet again it all starts anew and one can't help but wonder and doubt about the outcome of this repeated pattern, and exactly how it will play out This Time... You would think that by now, after all we have been through together, all the pain and suffering and the tears, that the lesson would be learned thoroughly, and that this time Caution would be in heavy use. I guess we can only wait and see what happens This Time, and hope and pray that Good Judgement and Common Sense prevail, and that there will be no Reason Whatsoever for Doubt and Worry. Hopefully... It is amazing how another can easily deceive one when it comes to matters of the Heart. Because you Love someone so much, you are very trusting and believe everything they tell you, taking all at face value and never doubting them one bit. You believe that all they are telling you is right and true, and you never try to read into anything, all because you Love Them, and you have no reason to ever imagine them hurting you, lying to you or even withholding something from you. And if, one day, they DO hurt you, and not tell you the Whole Story, you are so completely blindsided and baffled in the wake of it. So baffled, that you are left confused and lost as to what You Should or Should Not do in regards to what they have done, all because of that rarely valued and cherished trust that comes from Love. From then on, it is a whole new ballgame. You want so much to be able to go back to the carefree days before the Disaster, when it was cut and dry as to how things worked in the relationship. When you could easily Trust them and not worry about things like who they are with and What exactly they are doing with them. You would not lie awake in bed at night wondering if You had done something wrong and if you did, What exactly had You done wrong, and if you would ever see them again. After something like that happens, you find yourself questioning trivial things, wondering if they are telling you the truth about who they are talking to on the phone, or who they are going out with. You begin to question if they are actually being honest with You when you ask them if there is something wrong or bothering them, and they say No, nothing is wrong. Everything that was once familiar is now Alien, because all has fallen under the Shadow of Doubt, and has a whole different look and feel to it. You have now become a resident of Letdown Row... Later in your Life, when this tragic set of events has happened to you a few times, you begin to lose touch with all you once had believed in so strongly, and you lose faith. As you drift further from whom you once were, you begin to with for it all to come to an end, all the pain and heartache in your life causes you to WANT to die, or disappear. You start to do things you would not normally do in order to inflict damage on yourself, to slowly try to kill yourself off piece by piece. The eventual outcomes of this type of behavior are very Sad, but So True. These roads eventually lead to either Suicide, Overdose or even worse in some cases, Madness. And to think, all of this was caused by our inherent nature in being humans in "Love," our belief that one you Love so dearly would Never, Ever hurt us or let us down. And because of this TRUST, here we lay dying or already DEAD, because we are in "LOVE..." After all the pain and anguish had finally subsided, Damien had a chance to sort out all the events and emotions involved in his relationship with Julia. Once he had a chance to lay it all out and take a step back to see the whole picture, a lot of issues the two of them had with each other finally became clear to Damien and many questions were finally answered. One of the most glaring points made clear was Julia’s age. While Damien was with her, he could not see this or how it had affected their relationship overall, because he Loved her and was too close to see its effect on them. But now here it was, so blindingly clear to him. She was mentally too immature and young to be a stable enough partner for him. She still had a lot of growing up to do, and she would not know exactly WHO she really was for a long time to come. She had yet to really experience Life on Life’s terms, and when she finally did, Damien had a feeling it would royally surprise the hell out of her, and that she might not be able to handle it very well. She was accustomed to having someone take care of her and shield her from all of Life’s harsh realities. Someone had always given her the drugs that she partied on, and a place in which she could party. Necessary things were always provided for her and all she had to do was be beautiful and shake her ass from time to time. Another painfully obvious flaw was that she was very able to criticize others, but she could not handle being criticized herself. In her young mind, She was perfect and could do no wrong. Everyone but her own self was wrong, and she was the one to make sure to point this out to everyone. “Oh, Fuck it all,” Damien exclaimed to himself. He was mentally exhausted by the extent of the similarities of his relationships and how they had all seemed to turn out exactly the same. It seemed he was beginning to see the patterns of His own life and how long he had wasted banging his head against the same walls in life by repeating the same patterns over and over again. January 8, 2004 The decision to flee was never a spontaneous decision, it had been eating away at their sub-conscious minds for a long time now. They both knew that if they remained in this place much longer, it would devour them entirely, leaving them dead or deranged and locked away someplace with rubber walls. Everywhere they looked were the constant reminders of Failure, letdowns, Pain and suffering, and this was definitely not the place to nurture a healthy, happy future for them. The Dis-Ease had a very strong hold on this place, and most of the blissfully ignorant people therein, and there was no hope of ever changing that. To try and coexist side by side with the infected masses in any way, shape or form was Insanity. They already felt the initial stages of Dementia setting in just by being anywhere near those with the Dis-Ease, and it sickened them to even breathe the air. So when they had finally gotten their personal affairs in order and gathered what few precious things they would be taking with them, they were finally ready to leave this Godforsaken place once and for all. Since they were now prepared to leave for good, they decided to stop off at their favorite bar and have a few Farewell drinks with their friends they would be leaving behind. The bar felt just as warm and friendly as a bar could ever feel to them as Damien and Chani stepped through the door into the festive, alcohol-fueled atmosphere within. Everyone they knew in the bar greeted them as they sat down on two of the barstools near the midway point of the bar and prepared to order their last drinks ever at the S.S. Porthole. They knew how sad it would make the "Regulars" of the bar to hear that they would be leaving. So as they explained why they were leaving and where they were planning on going the two of them decided to buy a round of drinks for the bar and make a celebration out of their leaving. Little did Chani and Damien know of exactly how strange of an evening they would be in for as they ordered their drinks. Walking slowly up the street in Anywhere, U.S.A. was Dis-Ease, in the flesh, coming to pay a visit to the S.S. Porthole. Dis-Ease was lonely tonight and wanted nothing more than to make himself some new friends for the evening to join him in his Misery. January 12, 2004 Damien had not even been aware that he had passed through the Gateway and thus into the Land Of Never, a parallel universe so like our own that one rarely notices they are in another dimension unless they are “awake.” Damien had been so lost in his thoughts of Chani that he had not seen the portal of the Gateway open before him, so that now the only way he was able to tell this was the Land Of Never was the subtle differences. He noticed a Santa Claus in the Mall, who was fat in all the wrong places, and he was saying “He, He, He!” instead of the normal “Ho, Ho, Ho!” and it was the middle of July, Christmas not coming for another six months. As Damien confirmed that he was, indeed, in the Land Of Never, he focused now on exactly why he had unconsciously crossed over to this place that is the mirrored image of Reality. He began to watch for His Crows, which, on this side of the veil are White Doves, and sure enough, he saw them arrive at almost the same moment he had thought of them. They would show him the way to what he was unconsciously searching for. He knew that he would have to speak to the only Mendhaspek, or “Seer” and means “to learn”- Mendh and “to observe” – Spek. Here in “The Other Place,” Never is well known for its random and oft seen occurrences of Chaos, since here, there is no protective layer of energy to filter out the unseen energies, or spirits from what is “Real.” Our own world has that thin membrane which keeps all of us from going mad from the mind’s shock and horror while rational thought overloads trying to keep track of Real and Sur-Real. If most people in our world had to go through that and try and process all this Sur-Real manifestations of ‘other-worldly’ energies, their minds would snap, and they would lose touch with Reality, no longer sure what is Real and what is not. January 16, 2005 What is not possible in our World is very possible in Never. We can fly ourselves around there. We are able to read minds in Never and so no one really speaks out loud if ever, so that was another clue that was a dead giveaway to Damien as to his whereabouts. Now knowing for sure, he then took to the sky, flying in the direction of the Mendhaspek’s home far off in the foothills of Mount Nod. Any trip within the range of Mount Nod’s sphere of Influence was usually very taxing on the psyche of anyone within that area. The alternating energies that lie between our world and the Land Of Never are very chaotic, unpredictable and violent. Thus why it is next to impossible for most people to even see this barrier, much less cross over it. Their conscious mind would not be capable of processing the sensory input of something as off the wall as a Whole Separate Dimension on the other side of this wall of plasmic energy between Realities. They go through their lives never knowing what is Really out there and what is Really "Real," because to them, it is the Unseen, and so thus, it Does Not Exist to them. But hey, What they don't know can't hurt them, Right? WRONG! It is these very things, the "Unseen" things that are controlling and affecting their very lives, and the outcome of many events in their lives. And because they don't see, they have given their existence to some unknown entity to control and manipulate the outcome of their life. But it is not their fault that things are this way at all, for they are not the ones who pulled the curtain between Worlds and Realities to hide the power of Never from the wrong types of people. March 31, 2005 Thus here the saga of Damien LaRouche continues, as the “Man with No Soul” continues his wanderings and Revelations of Life. Damien now found himself at peace; for the first in his life, he felt “at home.” Never before had he experienced serenity as complete and fulfilling as he now felt. He smiled inwardly as he thought about all the trials and tribulations he had endured as they were leading him up to this point in his life. Everything he had been through had happened for a reason, and it had all been proved worthwhile. Knowing the reason finally was a great relief to Damien, because it answered all of the little nagging questions that had plagued him over the years: “Why? How Come? When? Where? How?” all answered to the fullest finally at long last. He could feel the weight of doubt lift off of his shoulders and he could finally breathe a great sigh of relief! April 1, 2005 As Damien strolled through his past, pondering events and moments gone by, he was suddenly struck by an odd insight into some of the madness that he used to live in day to day. He recalled the long evenings he and Chani used to share, doing nothing but laying in each others arms for hours at a time discussing life, the past and what the future may hold in store. It was peaceful, serene times such as this that stuck out most in Damien’s mind because of how loving and at ease they felt with each other. He remembered how they would stay up all night long like this, not knowing how much time had passed, nor caring for that matter. When they would lapse into moments of quiet reflection, Damien recalled that he could tell it was in the early hours of the morning by listening to the chirping of the birds in the trees outside their window. April 2, 2005 It was Divine Intervention that had kept Damien alive this long, he realized now. He now knew this to be a fact in his life, for he now knew the reason for himself being here on earth. He knew that this reason was to enlighten others who were facing the same trials and tribulations he had gone through before, to share his Experience, Strength and Hope. April 4, 2005 Damien felt one of those trance-like zones coming on again, the ones where everything disappeared around him. He hated when these came on, because he felt disconnected from everything and everyone around him. He didn’t like this kind of disassociation from the world that he so loved to be a part of, because it took him back to the times when he was “on the outside, looking in” and he didn’t want to go back to those times ever again. Sometimes he felt that it was the weather that caused times like this, but he knew deep in his heart that it was actually something inside himself that was unresolved causing these episodes to occur. What was it this time? He didn’t know. All he knew was that he had to try to keep his head up and stay positive, otherwise he was liable to fall again. And he didn’t want to fall again! That was the last thing he wanted to happen, because when he fell, It Hurt! Bad! As he paced and wandered aimlessly trying to figure out what was causing this episode of the blues, he seriously assessed his feelings and thoughts to see what the trigger was for this one. Intent on staying happy, he diligently went through his mental checklist to compare what was so different about this morning to other mornings. From what he could see, it was that he had finally gotten in touch with his family, and he was just sort of going through a kind of emotional hangover from the elation of speaking with them after months of thinking they never wanted to talk to him again. Yeah, that seemed pretty plausible in his mind. Then again, it did seem pretty lame when you thought about it… It was Damien who kept putting off calling his family in the first place, and so basically it was his fault that he was feeling like this today. So, why the trance-like zone? Good question, Damien thought to himself. Maybe it was just that he hadn’t been sleeping so well over the last couple of nights. After being homeless for so long, it was still hard to adjust to new people around him, especially after he had gotten used to a core group of friends, he wasn’t ready for new “friends.” Not yet, anyway. But who was he to decide who came when and where from, as he himself had shown up in such similar circumstances. “Judge Not, lest ye be Judged yourself,” right? What will be will be, and what God has planned for us, we cannot complain as His Divine Plan is so mysterious, yet all happens for a reason, so “Let Go, Let God,” and get over it. His plans for us will be the best for us in the end if we just allow ourselves to listen for a change instead of opening our mouths and complaining. SELAH! The End... For Now... hahahahahaha

The Dream Is Over… Well, here I sit now, broken down until I question me and what all I might have done wrong. She called me this morning to say Merry Christmas, which was nice, but all I kept thinking was exactly how painful this Christmas has become so far. All through the night I kept waking up crying, thinking about what I have lost and trying to figure out exactly why. And let me tell you, I am no closer to figuring that out at all. Shit, I didn’t even really feel like opening my presents at all because of all of this. This morning has been far from what I pictured in my mind about how it would be. I imagined waking up with Her in my arms and giving her a kiss, waking her so I could say Merry Christmas and hug her. Then we would go out to the front room and get some coffee and open our presents together, side by side smiling at each other as we shared what we received with one another. Instead, I woke up alone, crying and feeling cold and desolate, empty, Lost… Lost I am indeed without her bright, loving eyes to look into and know everything is gonna be all right. I keep looking around the bedroom and seeing all of Her things, and I can’t help but thinking to myself that she just might change her mind and decide to come home to me. But alas, it seems every time I see her or talk to her on the phone, she manages to stamp out any kindling of hope I may have. As the Mushroomhead song says, “You take me Higher than the Lowest Place Yet, One More Day To Regret”. I think that seems to sum it up pretty well. Compassion Has been Cancelled and no feelings will be spared. The Dream is Definetely over. I know because when she walked in after missing for five days, I asked Her if I was dreaming, and she said, “No, this is definitely Real”. That’s when I knew it was over. Yet I still hope and pray that she will change her mind. And I honestly do not know if I can really handle living Life without her in my life. Not to be Melodramatic or anything, but she really does mean the Whole Universe to me. And without her, there is pretty much nothing discernable I can think of that is worth even waking up in the morning for. Not even Music or Writing seem to make me happy anymore, they hardly even keep my mind off of Her. Shit I feel as if I might as well have all my limbs amputated because they are of no use to me anymore. I sometimes wish I could amputate my mind because it incessantly dwells on this whole situation with Her. I cannot escape the pain even in sleep because I have dreams about Her, and I have been crying in my sleep even. That’s when you know the pain is really bad because even your Sub-Consious mind is affected by it. Everytime I hear a vehicle that sounds even vaguely like her Ex’s van, I sit up hoping that she is coming home to stay, and I look out the window only to be let down because it is not Her, only some other vehicle. It is really quite sad that I do this, because it seems she has really been thorough and final about letting me know that she is leaving me. I just hope that she truly heard me when I told her about the bad feeling I had about her leaving with her ex. I worry that he will not take care of her or even leave her stranded somewhere where she doesn’t know anyone. Not to mention that I also worry that he will make her problems even worse, or even hurt Her physically or mentally. If I ever found out he does any such thing, I would track him to the ends of the Earth and make him suffer and pay for such an atrocity. Just even thinking of any such thing makes me physically sick to my stomach. I just got off the phone with her and I must say, it was a very interesting conversation. The way she was talking and some of what she said once again has sparked that glimmer of hope for me. But I know not to allow myself to believe it might happen only to be let down once again in the end. The Sleeping Gentle Giant Journals December 26, 2003 The woman lay quietly sleeping next to him in the bed they had once shared, not too long ago together, dreaming of what, he could not tell. Nor would he probably ever know what she dreamed, for she scarcely even told him what was troubling her when she had come over in the dead of Christmas night. She had only said that she had had a really bad day and that she felt sick, and had said nothing more. Well, being empathetic like he was, and knowing her fairly well, he could tell that a lot was troubling her. So he did not try to pry any further, only telling her that if she wished to talk about her day and what was wrong, that he was a very good listener. He felt good when she replied that she knew he Was, in fact, a damn good listener. Soon after arriving, she had commented to him that she was feeling very tired, which he could plainly see in the way her face looked to him, that she was extremely tired, so he suggested that she lay down. To this she said that she could not fall asleep here, and this hurt him deeply, to which he replied, “Why Not?” She told him, matter of factly, that she was expected at her Mother’s house, which he could understand. But what he really could not understand was why she kept acting like a cornered animal whenever he would try to touch her, comfort her as a friend, or try to help her in some way. Over the last couple of days since she had broke off the relationship with him, he had been noticing these odd little quirks in her that involved him in any way. She seemed to loathe hugging him, or even coming in any physical contact with him. In the back of his mind he vaguely felt as though she thought he carried the Plague or some such notion, and this really hurt Damien deeply. Here was the woman he Loved and Cared for so much, and she seemed like she was afraid of him. But even through all of this, Damien still Loved her and he would stand solid and firm for her in case she might actually need his help. And he would continue to do so as long as they both may live and beyond. For, he Loved her, and that is what people in Love do for each other, and he knew that if it is actually possible, he would be there for her for all Eternity. Soon after saying how tired she was, she finally collapsed from sheer exhaustion, both physically and mentally, quickly falling asleep in a fetal position beside Damien. He sat for awhile next to her watching her with concern, for he could tell that whatever had happened to her since he last saw her had definitely taken its toll on the very fabric of her soul. He could literally feel her psychic wounds from where he sat watching her. Silently, Damien uttered words of healing to himself, hoping to help ease her pain so that she may sleep more soundly. Eventually he did try to wake her, to see if she wanted to get to her Mother’s house, when she had said previously was expecting her, but to no avail. She was too exhausted to waken. He tried a couple more times to wake her, for if she had to be at her mother’s, he did not want her upset with Him for not trying to wake her. But alas, she could not be woken, and he felt it best for her to get some sleep and be comfortable. He felt that she would understand and might actually be thankful to him for letting her rest, but he would not know for sure until she actually woke the next morning. And even if she did get upset with him, Damien was content knowing that he had done what was in her best interest, and that was well worth any tongue lashing he might endure because of his decision. As the night wore on and she slept, Damien sat thinking of the irony of this situation. What was ironic was that just the previous night, he had been laying in bed thinking about her and how much he missed just having her near him, crying tears of loss and pain. And now, tonight he sat watching her sleep, crying tears of loss and pain as she lay not even a few inches away from him, but yet she seemed so very far away. So far away from him in some place he would probably never get to know because she would no longer share such details with him ever again. Here she was right in front of him, but yet he could not even get an inkling of information from her about what was troubling her, or if there was even one little thing he could do to change her mind or make her feel better. She had closed herself off to him, or so it seemed. It’s funny, thought Damien, how time can go by so slowly when you are waiting for something or someone, but yet time flies by when that something or somebody finally gets there. He felt that this evening with Her had flown by him, seeming like he only got to spend mere seconds with her. It always seemed like that with her lately. One second, she is there talking with him, and then he blinks and she is gone without a trace and he is left with only memories and that aching, longing feeling to be with her once more. As he sat and watched the woman sleep, Damien could not help but start crying as he gazed upon her beautiful features. He remembered how much he loved to hold her close as they would fall asleep together, how he would come into the room and just watch her sleep before he would wake her up for yet another day. Eventually, Damien decided to lay down also, carefully positioning himself close to her but yet not touching her so she would not get upset with him. As he lay next to the woman he loved so dearly, a grand feeling came over him when, in her sleep, she had turned in just such a way that brought her closer to him to where their bodies were touching. In Damien's mind it seemed that she had sub-consciously made this move of her own free will and actually meant to bring herself closer to him. Or at least so he had imagined. Not being one to read too closely into coincidences, Damien didn't make a big deal of it to himself and just lay there next to her with a sigh and smile of contentedness, being overjoyed with the chance to be close to her once again. Damien knew that he may never have the opportunity to lay so close to her ever again, so he smiled, layed back crying happily and made the most of it. He watched her and listened to her breathe, becoming intoxicated by the sight, sound and smell of her, basking in her prescence. As sleep drew nearer for Damien, he began to reflect on how he had come to be in the right place, at the right time to meet this woman who just so happened to perfectly fit what he considered his "Dream Girl." A dream girl that Damien had constructed in his mind over the years that he considered his ideal woman and mate. He knew in general what this woman would look like, sound like and how well she would compliment his personality traits and actually be the Yin to his Yang. She would be his Best Friend, his Lover, His Advisor, His Confidant just as he would be to Her. Before Damien and his mother had moved to this town, he had not really wanted to move to this place because it was yet even further from all of his friends and places he knew so well all of his life. And being further meant it would be that much harder for him to return to where he felt he belonged. This actually scared Damien-The Unknown... But as Fate would have it, he and his mother had started to look for a new home in this place beyond places. And as they went from place to place looking for one that felt comfortable for both of them, Damien began to feel despair. That was until they came to this One Particular Place... As they drew closer to this place, Damien's mother was telling him all about the house and how she thought it seemed a nice place to live and such, when all of the sudden, his senses perked up and he got that "Feeling." It's that feeling you get when you just know deep down that this is just SO RIGHT! And the closer they got, the stronger his feeling grew until they finally arrived, and he just KNEW this was Home. Excited, Damien jumped out of the car and began to look around the outside of the house and everything around it. As he was exploring, his mother informed him that the Manager of the park lived right across the street and that hopefully meant that all might be safer and quieter because of this. As she pointed the Manager's house out to him, Damien started to just give a precursory glance in order to pacify his mother so she would leave him alone to explore, when something caught his eye. The whole world dissolved around him as he focused on the most magnificent and beautiful creature God had ever put upon the earth in all its history- It was Her! The woman he instantly fell in Love with just so happened to be their Manager's daughter, but that meant nothing to Damien. He stood transfixed as he stared at her across the street, walking elegantly and gracefully across his field of vision. From the first moment he saw her, he knew that he Loved Her and that she WAS his "Dream Girl," only much better than he had ever imagined. And from then on it seemed that he had accidentally stumbled into Heaven, for that is how every moment he spent with her felt to him. Thinking back on all this, Damien felt that when he left Her to go to Illinois in May, that was the biggest, dumbest mistake he had ever made in his whole life. This being because when he came back for Her in September, he found out that she had gotten back with her ex-boyfriend and had been living with him pretty much the whole time Damien had been away. And he felt his mistake in leaving Her was the basis for what he was now going through with Her. If he had never left in the first place, things may have turned out completely different, and he would not be sitting here crying as he longed to touch the woman sleeping beside him that he loved more than life itself. He wanted to bang his head against a brick wall and scream out for his stupidity. He wanted to claw his own eyes out so that he would not have to endure looking upon his own mistakes. He wished that he would cease existing so as not to feel what he felt inside himself. Damien was startled out of his thoughts as the woman mumbled something in her sleep and turned over and away from him. He looked into her sleeping face and wished he could somehow telepathically make everything right with her again. "If only there was some way I could talk with her while we are sleeping," Damien thought to himself, "maybe I could tell her everything I feel and think and she would be able to understand exactly what I mean." How he ached to reach over and hug her tightly to himself and nuzzle his face into the crook of her shoulder where he knew he felt safest and most comfortable with her. As he looked upon her sleeping form, he realized with a start that he truly feared not having her by his side, that he feared facing life without Her. To not have her there to tell him that she Loved him and that everything would be all right, scared him to Death! To not have her support and well-wishing made him feel empty and cold, and like a little lost and frightened child. His last conscious thought before drifting off into the realm of sleep and dreams of Her was one simple thought- How much he truly Loved this woman sleeping beside him that he could no longer touch... And with that, he fell into a fitful sleep. The next morning, after a night of fragmented, torturous dreams of the woman beside him, he awoke feeling groggy, almost like he had a hangover, though he had not been drinking the night before. He quietly slipped out of the bed so as to not disturb his sleeping Goddess, and slowly began to get dressed. When he finished, he stood for a few moments gazing at her sleeping form in the light of the early morning. He silently thanked God for being able to sleep next to her once more, then made his way quietly from the bedroom to the kitchen to make some coffee and start the day. Oh what he would give for things to be different. He would give anything in order for Her and himself to go back to the way they were when she was still happy with him, when she still wanted to Marry Damien.

Part V Chapter XI Pink Bunnies and Peanut Brittle Damien had not really wanted to go to the meeting with Doctor ________ because of a gut feeling he had, and from the discussions he and Lawrence had previously had. So, he had brought the .38 caliber handgun with him that Lawrence had provided for Damien's own safety. They had discussed all sorts of possibilities for the outcome of today's meeting. From what Damien and Lawrence had been able to find out about what Linda Vaughn and Tommy DeLucas were planning, they had been able to come up with a strategy to counter, if not entirely neutralize their plan. Lawrence had found some interesting bits of information from his discussion with Roy Johnson about something overheard by Roy while Tommy and Linda had been sitting in the next booth over at the CoffeeHouse one night. He had overheard them discussing Where Tommy would be waiting and How Linda was going to get "Him", meaning Damien, Roy thought, to the CoffeeHouse to "Take Care of Him Once and For All." He had also heard mention of the Doctor Damien would be meeting that day and he also heard mention of a Sniper Rifle. So, with this new information, Lawrence had given Damien a Silver .38 handgun and a Kevlar vest to wear to protect Damien from any such attacks. Now they just had to figure out exactly Where they would be hiding, and time was running out fast. Damien was supposed to meet with the Doctor in less than two hours, and Lawrence was frantically checking all surrounding buildings in the area with a clear enough shot at the CoffeeHouse. Roy Johnson was helping by climbing to the roof of the CoffeeHouse with a pair of Binoculars to scan the lower buildings in the area in hopes of locating Tommy DeLucas before something bad could happen. He had scanned all the rooftops of the lower buildings twice and was about to give up when he noticed something out of the ordinary on the roof of the Loft Building about a block and a half north-west of the CoffeeHouse. Barely concealed by the rim of the building was a plastic cup that the CoffeeHouse ordinarilly used for their Iced Latte's and other cold drinks they made. The Cup itself gave Roy a jolt because it looked so out of place up there, but what Really got his attention was the hand resting almost out of sight near the cup. And also near at hand was the barrel of a .7 mm rifle with a scope. Trying to calm the excitement and the relief he felt, Roy reached for his cell phone and with a shaking hand quickly dialed Lawrence's Cell phone number to pass the information on to him so they could nab Tommy before he caused any trouble. At first, Roy didn't know what to make of the persistant buzzing noise he heard coming through his phone, but then he realized what he was hearing- A Busy Signal! The Cell Phone Momento Lawrence had been checking all the surrounding buildings when his phone rang. Startled by the sudden invasion of his thoughts, he reached in his pocket and pulled his Nokia Cell Phone out and said, "Hello?" "Lawrence, how have you been doing lately?" the female voice said to him. Lawrence was startled at this voice calling, especially of all times, now. He instantly recognized the voice to be none other than Damien's ex-GirlFriend, Julia Lorreanna. "How are you Doing Julia?" he replied to her, "I've been pretty good considering all that's been happening lately." "Well that's good to hear," Julia said. "Listen, I wanted to ask you something about Damien and some rumours I've been hearing going around. Is that okay with you, Lawrence?" she asked. "Sure, Julia," Lawrence replied, "What's on your mind?" After a moment of hesitation, Julia began, "Well, I've been hearing some pretty messed up stuff about someone supposedly wanting to Kill Damien and I'm kinda worried about him. I mean, even though he and I are no longer together, I still Love him and care about him a great deal, you know what I mean, Lawrence?" “Yes,” Lawrence replied, knowing exactly how she felt as he felt his own heart ache for the loss of his fiancée, Lisa. “I know what you mean Julia. And yes, what you’ve been hearing is so true. We even know Who it is that wants to do this.” “Who is it?” Julia asked. “If there is anything I can do to help, just let me know and I will,” she said. “Well, we know that it’s Tommy DeLucas and Linda Vaughn,” he said as he heard Julia gasp on the other end of the line. “For right now, there’s not a whole lot you can do right now, and we haven’t got much time left to figure out where they are at so we can stop them, but if you want, I’ll call you and keep you posted as I know more, okay, Julia?,” he asked her. “Well,” Julia sighed, “Okay, but please let me know if anything happens. Promise me you’ll do that Lawrence?” “I Promise, Julia, okay? Now I have to get going now in case Roy or Damien call, okay?” he said. “Okay, thanks a lot Lawrence,” and with that she hung up. Pondering over the phone call, Lawrence went back to trying to find Tommy DeLucas. He was baffled that she had called him with that information at this particular time and sounding so worried. As he was thinking on this, he was unnerved as his phone once again broke in on his reverie. Pulling his phone out of his pocket one more time, Lawrence said “Hello.” “Lawrence, it’s Roy, I’ve found Tommy. Where are you at?” Roy asked hurriedly. “I’m on the corner of 5th and Centre, by the Logicon building. Why?” Lawrence asked. “He’s on top of the Loft building,” Roy said. “It’s right on the corner of 5th and Mesa. He’s just a block away from you. Get over there and I’ll meet you there.” And with that, the phone went dead in Lawrence’s hand. With his heart starting to race, Lawrence put his phone back in his pocket and started to make his way past the Courthouse up towards the Loft building. Hopefully they would be able to reach Tommy before he could get a bead on Damien. Lawrence prayed they had enough time left. Damien would be meeting with the Doctor in less than five minutes. It was now 12:56 p.m. As Damien was walking to the Coffeehouse, he was startled to see a Crow flying right above his head, cawing loudly. Immediately, his mind remembered his gut feeling of earlier, and he started to cautiously and carefully check his surroundings for any threats. The gnawing feeling he kept feeling inside kept him at his most heightened sense of awareness, checking everything and rechecking it in a split second. The closer he got to the Coffeehouse, the worse his gut feeling became. He looked up and thanked the Crow for it’s guidance and kept on to the Coffeehouse. He stopped momentarily at Union War Surplus to say hello to some of his friends who worked there, which was exactly halfway down the block to the Coffeehouse. It was 12:58 p.m. and it was now time to meet with the Doctor. With much trepidation, Damien continued onto the Coffeehouse. Repetitive Patterned Journies It seemed now that the Man With No Soul’s journies through life were becoming evermore redundant, the same patterns repeating over and over again. Everything he was doing seemed to have happened to him before. As he looked to the skies to heed the forthcoming warnings of impending disasters, he still did nothing to change his path through destiny. To change Destiny would mean certain destruction of the precarious balance of His Reality. May 21, 2003 This is the day Damien decides a lot of things are going to change for the better. Today he sits in the Terminal at Ontario International Airport bound for destinations unknown, even to himself. All he knows is that what lies ahead can only be good; both for him and everyone else around him. It just Has to be good after all of the shit he’s been through all the years of Hell that had been his life thus far. Up until this point, Damien had started to believe that his Life would eternally turn to shit, no matter how hard He tried to make it otherwise. Never before had He felt an actual glimmer of Hope like Today felt. It was an almost overwhelming giddiness, an almost electrical like charge, tingling all over his body. From head to toe, he felt ready for almost anything, including Death. He pretty much would have welcomed Death with open arms, given his current state of mind. It all just felt… Different for a change, Finally. July 03, 2003 I can still see the flash of the muzzle from the .38 pistol going off in my mind… Why he had wanted to shoot me in the first place still plagues me. Why is it always Stoopid shit that makes people do such things as this makes no sense to me. I can still feel where the bullet entered the base of my skull right behind my right ear. It’s a curious feeling watching yourself die, seeing your body falling, then twitching on the ground, just KNOWING you moments from being Dead… Game Over, Three Strikes and Yer Ass is OUT! Let me tell you, it is not a nice feeling at all! Gawd, it’s a very sickening feeling. The Shaking, twitching feeling alone is enough to make you Want to Die just to avoid feeling it. I remember the song “Patience” by Guns N’ Roses playing in the background as I fell into that Deep, dark final sleep. And go figure, I was shot over some music CD’s I had just been given. Oh, What a World!… December 18, 2003 Fear And Loathing In San Bernardino Have you ever gotten that feeling like you are heading for disaster before? And what’s worse is that the disaster has happened before and you are seeing almost all the same warning signs as before, foretelling exactly what is going to happen. And it’s probably going to happen in almost the exact same way it did before, even though you have done absolutely everything different so as to avoid just such a situation, but here it is, heading right for you? It’s not exactly something you can just stand up and say, “Whoa, Time Out, No Fair!” about now, is it? But that’s just what seems to be happening to Damien right now. After trying to do everything different so as not to get hurt in the exact same ways he has before, here he sits faced with an almost exact duplicate of events and situations that he has been through before. And now Damien is faced with whether or not he should say something to those involved, but he’s not exactly sure how he should present this to them so as not to get himself locked up or something… “Ah, excuse me, I just wanted to let you know that I have been through this exact scenario before, not with you, but someone else, but see, I would like to ask you not to say or do these certain things because this situation will end up like so, so please don’t do those things, Thank You!” Yeah Right! Like that would really go over with someone. Heh. But yet the feelings and emotions are there, and they are the same as before. How do you get out of a predicament like that? Private Rooms Of The Mind Rented By The Hour Well, I need a private place to put my thoughts down so I can ponder whether or not to actually share them. But anymore, I do not know if it is even possible anymore. I wish I still had a Lockbox to keep a private journal in but alas, I do not have those, so I guess I will risk it in my own book, which is where a lot of thoughts like these have ended up, under the guise of some characters thoughts and actions. It is quite amusing to see something painful turned into something that happened to someone else for a reason. See, in my life, the painful stuff that happens to me seems to Never have any rhyme or reason whatsoever. It just Happens. Sometimes I wonder to myself how much longer my body mind and soul will be able to take all of this shit that keeps happening to me. I mean, there has to be a point where eventually something breaks, when something will blow like a fuse and then you are Gone. I feel I must have reached that point so many times in the past but I’m still here. Even recently, there have been moments when I have closed my eyes, hoping and praying that they would never open again, only to open my eyes and find that I am still here and I am Definitely Still feeling the Pain. There have been a couple of times here where I’ve gotten some weird feeling that all is not exactly how it seems or is supposed to be. Why I get these feelings and thoughts I do not know, but I would like to know. And if these thoughts and feelings do turn out to be true, it would nullify the entire existence of what I thought and felt and believed to be true. I hate doubt because you never can tell, and you usually find out in hindsight that your supposed “Hunch” was true. And that there is kinda like adding insult to injury. Why is it that, even after you’ve told someone that it’s okay for them to talk to you if they have a problem with you or something, they never tell you or say anything. But yet you can totally feel the vibe that something IS wrong, that something is really bugging them? It makes you feel very uncomfortable and leaves you wondering what exactly it is that You have done to cause this and leaves you with that evil, torturous maddening, creepy-crawling feeling of that evil little bastard- DOUBT! Self-doubt… Evil!!! December 19, 2003 I do not know exactly why, but I feel that this is all wrong. I am sitting here worried about her and what she may or may not be doing right now. I think it might be left over from previous girlfriends and things they have done to me, but you’d think by now I’d either be used to it and numb or something. Maybe it’s just because I really do Actually care about her so much that I sit here worrying so damned much about her. It’s not that I don’t trust her, but with the whole of “minor incidences”, it has my mind nagging at me, questioning what is real and true and what is not. And what sucks the most is that I hate feeling and thinking like this at all about her. But yet, I still lay and sit here listening, watching, waiting till I know she is back home safely and unharmed. As I sit smoking these cigarette butts Surely you believe that I have gone nuts But let me assure you, that in my worry They help keep me from going into a fury These thoughts in my head will never stop They incessantly plague me even after I drop December 25, 2003 Well, the hunch, or “feeling” that I had turned out to be more than true, and worse than I had feared. This is so damned painful. I found out two days before Christmas that she was breaking up with me, and had already made the decision to move out of here, out of the city, out of the state, with none other than her ex-boyfriend. And to make matters worse, she had gotten back with him while I had been laying here worrying about her, crying myself to sleep at night wondering if she was still even alive, much less in one piece. So she says she is leaving with him because she finds it hard to take living around here because everywhere she looks, she is reminded of her Father and it hurts. That, I can understand. What I can’t understand is that supposedly they are going to go into therapy and Rehab together? I guess I am just chopped liver and non-existent because she wouldn’t even come to me and talk about what was bugging her. She didn’t even ask for my help, and that is one thing I thought I had made abundantly clear to her was that if she ever needed something, I am here to help her and support her as best as I can with whatever she needed. I guess she didn’t understand me. She first said, also, that this was happening because of something wrong with her, and not something I had or had not done. Then, all of the sudden, she is saying that it’s because I never really tried to get to know her and what makes her happy… Huh? I think I missed something in the translation or something because now I am totally lost, heart broken, and feeling used and that I have been taken advantage of and walked all over. Christmas will never be the same again, and of course, it is raining today, which is the first time it has rained on Christmas day since like 1983 or something. Go figure, huh? Not only do I feel like I’ve lost my best friend, lover and Partner in crime. I also feel that I’ve lost my heart and soul. And to me, that is the worst feeling. I do not know how much more I can take. I know that I am still in shock from this because right now I’m almost numb. The grief has yet to come, and until she actually leaves, it will be hard to grieve because I’ll trick myself into believing there might still be a chance of her staying because her stuff is still here and I keep seeing her. But alas, it has only been 2 days, and knowing Her and how cold and calculating Scorpio’s can be, there is a chance she will disappear from my life in an instant, like she did before when she moved in with Daan and I had to come “Rescue” her. I was under the impression that I was doing fairly well with keeping her happy, but Boy was I fucking mistaken and ignorant about that, now wasn’t I?

Chapter 10 - Part 4

Part IV Chapter X Walking, forever, Never, Ever more Slowly trudging this lonely floor Knowing now how to even the score Smiling upon you as I open the door Unto tomorrow, as I look forward now Towards another day as I'm learning how To keep it all in perspective like the Tao An ode to yore, forever more upon the brow Damien: Can we really live inside our own heads? All alone, are we truly alone in our own heads? What are we turning into nowadays? Which way do we go from here? Are we the little people, or are we the little peoples game? If we are, what should we do with the knowledge of BEING? January 07, 2003 Missed opportunities abound in our trips through Life's Trials and Tribulations. Writing on a bus is SO hard to do. Perhaps you better start from the Beginning... Yes, indeed, start from the beginning... In the beginning, Damien had lived through hardship and pain, to it's utmost degree... and all through his life, that seemed to be all he ever would see. Hardship and pain.... Everywhere he went, everywhere he looked... that was all he would ever see. When the Seed Of Never was freed by his birth, he somehow knew about it. But so did his best friend, Tommy DeLucas. When it became clear that Damien was the Key to Never, Tommy started working on his plan to eliminate the Seed Of Never from the Universe. Tommy wanted nothing more than the Total Annihilation of the Seed Of Never. He would stop at nothing to rid himself and the world of this Blasphemous Mutation of Normal thought. Tommy DeLucas conferred with Linda Vaughn on how to accomplish this feat many a night. He picked her brain about Damien and how he thought and worked. He even tried to become Damien in a fashion. Eventually he was the main factor in the Deconstruction of Linda. The time Damien and Linda had spent together was both a learning benefit and the eventual Death of Damien. The things she knew about Damien were what eventually led to the demise of Damien. She helped to destroy the one man she had truly loved. No matter that Damien had loved and cherished Julia more than life itself, she had helped to destroy all that Damien and Julia had together. Her word had destroyed Life itself for Damien. She had decided Damien's fate... The day Tommy and Linda decided to destroy Damien was an interesting day in it's own right. Linda had let Tommy tie her up and have sex with her, just to spite Damien and piss him off to the point where he might break. They both knew all of Damien's weakness' and what would kill him, so they decided the best way to get to him was to take what he loved most from him... HER! Tommy had always lusted after Julia since they had first met. Through all of the time that Tommy knew Damien, he knew that Damien cherished Julia more than life itself. So, Linda and Tommy developed the plan that would forever break Damien because they were jealous of all that he had... Julia, the Gift of Sight, and all that goodness that Damien stood for, they would try to forever take it away from him. Thus was how the plan developed... Just a way to totally destroy Damien so he would not interfere with what Tommy and Linda wanted... A way to put him out of their way so that they could do what they wanted and not have to worry about Damien bringing Reality to their doorstep. Such is the game with "Supposed" friends in life... Such Love, huh? So when they started their plan, Damien was already in a mess with Julia as it was. He loved her with all of his heart and she would no longer have anything to do with him... She had run off with someone who made his Drinking problem seem more Social than anything.... not to mention she decided to run off with the local drug dealer just so she could get her fix... The perpetual 'Chasing Of The Bag' if you will... 'I'm gonna go out with him cuz he's got the drugs' routine. And it pained and eventually killed Damien to see Julia pursue this. He loved her to death, and she was the Death of him... Julia and Linda were what killed Damien... He was already DEAD when he died on the day Tommy and Linda finished their plan... He was completely DEAD to the world by then. It didn't matter what happened after Julia left Damien.... He was already Dead... You can't kill something that's already dead, goddamnit. So when it all came down and the shit hit the fan, Damien knew exactly who had done it. January 12, 2003 Trying to make people feel sorry for you for your own faults will only cause resentment to grow amongst people. It is not their fault that you do not specify what is to be done in the first place. Then, when you make a big deal and a bunch of noise because you do not get your way doesn’t work either. It will only make things worse and the resentment to grow that much worse. When will we finally be released from this prison of madness we are confined in within our time of existence? When will we find out why we have to endure this pointlessness of angering ignorance? If I knew that, I would probably not be here writing all this down for you to read. Hereto unto this point, the depression has been held at bay by the simple fact that it has been ignored. But now it is beginning to creep back into its accustomed spot, nestling gently back to its former position in that crook of the brain that it enjoys gnawing on. Grasping at the tendrils of the synapses that promote the growth of Self-Loathing, hatred, and jealousy stamping out any evidence of a once loving soul. It begins its antics anew, strangling the life out of any hopes and dreams that were once cherished over any ideas of Hatred and Hostility. What was once Hope and Love is now turned to Hate and Violence. Any hope of beginning to understand where this all comes from is destroyed by the anguish and suffering it causes. It is completely obliterated by the fact that all hope is lost and you just want to literally disappear and be No More, to be Gone, to just float away into Nothingness, to just curl up and die. You just want to curl up and Die inside yourself. Facing the world another day is inconceivable after the depression sinks it teeth into you. You can never fully recover after a run with Depression in his World. These moments of remembered memories are shear anguish that grate upon the soul like fingernails on a chalkboard of the mind. Trying to forget it all is the main goal of my life, but all conspire to keep me in remembrance of all of that which is wrong and bad within me. February 14, 2003 The corrosion of the mind’s psyche is evident within all of our souls. When we look at the boot camp that our current generations psyche has endured, we can see why our minds are becoming numb to all of the violence that occurs daily. Almost everyday our minds are subjected to the purest levels of violence and we just sit back and laugh and say, “Oh, that was cool!” Violence has truly become entertainment. Even the Wars we face nowadays are considered entertainment. Some of my generation has resorted to hallucinogens to escape the realities we have to face day-to-day. Kind of like “Just wake me up when it’s over!” March 15, 2003 It's no wonder that most of us can't even remember our dreams, much less all of the various threads that it takes up during the course of an evening, because that's just it. It takes on so many different storylines that it just eventually becomes so damned confusing. Many Doctors and psychiatrists have looked into dreams and how they affect us and our perception of Life and Reality, to no avail. None have even come close to even beginning to unravel the mystery of the mind. But there was one doctor in particular who discovered ancient relics that would help one to remember and control the dreams one had at least to the point where the common thread in the dreams could be remembered. These relics, or talismans, were eventually dated back to Ancient Sumerian times. These talismans were supposed to be very powerful over the sub-conscious of humans, and thought to be entirely lost to the civilized world. But not so to Doctor ________, whom had actually found that there were actually quite a few of these talismans left in existence, and one here in Los Angeles, California, which he, himself, possessed. And that was what brought the Doctor here to meet with Damien LaRouche. Both had much experience with the study of Ancient Sumerian Artifacts and with Dreams and Sub-Conscious matters in general. Over his years of study, the Doctor had found that only a few people can actually control their dreams with no help from anything or anyone else. And Damien was one of these few people that he had read of that could do this. The Doctors interest in Damien was that of Learning. How was it that this mere mortal could control his dreams and learn from them and make them do what he wanted? How was it that he could prosper from them? Well, in Damien’s case, it was pure luck, or more like, Pure Chance. He could, and did work his dreams for himself. He could do what he wanted, when he wanted in his dreams. So now, the plan was in action. Tommy DeLucas and Linda Vaughn had decided that all this rhetoric with Damien had gone too far. He was starting to hurt people with his power and they knew that it was time for Damien to be eliminated from the whole scheme of things. They had to do something to stop him from hurting anyone else like he had supposedly hurt them. It was time for Damien to Die. There was no further use for him according to their plans now. It was time to take care of business. In order to take care of this, they were waiting for his meeting with the Doctor to pull the plan off. To do this, they had planned out what would happen when the Doctor came to town to meet with Damien. That was when they would do it. When Damien showed up to meet with the Doctor, they would eliminate him. Sitting up in the Loft one block away from the Coffee House, Tommy prepared himself for what had to be done. When he got the phone call from Linda, he was ready. Never mind that Damien was one of his Best Friends, what had to be done, had to be done. And He would be the one that did it. March 20, 2003 So why is it that a lot of us keep on with such a total annihilation of Self? Pushing our minds and our bodies to and Beyond the limits we are intended NEVER to Cross. Slowly or quickly, we are trying to destroy our mind and body by any means necessary. What pain is it that we are trying to bury with Drugs and Alcohol or any other demented means at hand? Are we that unhappy with Life or Does Life Really Suck That Much? Or is there some Deeper meaning that most of us have overlooked or missed entirely? What is IT that causes a person to just Cease to be able to Function normally in Society, to just 'Give Up'? What causes the mind to throw in the towel for us without first consenting with us if that's okay or not with us? Maybe the Smog we breath has something to do with it, or maybe it's just the Greenhouse Effect getting worse and boiling our brains? Or maybe it's just that sometimes, some people realize they have outlived their usefulness to Society and just Cease BEING? Hmmm.... I wonder... And as the world rolls by, we ponder yet another way to kill ourselves off... 'How do you want to Die Tonight, Brain???' 'Same way we always do, Pinky, Thinking ourselves OFF the World!!!' By the way, I left Reality All alone to play with his Bestest Friend, UN-REALITY (Altered Reality?). Eventually we end up on the Road with just a backpack full of clothes and a really good book, all by our lonesome, out to find out how FUCT the World Really is, wandering aimlessly with no home, no Love, and No Place and No One to call our own. Or maybe it's only ME? Some of us are Unfit to exist and some of us just Exist. And some of us just ARE... I am only here to record all the pain of the World or so it seems. That's pretty much all I've ever been good at is Pain. The Walker, The Scribe, The Jester...Gesture, Gesticulate...? The World is Uneven where I exist. Everything is out of Whack, oblong or just Off-Kilter, out of alignment with the rest of the World. I hear a rat-a-tap-tapping at the door of my Un-Reality's reasoning. Is that Reality come to take back what was taken so very long ago? Cloudy Surveillance with a Forecast for Hazy Imaginings, the Outlook is Grim for Those who Cannot See. I wish I knew why I just don't want to do anything at all anymore. It would help so much to know the Reason I keep myself from doing a damn thing at all! PROD DAMNIT...Since I've decided to throw/turn my life around, I'm falling up and throwing down. He’s Got Bacardi Lip, Prod Damnit! Secret yearnings unknown wants in life. I want a woman with her own, on her own. Tell me what's really on your mind. Tell me where it is you go when you want to get away from it all. What is your Safety net when you fall? Who helps you when you fall and can't get to the top on your own? Do you look at the personals when you want a partner in Crime? ATOMIC DAWG Unbeknownst to Reality, I come forth to bring Reality to everyone's Front Door. Can you feel me Scream Out In AGONY for DUMB EUROPE? What I feel is not Mine. I feel like I'm falling apart from the inside out. Not from the Seams or the joining edges, but from the Core itself... WHATWEDOINGHERENOW ASYOUAREORWEREAGAIN TAKEAWATCHINGLOOKAT ASHOWSTOPPERCORK ABOUTESCAPADESONICE ANDYSTRANGESUMMER TIMEDICKFILLINGTHEVOID ORDERINGBEERSALLNIGHT MEACULPAONEACTONE DRINKTWOWOMEN SOMEONESIDE INSECURESTORY ANDHASNOBYLINE CLUESPEAKING BACKWARDS IOWANEBRASKACHICKS HONESTLIE PATHETICPSYCHOTIC IMBROKENFIXME IMPRESSEDPEACOCKS THATLLCOSTYA LITTLEPINKYEAH STOOPIDITYCENTERED CHACRACKKILLS Mindless psychobabble of Neurosis Psychosis, Cuntasaurus Rexis perplex us. Twenty-Seven Arms and Twenty Eight legs but he's got JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS. Perfectionism in itself is Imperfection. Angry voices throw dust into my field of vision and never say why~! When Death or Insanity open the door for You, what are you gonna do? This is No Kind Of Life! Witticism of The Mind's Eye. Mundane Redundancies boggle the mind. This town's already a ghost town. I'm getting calluses from writing so much bull shit. Jennifer Love Hewitt with black hair reminds me of a Lovely Raven... We are all living a Hollow Life. This place is not even ours to begin with... You'll never take me. Sardines in a sea of concrete called JUNGLE-Fucking JINGLE FUCKIN BELLS, MOTHER FUCKER! Let's Try this one more time- I will make it go away- You can't be here no more... Wake up Hatred and see what Happens... Is it any wonder that Society is the way it is? GHETTO-NINJA! Fix My problems with a blade. You're CRUSHING my SOUL! Help, Help, My head is Caught in Your Throat! Vegas is a wonderful place to lose your soul if that's the kind of thing You're into, but otherwise you can't hide your Lying eyes from me... Notice how television always sucks your attention into it while you're having a conversation with someone? It's the ultimate in Easy Hypnosis. The Long awaited SILENCE of the Soul is exquisite and peaceful. I can't wait for that peace and quiet that comes when you reach the pinnacle of awareness. When you finally awaken to the full POTENTIAL of you grace and Beauty!.

Swing Set Of Your Soul Trying to get back into the swing of things after such shocking changes in life can be very difficult to handle especially if there was a Lot of change. I am finding it very difficult because the change was actually a lot of Big Changes; one change after another after another. And all of these changes were so drastic and so close together, that the changes were not given any chance to be acknowledged and learned from. Right now, I still cannot see the benefit of many of these changes. I do not see how losing everything and everyone of any importance to me helped in any way except how everyone says that it gives me a chance to start fresh and new... Start Fresh and New? What the fuck kind of shit is that? I was quite HAPPY with what I had and whom I had for friends. I miss it actually... How the fuck is losing everything important to me gonna help me start fucking fresh and fucking NEW? Tell ME THAT... Please.!!!! Well, I'm starting fresh and new all right, but every time I write down what I used to do for work, the past comes back to haunt me making it VERY fucking difficult to start ANEW. MOTHER FACKOS! I feel Stuck here with no place left to go from here, and I'm not able to get a good enough job to get anywhere anytime soon because of my Past. So much for starting Fresh and FUCKING NEW, BASTARDS!!!! Hmmmmmm????? December 16, 2002 Sleeping on Beds that are actually Portals to other Universes that are wedged away in the outside bathroom of my Grandmother's house. Little evil Mech Droids that look like your Kitty Kat outside the door that crawl up from the portal, and they won't die by any normal means and they keep coming back to life with such pure evil avarice that’s so damned spooky. Dreams From the Seed Of Never, borne from the Caverns of Mount Nod. The Fairaes live in 'Slow/Sloe Time' and are Kin to the Crows. A fight with the Mother about what I'm not quite sure, living with the Grandparents find clothes that are not mine in a bedroom that is not mine, but yet the clothes are mine... Weird visions of that Land Of Never... Where am I? Who Am I?... I can't put this all together now, but I know there is an answer that lies beyond that closet door in that bedroom that is but is not mine. The Evil Mech Droids discovered in a battle with creatures who appear human but they are not in a field of hills and darkness. Taunting and maiming as they go about the Eternal night. Disjointed visions into The Land Of Never... that place that IS but IS Not Is. The Place where never ever forever never more exists forever, never more, ever. Forever. Suffer from the Mass of Hypnosis put forth by the Great Mind Controller of All...Television. December 21, 2002 Never drive a woman nuts, especially your Best Friend, especially one you're going to spend All of Eternity with. That old house where it happened was grim. Some lived in the basement, and some lived without and only changed when they came within the grasp and reach of the House's power. What was upstairs was shocking to find, and see what you see while in the pool was astounding. How the house would change as we neared the completion of the spell was amazing, as if it existed within it's own Bubble of Time, outside of Reality, was quite a trip. The sliding cage doors in the kitchen where none had existed before was what finally caught us within that bubble of madness, to Never, Ever escape again. Be careful what you dream of... it just may come True... December 24, 2002 To Chani: The Powerful feeling that is you And all the wonderful things you do To help me see and truly believe in Those moments of beauty when I'm within The Embrace of the Warmth of your heart I miss so much when we are apart What it is you do to me Is nothing more than Learning to BE One with the world and who we are Is what will help us to go so far Into the Future we go forth holding hands As we look towards our future Plans What I see when I look into your eyes Is a beautiful Soul roaming endless skies Be an Angel from above, you surely must You instill in me a feel of absolute trust I'm thankful for all of the time we share When you share with me all the time you can spare. December 25, 2002 The odd pressure of the Christmas Season is stifling at times, sometimes even Suffocating. The differences in opinions is ridiculous at times to the point where its beyond Comedy; it becomes a tragedy of sorts because everyone feels that their opinion is always right, even if they are wrong! And good luck trying to point out that they are wrong. They will practically bite your head off or talk it off trying to justify that they ARE indeed right and you are Dead Wrong. Just watch any Dysfunctional Family gathering to see this point proven over and over again. I'm sure you have a family such as this yourself. It seems to be the latest fad anymore, to be Dysfunctional. Try it and see what I mean. What is it that makes people feel they have to show off and one-up everybody around them? IS it some form of the Dis-Ease that makes them want to put all around them to shame at someone else's expense? To degrade others for their amusement is CHIC nowadays. It's fashionable to make others feel miniscule even if it is very Hurtful. These types of people make me SIC! And what's really sad is that Everyone is Doing IT! EVERYONE! This whole Society is so SIC and Twisted and Bent on Destruction that it revels in the sickness. They thrive on it and look forward to it like a junky looks forward to his next fix. It's a sad state of affairs these days. January 12, 2003 Damien: A descent into the Maelstrom of remembrance is a journey into the heart of our very existence. Seeing the actual center of what is US in our True Realities and our true surroundings can not be handled by most people. When you can see how your actual surroundings actually affect us and our responses to these events, we often shy away from the true realities of how we act sometimes. We can not stand the Realities and the consequences of our actions, so thus we choose to ignore them, and pretend that they do not exist at all; even when we are confronted with the absolute fact that we sometimes act like ABSOLUTE ASSHOLES.

Chapter 9 -

PART III Chapter IX Damien LaRouche: I miss you more and More each day An emptiness so vast that I hold within Your voice haunts me with every word I say Everywhere I look I see your ghost again.... The New World Order Welcome to the New World Order As we go about our lives pretending Pretending nothings wrong while We're surrounded by disorder Chaos Lurking around every twist and bend As terror seeps into our very breath Lead by a Court Jester with War as his growing Trend A Slap in the face, 9/11 birthed disgrace Watch in horror as freedom collapsed that day The Unreality of it all as the wound reveals the fierce new face Faith Collapsing as a bond is forged Hands now clasped together, We're one Destroy the Terror, the hammer falls hard Fuck You Bin Laden, Your time has finally come. Damien: I need a little room to play in so I don't get claustrophobic. One all by my lonesome. Everything that is said is only said to fill the Void inside of our heads. The wounds of my mind will not heal and stay gaping open and loose, for all passing debris to pull itself apart within the growing confines of the wound. Tommy DeLucas: Pick some flowers to put on my headstone when the time comes to put on the final act. When the show is over, dust me off and pick up the pieces, but don't try to put me back together again, because I'll have probably moved on to something better by then. Put the pieces in the fire and turn them to ashes, then put them in a sky-writing plane and write my name in the sky for my Last Good-Bye. Prophet: If you watch closely, you can see the crows flock around and Protect Him as he goes about his day. Everywhere He goes, they follow Him discreetly in the background. Always, in the background, they handle all of the necessary business that needs to be attended to and taken care of. That way He is free to Document all that is needed for the Scribes' sake. That way he is also left free for when the Fairae Goddess returns to reclaim Her Lost Love. MISS UNDERSTOOD STOPPED BY When She returns to Her rightful place at His side, all will be returned to Normal and all the pieces will again be in place. FREE BLAST- I GOT A HYSTERECTOMY. Did you do this because of me? Just Shut Up, I AM a Man... Damien: I had to fall to lose it all in order to learn how to live. Before then, I was crawling in my skin and not sure of who I was or even Why I was here. It took so long to figure out why, but now that I know, I'm very afraid of what will happen next. No One Ever Sees the Tears of a Clown's Lying Eyes... Listening to the Universe converse with itself in the confines of a small, disregarded Yellow Sun on the Western Spiral Arm of the Milky Way Galaxy can be amusing. All the little quips and quirks as it continues on its journey into Nothingness with no idea Why, penetrate into the darkness with all the Light and Beauty of its essence is awesome, though. A lot of things go unnoticed in Life by the inhabitants of this little planet, everyday. Because of this, the build up of Lost Karma leaves an abundance that is yet untapped and there for the taking by the 'Right' people who know how to harness and utilize this power to the benefit of the Universe. The chosen Few who are aware, KNOW! To Know is to be Awake and See all for what it is and WHY, and are willing to Share what IT is with ALL. Knowing what ALL IS, is to hold the key to Eternity and be able to free Love from its Bondage of Soul. The chains that bound Her are of a nature that is Un-Reality. Those ties can only be broken when Purity is returned to its Innocence of Mind and Body. The only way to return to the Start is to Begin Again, Start Fresh and New. Brand New like the New Born Baby. ReBIRTH. Only then will we be able to rebuild the Foundation Right. Once we have cleared away all the impurities will we be able to begin anew on this experiment gone awry on this world. SIN (pronounced sine), what is that all about anyways? Negative connotations of what we are really all about, and Why. Where we are is called HERE and why we are here is called LEARN. That and the promotion of Happiness and Joy in the Universe. Bent and forgotten are those without these things in Life. And Everyday more and more are left behind to be lost amongst the tumult of Chaos and Disorder. Those Like I once was and like You once were too. Don't Deny it, Never Forget Where You came from, be Proud of it. It's what makes You, YOU. TURN OFF THE T.V.!!! I have a quote that fits me perfectly for who and what I am: J.A.F.O. What does that mean, you may be asking right now? I'll tell you...: Just Another Fucking Observer Period! Nuff said, because that's All I ever am and ever do. I watch the All and everything from beginning to end, start to finish. That's why we must all restart. We all must re-begin, start again, Reboot... Ah, shit, now we straight brought our the computer bullshit, so we might as well talk about that whole Binary thang again... Zero and One are the Beginning and End... Alpha and Omega... When you turn into something Real and Worthy of Serendipity's Secret then come see me, but until then... DON'T There's just something that stands out about US to those Like US that draws Us to Us, you follow what I mean? I have a funny feeling that I'll ALWAYS be the King of Pain. I'm here to Suffer for Eternity for the ALL. Elf or Fairae, You decide, She's still not Here and Now! To quote U2, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for." I mean, I have found it but its still not mine, but at least I recognize that it was Never Mine to begin with. To begin with, PAY ATTENTION and stay out of my world because you are non-existence in mine. Bacardi 151 and the Last Coors Light in the joint, TOGO! I'm pissed off because I had too many distractions and imbeciles fucking up my Chi! "This is NOT Averill Park!" Jess- Porthole November 02, 2002 Men with suitcases and backpacks for God only knows what walk around town looking for Someplace to happen, commit murder by Numbers for the Dis-Ease. They carry the sickness around bearing the weight of years of harboring resentments from years and bully's gone by. To be able to climb the Pyramids of the Ancients into the Future, we must let go of all of those past resentment, because that’s where they belong: In The Past! Learn from them, then let them Be. Leave them in the past so they can't kill us, only help to make us stronger. Haven't we strived all our lives to be Stronger? Everything is Relative to Where you stand in regards to your perspective or Point of View. November 03, 2002 Clowns on Roller Blades with Aah-Ooh-Ga horns rollin up to the Coffee House amongst the Weirdos of Open-Mic Night. Knowing the Locals and running Away because we Know them and Who they Really Are! The idea of the correlation between music and good games and good things in general is not an uncommon thing between Like Souls not to mention, Good Energy! November 4, 2002 "I'm feeling way too Normal tonight, almost Real, Too real for this place and Time. God forbid we are too normal to perform our function here on this Ball of Mud we are hurtling around the Universe on." "I've got Bacardi Lip, Prod Damnit! Since I've decided to turn my life around, I'm falling Up and Throwing Down." Owen Tirre, from Sacred Grounds Coffeehouse in San Pedro, California. "My attorney has gone on a permanent vacation and won't be back from the Edge of Insanity until next Tuesday. So when he does get back, I'll give you a call and have our Pagers do Lunch with the Cell Phones of the Lying Eyes." "Yes, my eyes and mind are lying to me again and not telling me what I need to know to get by the crowds of people clogging the arteries of my surroundings. I get real claustrophobic when they Lie to me about what’s really going on around me. It's almost too much to Bear that makes me a Bear who Doesn't Shit in the Woods. Make up for it with trivialities of the Minds Lying Eyes... November 04, 2002 Knowing your limits is definitely a good thing to know so you never overstep your boundaries and cross that fine line between a Good Time and being an Asshole. So many times we see people cross that line and see them the next day, shaking their heads wondering exactly What happened last night, asking everyone to help them reconstruct exactly how much of an ass they made of themselves. Knowing what actions cause certain reactions is definitely a good thing. Just look at the 200 car pile up on the Southbound 710 freeway off of Del Amo Blvd. yesterday. Low visibility, poor driving skills and High Speeds in the rain is what did it all in in the end. what brings them, the loonies, down here to our town to hang with us? what draws them to us like moths drawn to a lamp or fire and keeps them there? is there some sort of silent signal or radio message or telepathy that calls them here? is it the dark part of the mind that hears that silent call that draws them over the edge of insanity into that part of the mind that no one dares to see? does anyone ever want to look at that part of the mind and take it apart to find out what is really wrong, fix it, and put it back together again the way it's meant to be? i do and have successfully done it to myself, but I can only do for myself, and not anyone else at all. just like only you can do for yourself and no one else can. the reality of it is that there is something here that is calling everyone to come here to the hear and now place. everyone is here and everyone is coming back again, that has been gone. they are all coming back to the here and now place with the red pants and ivy. the idiots of the world have united around us here tonight to show off their feathers and such like all peacocks love to do. the last poets of gil scott. rolling the dice of stoopidity, you're in my fucking seat once again you fucking nimrods. if you can read this, then you are in my bubble and you better get the fuck out of it now before I have to hurt You. the wanna-be hard asses of this town are nothing but pussies with lots to hide. November 06, 2002 Reflections of my memories of myself are quickly fading away. I must stop them from driving my memories away from me somehow before they are all gone. A complete deconstruction of the mind is beginning to bleed through the Realities and is being noticed now by the Elders because of this. And when they begin to notice, something is Very wrong with the Machine. The Crow sitting on the telephone wire outside your window is trying to tell you something very important to your survival. You better pay close attention to what He is saying kuz it just may save your life one day. Or it may be just what you need to turn your Whole Life around for the better. So heed what He has to say to you when He says it. Pay close attention to what the Crows do and where they go, and how they go about it. They Really can help you if you are not bogged down by all the propaganda put forth by the Catholic Church or other such Lame ass religious LIARS! Some are so stuck on STOOPID that I don't think they'll ever come back from the Edge of Madness. Hang on to it till I kick them out of their Altered Realities. Pretend we're on a boat and I'm about to throw you off of it head first into the water... Wild, Wild horses that roam the plains with me are my Brethren for all Eternity. Lost Causes surround us everywhere we turn nowadays. Are you one of Us or one of Them? In all honesty do you really think you can get away with trying to pretend being one of Us? Don't Loiter in my Soul any longer because you don't Belong Here any longer. November 7, 2002 The time has almost come, the Crows are flocking to the Here and Now place in droves. They are awaiting the Re-Birth of the Seed of Never. The Harmonics of the Universe are aligning for the Opening of the Gateway between the Realities... November 13, 2002 My, how we all love to pass the 'buck' around when we don't want to do something. And when we really don't want to have to do something, how clever we are at passing that 'buck' on to someone else. The Essence of Beauty is what draws us to the Center of The Universe. It doesn't matter what we are, it matters that we're All from the same source, the same Stock, The ALL. November 16, 2002 Men with an idea of selling an old beat up 8-track player for Crack to get through the pain of the Dis-Ease in his daily routine once again. Where have all of the Beautiful People gone off to Lately? Where do they hide when the SIC ones come out to play during the day? December 09, 2002 So as we ride on, we realize that change can sometimes be good for us; even if we don't want it to change. So what do we do if the change is NOT good, and we want it back the way we want it to be? What do we do then? I'm very comfortable in my pain and I know it, so why change it? December 12, 2002 Sitting around doing nothing can cause the mind to wander gleefully across the plains of the past. With no Control, the mind will tend to wander into those places we want it NOT to see. Some of these places are better left undisturbed, but they also must become a point of focus to become fuel for the change that must come about to help US become stronger in order to better ourselves. I myself am at such a point. I want nothing more than to have a chance to get started again, being as I have had EVERYTHING , and I mean EVERYTHING, taken away from me. I now have nothing except for what I had with me, and my woman, and if something doesn't come about soon, I might lose her too. December 12, 2002 Is unnecessary change worthwhile if in the long run, it turns out to actually be worthwhile and necessary? And is it actually Un-Necessary? Is not everything necessary in the whole scheme of things?

Chapter 8 - Thoughts:

Chapter VIII Thoughts: You can't sit here and believe that I am Worthy of any of this tonight?

DANANDTROYSPLAN: THE PLAN WAS SET...NOW FOR FUN! The rules for engagement set forth in the Book of Faith state that 'Who shall counteract what is written in the Book of Faith?' And it makes perfect sense to those of us who have Died many a time before. October 27, 2002 So now that they knew Who He was, now they were all very curious as to What He was doing here in the first place. Was He here for Something or Someone in particular? That sparked the sleepy little town's interest and curiosity to the utmost it had ever been. But their curiosity was not enough to move them to action and actually just come outright blunt and straight forward and to just Ask Him why He was here. Some of the Best plans ever made are the ones that...Just Happen... the spontaneous spur of the moment, On The Fly, Off the Cuff, when an immediate decision is made due to the current Circumstances... To Just Do It Right Then and There... The one who eventually decided that it was time to be strong and go up and find out all about Him was Lawrence Talbot. He had talked with his close friend at the time, Roy Johnson, asking advice on what to do about the whole situation in question. Roy had been On The Ball about most of the 'unseen' stuff that had ever happened in the past, so maybe he might be On The Ball and right about what to do about Him, to find out exactly what Was going on... Now That He's Freeballed that Negative Karma... So when Lawrence came to Roy with his questions about how to approach the Man With No Soul, Roy already knew what was up. October 27/30, 2002 Damien inner thoughts: Take a walk through the Void of Never with me while we observe the paranormal bullshit of everyone else's nonsensical existence. We will only be here for just a blink of His Eye, a mere twinkle or flash of the Explosion of The Never, without the All to help even for an instant. Instantaneous Internal Self Combustion, Pardon me while I Burst, or really just to spit your head open like a cantaloupe so I can really see what’s on your mind for the Security of the All's Existence for the Almighty BOB. Why's the Man With No Soul here with His Crows? Is He the Seed Of Never? Forever, Never More, Ever More Redundant in the pattern's superimposed within the Land Of Nod? What is the Sustenance of Never's Patterns of D.N.A. that keeps being found over and over again within our Twin Thin Un-Realities? Ah, D.N.A., the four letters or numbers of the Helix Strands patterns with so many different combinations and possibilities. So what combinations make up the Dis-Eased and sick ones we see forever roaming the streets day to day that get in our way for the trials and tribulations at hand? When that pattern, or strain, of this epidemic is found, how do we neutralize and rid ourselves of that stagnant, decaying switch or number? Or, better yet, do we just shut it off and isolate it and leave it to its own devices to slowly de-evolve it back to Nothingness? Good questions, all of them. Are we better off not knowing where the Chakras of The Universes Portals are, or even sharing what we know with the weak ones of this Reality? I almost would have to say that now, after all that has happened here, that we should just let them stumble onward till they eventually die off or kill themselves off just for our own Safety's sake. We've already established that they just will not Go away and disappear. That would be too easy and not much entertainment for Us, now is it? The Higher Level Of Consciousness necessary to see all of this for what IT is takes a lot of patience and a most definite ability to keep an open mind on top of all else. The Illuminati have nothing on US and our ability to be FAR-SEEING and knowing the Outcome of all collected actions and Re-Actions. Is it necessary for Us to actually explain it all to you in "Laymen’s Terms" so you might be able to grasp the concept of just "BEING?" Okay, so we've now realized that non-existent number patterns are able to appear within the gaps of the translation of numbers from one language to another, but how do we keep those from appearing in the first place? How do we keep them from emerging in the gaps? Or even better, how do we keep the Gaps from appearing in the first place? October 29,2002 The Language of the Ancients is essentially the Voice of Never. Only a select group of people on this Plane of Reality know how to speak it fluently, as well as the Crows. To anybody unknowing of the Ancient Tongue, it all sounds like backwards Gibberish or Babel. Thus someone speaking the Ancient Tongue can freely speak out amongst everyone else without being overheard or even understood. It's almost kind of like Telepathy. An unspoken sharing of thoughts between two like Souls. Knowing the Ancient Language also had it's drawbacks, which was that not only could you understand people without speaking, but you could also hear everyone else's thoughts and feelings...All the time. Wherever the person goes, he can hear exactly what everyone has on their mind. That was the curse of Knowing the Ancient Language. Thus was how Damien had met David Noel Alexson in the first place. They had heard each other's distinctive thought patterns quite loud and clear. They stood out to each other like bright Neon Signs in the middle of the darkest night. When they saw each other, they instinctively knew who each other was. Damien had been at the Coffee House working on one of his latest business ideas for the company he was planning on starting with Chani, when he felt that distinctive Feeling of Someone Like Himself nearby. At first he tried to ignore it as a mistaken feeling, but soon it became too obvious for him to ignore any longer. Damien could no longer concentrate on his proposals, so he finally gave up and pushed it all away from himself and began to concentrate on locating the source of this psychic Disturbance. Almost like a psychic Hiccup... "Do you see the patterns yet, Damien?" David asked. "I've seen them over and over again all through my life," Damien replied. "How could I not see them now?" "No," said David, "I mean do you see why the patterns are repeating now? Do you Really see WHY they are repeating yet? Do you really know WHY yet?" "Why? Am I missing something or have I overlooked something? I think I have it now, tell me if I am missing something, Please." "Come on, You have it right in front of your face. Stop looking so closely at it, and see it from the corner of your eye, Damien. Don't Look at it directly if you want to see it clearly for what It is." Damien sat back and thought about what David had just explained to him but still could not grasp what exactly he had been told just now. Still not sure, Damien tried to find the right question to get a full answer to what was really being said... As Damien pondered over this, David began to write something down on a napkin that vaguely resembled something he had seen in a dream once before. As David wrote furiously, Damien began to see that he was writing something in what appeared to be an Ancient Language that seemed vaguely familiar... the seed of never has come forth from the land of nod. we have all died and been reborn with the knowledge of the all. As Reality sped out of control in front of Damien's eyes, he realized where he had seen that very writing before. He knew that writing in an innate way from his sub-conscious, from his Dreams of the Land of Nod, which was a place Damien only thought was His Land... and only from his dreams... Not a tangible place that actually existed, and thus was why he suddenly felt everything in his Reality split apart. That was the place where the Sub-Conscious could bleed through to the Conscious mind; when the Symbols of the Ancients were used, ANYTHING was possible. "Now do you see what I am asking you, Damien?" David asked. "Does that mean anything to you at all?" "Yes, I do see it and I recognize it now. But what does it mean, David?" "It's the Language of The ALL, Brother, and you need to beware of what's coming down the line for you. Never trust ANYONE, at all, and you must also beware of what those two are up to... And I know you know who I mean. Only you can decipher the symbols and what they mean, but I will tell you this... Two that You Once Loved and Trusted are trying to do you harm... And That's all I'll say on that..." And with that, David stood up and walked away with out another word, except to tell Damien he would see him sometime in the near future. "So what happens when the Sausages are gone and the Pink Elephants start throwing marshmallows at the Innocent Passer-Bys?" When he fully recovered from the initial shock of meeting someone who knew him completely without ever meeting him before, Damien had to take a deep breath and sit down to get his bearings again. Once he did, he asked the burning question that was on everyone's mind from the beginning of history... WHY? Damien LaRouche, To Chani: October 29, 2002 A Breath Of Fresh Air Trips to Big Bear and all the Fresh Air Running my fingers through her lovely hair Spontaneous journeys without a moment to spare When I look at her eyes I have not a care Special moments shared above the world's eye An Angel that carries my Soul up so high She takes the time to teach me to fly We share our own space up in the sky We plan our day on which to get away So Our Souls will live to see another day For we now know, here we can no longer stay And this place has nothing good left to say So now we leave this Bad Place behind With only memories left to remind Us of what we learned was so unkind And how so many are just so damned Blind October 30, 2002 When The Crows Smile Is Upside Down, It's The Cheshire Cat Smiling Down On You From Above... Killifornication! Roy Johnson had grown up in some of the worst places in California, or Killifornia, as he liked to affectionately call this state of confusion he lived in. He had seen some of the most heinous Crime Scenes in many different cities, being as his career choice had been that of a Coroner. His job carried him from scene of Death to Scene of Carnage over and over again, every day. His job let him see firsthand how bad the Dis-Ease had taken hold in the world and he wanted to learn how it might be stopped, if not reversed. He had seen too many of the sickness patterns repeated over and over and he had that 'knack' for seeing a story of a crime scene Backwards, and he wanted the patterns to be stopped. From the time he was a teenager and he watched his best friend get brutally murdered by a neurotic Dope-Fiend with a shotgun who thought his friend was some Crack-Head who owed him money, Roy vowed to stop the Dis-Ease in way he possibly could, even though he didn't know exactly what the Dis-Ease was. Either way, he was gonna find out and put a stop to it, no matter what it was or if the Fuckin President was the one causing it... He WOULD stop IT. That, and his ability to follow the Threads of the Present back into the Past and see exactly what Had Happened and Why, was what had led him to his current job as a Coroner. He could tell by looking at a crime-scene and how everything around it looked exactly how and why anything had happened, he could almost see what happened like a video in his mind's eye. He had developed this ability over the years by practicing with first small objects, being able to tell what the object had been used for, by whom, and trace out where the object had been previously and so on and so forth, even before the object had been created. And even then, he could tell what it had been BEFORE THAT! Eventually, he moved on to bigger things and bigger ideas until he found his calling and deciphering people and what had happened to them. When he discovered this power, it had almost drove him to the brinks of Madness. What kept him from going over the edge was when he met Lawrence Talbot on the night of his near fatal car crash, when Lisa had passed on in Lawrence’s arms. The feeling he had gotten when he approached the accident scene had been awful. But it woke him up awfully fast to see Death that Up Close and personal. It was almost like looking in a mirror when he saw the look on Lawrence’s face while he sat impaled to his car. That was the night he realized his purpose in life and why he was even here in the first place. Not only did he see the pain on Lawrence’s face as he watched his fiancé die, he could feel Lawrence’s pain within himself as if it was Roy's own pain, being very apathetic to Lawrence’s loss occurring right before his eyes. What was worse, Roy could see the whole of the accident occur and all of the Happiness before it, and that is what woke him up. That's when he learned that he could actually use his ability to make a difference and stop all the sickness from spreading on from where it was so far. After the accident, Roy had made it a point to speak to Lawrence when he had recovered enough from his injuries to speak and comprehend. That 'Gut-Feeling' that had drawn Roy to Lawrence was right; they had instinctively found each other. Through the Voice of The All, two very powerful Souls had been directed towards each other by the All's guiding influence. When the Two were put together, a spectacular event was about to unfold in the Universe; The Answer would be put forth finally for all to understand. What is it that draws two souls to a certain place and time in order for the right mix of circumstances to cause a reaction that's right for both? The signature of 'Chance' is actually predestined by the All. It's all a balance of Karma's 'Chemicals' which are nothing but strands of D.N.A. and all of their complications that come with the 'Chances' of various Strains. Or Stress? Do You See What I Hear? October 31, 2002 Why are some people the only ones to see and witness some of the Stoopidest acts, and no one else sees it, or believes it at all? Sometimes we witness crimes being committed so blatantly and obvious in broad daylight, and when and if we say something about it, it either turns out to be a hoax, or we were just wrong, or even worse, too late. Why are we subject to such pathetic, naive bullshit in the first place? Should we just sit back and pretend not to notice and let the shit happen, and stand by and watch while a fellow human gets his head kicked in by some Crack Head? In this day and age, I'm beginning to just say: "Yes, don't even pay any attention to it, let what will happen, happen how it may. The less involved you become, the better off you and your loved ones will be and just pretend not to notice. Just stay out of it and keep your mouth shut and say Not a word." Besides, Mother Earth will take care of her own and expel the scum of the world in her own special way. Karma will prevail Tenfold. When the world starts to shake and crumble around us, We will know we are saved and the Machine is working Well. It's not unusual to see life for what it is and be able to avoid the usual pitfalls that most will fall into because we actually see it. We feel it and touch it everyday. Our dreams foretell it and then we live it, day in and day out. And because of this, we've decided to stay out of it from here on out. They are forever more on their own and must deal with it all themselves. Because, It Is Theirs, Not Ours! PERIOD!

Chapter 7 - ------0-1------

Damien Inner Thoughts: ------0-1------ The number systems of the world on casual first glance SEEM to be a universal system or, Language, if you will, that the world shares. But upon closer inspection, they are NOT all the same and there exists gaps within the conversion from one system to the next. Those gaps of information contain sometimes very vital information and data that are necessary for the proper, balanced operation of this Machine we live and grow upon. When this information disappears in translations, eventually the algorithmic build up of missing data can turn into a disastrous 'Crash' of the system. And when the system crashes, we crash with it, being as we, too, are vital components of the System. The Matrix of The System we live in is essentially made up of the Basic Binary System of Zero and One, Off and On, and usually works as long as the language of the System stays the same. But when the Language is changed, the usual Fail-Safe system FAILS...Miserably. And we have seen the outcome of this Failure a few times before in History. The major Catastrophes all through our history have been the result of these 'Failures'. And the main reason these failures were even allowed to happen in the first place was because of these 'Gaps' of Information. That’s because those gaps of data also act as reverse vacuums or Portholes. Breaches in the flow of information allow data to Flux in the wrong direction, thus causing the energy to build or dam up, eventually exploding back in the face of the original sender of that information, which, of course, we know is wrong for Any system. When this backlash of energy occurs, we see it in our world as 'Unexplained Catastrophic Events'. Or maybe its just those 'Random Events' we see each Cycle? Or is it? Each Cycle of Zero and One bring about more gaps within the Binary Unit. And with those gaps occurs a natural balancing or Re-Enforcement or 'Filling-in' of the Empty spaces. Essentially, what happens is something created in order to fill the void, a closing or healing of the wound. Every cycle of Zero and One has a gap of a mere decimal, but over time, it adds up, unless the space between is filled with some character or decimal to continue the even flow of data. But What replaces the void? And when it does, it seems to be more dense and takes up more space on the hard drive of our Souls and patterns. And eventually what happens is that over time, more and more gaps amount to an eventual 'Skipping' or 'Jump' between numbers. And then, instead of the normal occurrence and order of Zero to One, it goes from Zero to Two, then eventually Zero to Three, and so on and so forth until we've done the entire Circuit over again, without even realizing we've 'Jumped'. Why do you think they all say "Cats Have Nine Lives?" Hmmmmm... bast lives on forever... Oops, did I say that out Loud? Did some day hear what someone else should not have? With all the wires of our System Wired so closely with that of the Sub-Routine, eventually the two will cross and become entwined as one. But it will still have the Two Languages embedded in the core, thus Confusion arises out of having Two Languages running simultaneously, becoming one mass ball of Babel. In time, the two languages WILL cause a conflict within the system or an error/ gap, because the two are still running and exchange information and translating everything between the two. And what is lost in the translation can be extremely devastating as a whole, as you can see. Ever been in a room where two languages are being spoken at the same time and try to listen? Becomes confusing, doesn't it? When Devastation like that occurs, it Does not go unnoticed by Us. All through the times of Yore, do we see how this Shift affects the Balance of the All in the whole scheme of this experiment gone awry. But as these gaps reoccur, we noticed the repetition of the pattern coincided with the re-Appearance of Him. Whenever the Man With No Soul appeared, we eventually noticed that the Catastrophic happenings occurred when He was around. After awhile, we proved our theory and began to take note of His Appearances and the effect He had on how things would happen with His Proximity to our Never. FOREVER, NEVER MORE, EVER MORE! Eventually what happens is that a full Pole Reversal occurs where everything is Not As It Seems. And we are not what we thought we were or ever were. A seed of Doubt, planted within. Today was a good day, no a Great Day, considering where your point of Perspective is. Where you stand tells the story of Where you Are. What if we are not Yet done with the New Masterpiece? Why make us Rush with such Nonsensical Bullshit? Those of us Who Know what is really going on can be found by looking for Those Who Are The Best Actors and Actresses. DONE-/ E /A 0001-0001=8/16 And The World groans in anticipation of the arrival of the Unknowing every day and moment... Tommy DeLucas: He had only been sitting in the room for a few hours now and he was starting to get really antsy now. What if Something had gone wrong and The Plan wasn't working out the way he and Linda Vaughn had planned it and worked it out so very long ago? They had sat up for hours on end, sometimes all the way through to morning working out all of the possibilities and flaws of their Plan. Over and Over they had gone through any possible scenario and covered all the bases, both known and un-known. Their Plan HAD to work out otherwise many innocent people would get hurt, or even die because of HIM... They had to make sure He was dead in order for the rest of Their Plan to work. It just HAD to work... Tommy DeLucas got on his cell-phone and tried calling and checking with Linda to see what was taking so long...He quickly dialed her cell-phone number and listened as it rang and rang. After a few moments of panic, she finally answered her cell phone sounding annoyed. "What do you want?", Linda asked hurriedly "I'm just curious what's taking so long down there, I mean I've been up here waiting for hours now...What's the hold Up?" "I'm just having trouble convincing Him to come with me down there. Just give me a few more minutes...I'll call you when we get ready to leave, Okay? Now don't call me again, or He Will get suspicious. Just stick to our Plan and I'll handle the rest, Okay? Good-Bye". As his phone went dead in his hand, Tommy thought back to what had started this all in the first place... To when he had first met Damien LaRouche. October 25, 2002 As I pace about the room like a bull inside a cage, I ponder and decipher the events of the night before and analyze what was said and what was not said. The Man was known to the Locals by the name they had Coined for Him when he first came to town, which was the "Man With No Soul" and which really seemed to fit how He appeared to them in their 'Sight'. He looked like He had no soul whatsoever and they could see it behind his eyes, which was why they could not stand to look him directly in his eyes for more than a few seconds at a time. I won't be long- I'll be right back... How many times have we heard that one before only to find it's not true? I mean, Really now? When someone comes up to you and tells you to change the name of something you have created, how do you react to that? October 25, 2002 By Maria ________ at the Porthole. I'm so sick of stress, my life is Full of ups and downs, I feel like Gods Putting me through a major test I'm scared I might just drown There is only one thing in life that Keeps me going Is Knowing that my son is Healthy, strong And Keeps growing God gave me a Special Child For a reason, but if God forbid he took Him away then my life will crumble Away like the falling Towers Hoping one day soon my life will end at any hour By Damien LaRouche (writing as Darwin LaRonde) What's conceived is not really. It's never what it seems. Not trying to go back but it just keeps happening forever. Not all are bad, some give in more easily. Not trying to hurt. Some asked, some were chosen, for What? Will we ever know? I'm very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very FUCKING TIRED! What is supposed to be isn't. Definition not represent Blame layed upon the innocent but prey on Evil Sent. Does that relate they're not sure, Who you are is the Cure Defend the righteous against the complacent to Them We're not Relevant... Stop right where you are, Kuz you're getting way too comfortable. Double Entundra: One day you will be there too, One day you will need, Too, and one day you will wish. And when you do, I will Shun You too. And there'll be nothing left here for you too. And there will not be a thing for You to do. "I've got Cocaine in my Shoe and I'm not Afraid To USE IT!!!" Carpool=Commuter so He's Done Gone off The Deep End this Time .. I'm Channeling and Can't FeeL. WHoSE eEYes arE THEY. WHOSe HaND is IT... I? THis IS sIC. WhO ARE yOU... I wANT My HAnD BaCK- GIvEE meE back MY eyes and braIN. WHo'S ME IS tHIS. THIs IS NOT METURN IT OFF! What exactly are you having me write, my friend? HAIR PRESSURE As I let more of me go, I know it's all for the better. The Sacrifice is never knowing WHY? Damien LaRouche InnerThoughts: As they stumble and stagger out after getting full of their latest fix, you see how much of a vise BLISS can be to those with the Dis-Ease. They don't know their limits and always will go above and beyond what they can handle because they have not learned from their patterns put forth before them. See the problem puts a serious strain on the balance of the Universe by taking away from those of us who do "KNOW" in order to compensate for those who don't. By doing this, it lessens the power of One Parallel Reality as it sucks it into a Void Of Nothingness. Thus, This Unbalances the veil between our Reality and the Parallel Inverse-Negative Reality. Damien: They file slowly and languidly into their stalls of doom, cattle lined up for the systematic ritual of Slaughter. Unknowingly they step up face to face with their Deaths. They never stop to realize their surroundings and heed all the warning signs of their impending doom. They are completely oblivious to the world surrounding them. The Pain on their faces as they succumb to the clutches of the Dis-Ease. Their faces contort in strange shapes of silent agony. When they kicked free out into the cold silence of the night, they are lost and will go in search of what 'Everyone Else' is doing. They have no guiding source anymore and need someone to 'LEAD' them and tell them what to do and where and when and how. Dualistic Principles of Mind contort and bend realistic reasoning completely out of shape. I go to work to make more money to buy more drugs so I can go to work to make more money to buy more drugs so I can go to work to make more money to buy more drugs... AD INFINITUM! Lady Of Light and Love Flower of Awakening Spring You, What Night Love Wishes Help me to Love you Again Linda Vaughn: Be a part of What is Real And succumb no more to the weakness of the Dis-Ease. Don't worry about what I'm doing, pay attention to what you have to deal with and leave me out of your Petty Reindeer Games I don't care about who You Know or who You are supposed to be that you think you're so damn special. you're just another Soul that's in my way. And You are giving me a headache with all your Gibberish Drivel. Mindless Babbling...! Feeding and Preying on the weak-minded, whom roam the streets endlessly. Go find your own victim, this one is MINE. I'm getting a fever now, I think the sickness is spreading in my body. I can feel it eating away at me from the inside out. I can't focus on any one thing. I'm getting sooo sleeepppyyy nowwwww..... The circling vultures wait for any chance to swoop down on anything or anyone that someone happens to be admiring it for its intended purpose so they can steal it away because they are too lazy or too shy to do it for themselves. They are the Parasites and Vampires of our World and they have nothing better to do than make anyone and everyone as miserable as they are. They live off of other peoples spoils. They can't do for themselves and are truly Wastes of SPace and Time and Energy... Damien, when meeting Chani: As I sit and admire from afar the Beauty of You, I take in the Sweetness of your Soul, tasting the essence of your free spirit enshrouded in the shell of your soft flesh... It's oh, so fresh that I never want to be without it ever again. Dance through My Void of Never, step out of yourself with me. Step outside of FOREVER. Step outside of the sickness of the Dis-Ease with me, let me show you how to be UN-SIC. Come and truly Enjoy Life With Me... Tommy DeLucas: I'm conducting an experiment in STOOPIDITY of the Sheep of the world. Watch how they just walk somewhere because everyone else walks over somewhere. All the "IN" people are doing it, I want to be an "IN" person, I want to be part of the "IN-CROWD". You can't play in my world because you don't even have a clue as to what we are actually playing the game for. How can you play in a game you don't even understand? Perched in a corner of a room where I can pretty much see all of the room from my perspective, I watch as Chaos weaves Her way in and out of our Realities without giving much of a nod as She goes about Her Business. She gives no trace of Her existence as She wreaks Her Havoc as She gleefully frolics through Her Day. I'm amused by Her presence about me in the day. She is much Entertainment for one such as myself who is in the business of observing the world. She is a breath of Fresh Air in a world full of Redundant, boring pathetic Sheep. KITTY COCAINE! Damien: I'm preoccupied with that which is slightly bent or just straight backwards in infinity. The Twisted sub-routines of the Sub-Conscious mind fascinate the mind with the intricacies of it's redundancies. The patterns are repeated over and over again in the confines of their predetermined set patterns of their existence. Always returning to their point of origin to begin yet another circuit of their eternal prisons. All embracing the fundamental principle of their Blissful ignorance of what is really happening around them. Tommy DeLucas: I think I'm gonna get me a gun and start going down to the shooting range and hang out with the Rednecks down there. Imposters who mimic and maim the actual flow and flux of the Universe because they don't know what they are dealing with. Finish this, If you really know what you're doing! I didn't say you're allowed to even be near me, much less talk to me you Dis-Ease ridden piece of filth. You are NOT worthy of notice, much less any acknowledgement of your pathetic existence! David Noel Alexson: The Glances stolen of the All will be deemed reasonable cause for that Karmic Build up of Energy to be released into the Universe to restore that balance necessary to maintain the Cohesion of Reality! Damien LaRouche: Inner Thoughts: Looking through the aquarium windows you can see a whole universe unfold before your eyes. Impressions of patterns dance freely before you as they swirl through the Ether of Never, drifting in Space and Time. We slide along a line or thread of Time but we are simultaneously able to touch three points in time all at once if we are able to 'SEE' through those thin membranes that keep alternate, parallel Universes from within our field of Conscious vision. IN order to see through the Veil covering Realities, you must be able to disassociate what exactly IS reality from what is Assumed to Be Reality. Separate the Mundane from the Enlightened ones of our Universe. Play the chords of Realities Soundtrack. Looney BOOM Damn it Man, I knew it was a Mistake What the Fuck is different, Man, I can't Believe I'm Doing This... to quote Slipknot Be party to an excuse for fear of wanting A hollow sensation filling the void between desires A hearts emptiness fighting the urge to consume reason Repel, give way, let go, move on, SURRENDER The 4 x 4 Truck from Hell, The Grim Reaper "I pulled over these two Geeks who thought they were gang-bangers..." "You straight got that Pimp Daddy Limp and Everything , DAWG!!!!" October 27, 2002 When all of the details of the Plan had been worked out, the next phase was to be put into action. Damien and Lawrence would sit at the bar for hours on end and drink pitcher after pitcher of draft beer while they went over every miniscule detail of anything and everything that could conceivably go wrong, even inconceivably go right. Everything from the arrangement of the group's procession to what color tie He Might or might not wear. Even down to the weather and the direction of the wind and if it did or did not shift. They would stumble out of the bar and trace every possible step He might take on His visit to this Hole In The Wall town. "Holy Shit, it's Mr. LaRouche and Lawrence...What the hell are THEY doing together. It wasn't so long ago that Lawrence would have given his own life to take Mr. LaRouche's life- Now here they are together drinking beer and...chatting in low tones..." Lawrence thought to himself. When their faulted minds finally broke free from the Dis-Ease, it made it easier for them to speak more freely amongst others because no one had any clue what they were talking about because they could not understand the language of the Souls. SPEAKING BACKWARDS IN TONGUES OF THE ANCIENT LANGUAGES. From then on out, they became more and more aware of their goal and purpose in Life and what exactly had to be done in order to fix the wrongs of the Past. Whose past it was really did not matter at this point. What mattered was that the problem had been identified and the Resolution had been implemented. Or at least been put into effect to the point that it could easily be performed within the parameters set forth by the All.

REALITY BECOMES UNDONE! All our illusions are just that! You're the co-creator of your moment Make it count, cuz life is Always the Present Play Ball Shake Hands Go deer Hunting. Deceit is Unbelievable And Hides behind it's lies No matter what is believable We all hide behind our eyes What is happening now Is temporary unless you're blind Without me, there is no Me!!! The only way reality becomes undone Is if you Let it! The Complete Rhetoric! Mulch and Shit The Thrill of It The Sea of Piss Sustains Cabbage Rinds Filthy Finds Let's Reveal The Stains! We need a Dishwasher Stat! Or is that all we really need at all? More can be said about what we WANT and what we really NEED. A moral stigma if there ever was one to believe in. Beliefs are stranger than usual in this day and age because of Everyone's varying views and perspectives. Let Me Fish off Your Pier for awhile! All the ways we medicate ourselves and get ourselves so intoxicated in order to forget bits and pieces of ourselves. It's understandable at times to purposely forget certain events in our past temporarily but at the same time, we are actually erasing the very brain cells we NEED for essential living instead of the ones that actually contain these memories we are trying to rid ourselves of. Do you think those with the Dis-Ease will even notice this fact before it slowly or suddenly kills them? You got that right; They don't and never will unless they wake up, Fast! The End of The Beginning of The End is coming fast for them. Spontaneity Rocks, Be different and surprising on the Spur Of The Moment. October 18, 2002 Damien Speaking of his first meeting with David Noel Alexson...: The man was tall, probably about six foot, two with an average frame for his height, but it was his eyes that caught my attention. His eyes seemed to glitter and sparkle like stars of the Milky Way had collected behind them. The way he looked at people was scary. He seemed more to look Through people as opposed to At them. And he seemed to know everything about a person with just One glance in someone’s general direction. How he did this, no one could really say for sure except that He just 'Knew'. How he got Here, No One Knew. He just WAS. No one really noticed Him unless they weren't looking. He was invisible to the conscious mind unless he allowed Himself to be seen by any particular person. So when I saw Him, I knew instinctively that no one else could really see Him and that I was the only one who was Supposed to. So, naturally, seeing someone So like myself, I decided I'd go and talk with this mystery man to see what He was all about. CURIOUSITY IS WHAT KILLED THE CAT... BUT SATISFACTION IS WHAT BROUGHT HIM BACK AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN... October 18, 2002 When faced with mortality, many people will cringe in fright and cower away from the Epiphany before them. They have no concept of it with which to compare it to and differentiate one from the other. With nothing to compare it to, it makes the Revelation stand out in Stark contrast to the Reality they've created around them. October 18, 2002 Those marked by the All as Dis-Ease ridden infestations of the Soul will be knownst to those of us who 'Know' by their characteristic Un-Realness and Non-Existence in this Reality. They must be removed like the Cancer they are so they are not allowed to spread their sickness to others like they have for so long now. They must be stopped at all costs in order for us to be able to start our rebuilding for the All. How do we spot the Sick ones? How to see them for their Sickness? Tis really quite easy... Just LOOK! "So how did you find me, I mean, like how did you know about me?" asked Damien. "We've always known about you, Damien," replied David. "We've been watching you since you were born." "Okay, but how'd you know about what I can do?" "There were Prophecies written about One like you many millennia ago by Ancient Beings who basically Created You, in a manner of Speaking, for this Exact purpose. You are to be the one who Opens the Gateway between the Realities allowing the Old Ones to Return to their Rightful Places of Power. They created this whole race for doing their Bidding, so is it so hard to believe that they made You in order to bring this all about?" "Who were THEY? Where did They come from and Why? Why 'Create' Me or whatever it was they did? Why did They come here in the first Place?" "In due time, dear Damien, All will be revealed to you. In Due time. Patience Young Damien, you will find all you need to know is already there and you already Know. But you must first learn Patience before all else when it comes to working with the All." I'm not responsible for your own actions you inflict upon yourself. I have released all liability for Your actions to YOU. You are responsible for Your own Actions. What you do to yourself is Yours, not mine. So when it falls apart, don't come crying to me about it, Okay? Oh, and make sure You Say Thank You! Remember all I have Taught you and told you, kuz from here on out, you are on your own. Any more knowledge WILL cost you dearly, so be careful and be sure to THINK before you ACT. When you go out there on your own again, make sure you know the whole story before you make any decisions at all. PERIOD! I've learned over time that I am a healer, but only in certain circumstances can I perform this feat. Mainly on my own self can I heal, but for others, it's a whole different story. I can heal only small physical things. Spiritually, my healing power is awesome. But that is only by getting people to realize that they have actually got the power to do it themselves within themselves. And that's only by mere suggestion, if that. A few guiding words here, a few there in the right spots and situations. Other than that, most of my healing power is for the damage inflicted upon me while going about my day trying to get others to save themselves. But eventually I begin to wonder if I should even bother at all with trying to wake these fools up after all the Bullshit I've seen them pull when confronted for what they Really ARE... SIC! I like eating Egg-Foo-Younggg!!! I'd rather not Think. It's way too depressing. It's way too close to home for my liking. October 19, 2002 Everything seems to be Broken, and I'm not the one to fix it. If I get the urge to leave this place, it's not your fault. I just think it's time to leave. Something is telling me to Leave NOW. There's nothing more for me to do here now. So if the time has come for me to leave the here and now place, then it's time. The Fairies have all gone now The Crows have flown away To you this Mystery (misery), I now bestow I can't carry this Load again today Take now this Misery (Mystery) I've reaped And make it now your own These Lost Souls for Whom I weep Are the Steps upon which sits Your Throne! So when the Day comes that I disappear, Weep not for me, just think back to the picture of You and Me So Happy and Pure, when our Innocence was there and we both seemed to know. The Happy times we both shared and seemed to think we could take on the world together. Those times are few and far between, so make the most of them when they do come around. Damien to Lawrence (Troy to Daniel Menhennete): I think I'm slowly dying right now and falling apart at the seams, so I want to get the most out of Life before I Do have to go, so stay out of my way. Because, I will do anything I can in my power to do what I want so as to make sure I do all I Have to do before I die. Where do you think all of this you see before you came from? Just a Whim? Nope, I know I'm dying so I have to get all of this out before I die so as to preserve myself and Create my IMMORTALITY for the World to Remember ME by. Yeah, it seems so Negative coming from such a POSITIVE PERSON such as myself. But at one point in your life, you may have to Realize that its not all Grapes and Berries, and that we are all just actors on a stage and there's only so much WE CAN DO. Besides, What we put forth and present to the world IS NOT REALLY US, for Real, okay? I love you Brother, and Forgive Them For They Know Not What They Do. The Time Has Come The Party's Over It means more to some Than it Does to Others So Now I must Leave For I'm not at Peace So Uncomfortable In this Time and Place The Seed Of Never Is Planted And the Pall-Bearers Reign Take Nothing For Granted And Leave None In The Rain P.S. TIGGER SPRINGTAIL Malibu Rum Bacardi Light Rum Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum O.J. Seven Up Tigger will Live, Forever More Love Damien La Rouche (Troy Minks) S.S. Porthole San Pedro California Second To Last Booth on the Right. P.S.S. Lawrence, (Daniel) The Dis-Ease has had me all along, I just didn't know it. LIQUID COCAINE by Tony (Tone) 2 Jack Daniels 2 Meyers Rum 2 Amaretto 1/2 cup of O.J. Scoop of Ice Blend till frothy... October 20, 2002 Deutronic Noise Pollution, or just Psychotic? Just get up off your ass and come on down here. All the Angels are here, it's time to come out and play. It will always be here no matter what. I'm just not ready yet. Everyone has still forgot about the past. REMEMBER! What if I'm Leading something other than myself? October 21, 2002 If it keeps up like this... I'm not sure why but I'm letting it happen to myself again. If I let it keep going like this, I'm gonna hurt myself really bad. And I don't know why I'm letting it happen. An Experiment gone awry, nor do I wish to cry. As I watch the Man come closer and closer to me, I make no effort to turn away and avert Disaster. I just stand firm showing no signs of backing down from my final fight. I've written all I can write about the Man and all He has done, the story is written, and the End HAS come. Do I think that Mankind will ever learn the reason for their existence and accept it for what IT is? I seriously doubt they ever will be ready for that kind of Knowledge. No matter how much you try to prepare them for it, they will always be stubborn and refuse to accept any kind of change of their thought patterns and ways of thinking because they are that selfish. The Man that came to San Pedro has never left with His Red Pants and Ivy. He has been here since the Beginning and he will be here till the End of Time. His story will go on Forever, Never More. We all know how these stories end, as they always have before. So don't be surprised when the Bodies wash ashore. Knowing what I know now, I cannot rightfully go back to the All feeling content. It would be wrong to be deceitful about what I DO know. Something's gone really wrong with the Machine lately and I can't quite put my finger on it. It's just ALL Wrong and all Flubbed up. Whatever Is wrong seems to be creeping up on what is happening. It's like a parasite sucking off the Host, sucking the body Dry until it's nothing but skin and bones. BONE DRY comes to mind. The sickness has taken over completely and it dominates the Soul. Deconstruction of the Mind and Spirit has begun and is in full force now and there is not much WE can do to wake them up. I've tried so hard to make them see what is Real and what is Unreal in the End. M A Damien: The Allocations allowed for hatred have been far exceeding the limits in order for the balance necessary for Life. Thus, a Vacuum has been created within Karma. Then, this vacuum is what takes away the Good Karma for the person doing good and left wondering what happened to Their Good Karma. And the Evildoer gets the Break while we get Fucked with NO VASALINE! "So sometimes we just have to Grin and BEAR it and ride it out while getting ASS FUCKED by a Chainsaw sideways and fuckin Get OVer It, Right, Lawerence?" October 21, 2002 Damien, after Final Death: When reflecting upon how they fell in line when the time had come to put it all in order, I realized how Sick ALL of us really were. We were all so sick that we were still open to the suggestion of others, that we were still not in control of our own selves. The Brethren Angels that are here with me have tried and tried to no avail with these beings to make it better. But they just are not ready to fix what’s wrong. They just wont let go of it. The Spittle Of God The Spittle of God As We drown in the Spittle of God Bouncing to and Fro in this overgrown toy The Chess pieces wash upon the shore IN the Flood of His Little Game We are all just seeds in His Pod Not knowing the point in this little ploy We think we are learning more and more Only to find, To Him its all the same Take now thy Staff and thy Rod Forever I walk with Helen of Troy And the Reindeer Games are such a bore For Your Lack of Interest, I am not to blame So Now Forever Onward we slowly Plod Unless in the meantime you completely Destroy The natural balance within the core Of the Machine Run By Those Insane (Inane) For the longest time, Damien was well aware of his powers, but not the full extent of the meaning of His existence here on this planet and why. So he really didn't fully understand the meaning of all the little signs happening around him. All of the little things left unheeded and unnoticed everyday collected day by day and began adding up. Eventually it collected into one BIG SIGN that happened to Royally Wake Damien up to what Exactly He was and Why he was even here in the first place... He Died...

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