I don’t know anymore what is going on. I’m totally at my wits end, tired emotionally and mentally. I feel so totally lost and confused. Deep inside i’m crying out yet the only one i wish could hear me doesn’t. Alot has happened to me over the years but now it breaks down to just in the past few days. As i look into her eyes at work i see someone deep inside of there just begging and yearning to come out as well a scared lil girl holding back all she has to try to keep the world from seeing her. I know who she is and the person that is inside of her. A sweet, dearing, wonderful, caring lady that i have had the honors and privledge to fall deeply n madly in love with. There was a time happiness, joy, laughter filled in her gleaming eyes, now all there is is what i said earlier, the begging and yearning. I so want to be there for her and i cry out her name letting her know that i am but my sound is but mute to her ears. I pray to God that may the confusion that is within her would go away, i pray to God he would let me take that confussion, the distraught, that scared lil girl and let me endure it all so the gleam that once filled her eyes may gleam again. It saddens me so much that i sit here n cry without a soul to see me.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if i should just let go and walk away so that what she has put me through that i don’t ever fear of that again with her or do i stay in there and in hopes that one day we may be an us again.
Lord, i do ask of you to please help me through these trying times, please to lend me Your hand and help me along the path that i need to be on. I put my trust in you dear Lord that you will show me the way. But right now all i ask out of You is to please help her find her way. If our paths are meant to cross yet again then so be it be please let her find the happiness from inside so she may have that gleam, that love, the joy, the laughter, the happiness yet again be seen by all others. Her happiness means the world to me and yet as her best friend, as one time her lover, her once fiancee that she has so pushed away i feel i have failed her in helping her always have that gleam in her eyes. Have i failed you Lord? If so i bow down to Your mercy. Have i failed her? Then may she find someone that never will. Have i failed within myself? As a man, as a caring man of others especially to ones that i love i feel that i have failled within myself and i keep asking myself to forgive me but i am having so much troubles even forgiving myself.
I don’t know what i did so wrong to feel so much pain. To feel so sad, confused and helpless. I know i should count myself lucky for there are others out there that endure so much more each and everyday, and yet through my trying times I am there to help whom ever needs my hand, my ear, my wisdom, my heart, to help them through I just one day, that the one i love that i know loves me too, my soulmate, will ask for my hand, my ear, my wisdom and again my heart to be there and help them through. So i ask once again Lord, please help her find that happiness yet once again and may she always keep it for that to me is everything.
