jrichardson6769's blog: "About me.possibly nsfw."

Howdy all, sum stuff has been on my mind and i wanted to get it out there and see if i was the only 1 thinking this. i have to warn you, this was actually WRITTEN in long hand before i put it here. the only thing i have redone is the spelling ( and as we know, im not that great with that either,lol as well as some other things that have come to mind since writing)

 For me, i have been having problems with dealing with the lonliness it sux not having someone to talk to, just hang out with,someone that at the minimum, will  let you vent, and at the maximum, will help me understand what im dealing with. That im not going copmpletely crazy ( cant go where you never werent in the first place right?) Finding somone  to share my life with, someone that will be ok with me wanting to share the same bed with the same sex (depending on the sex of the person im with or not) and not judge me, as well as someone that loves that about me. That doesnt want me to change unless I want to change for ME because it doesnt fit what they consider "normal." For me, normal is a fluid thing, its like love, sex, etc, it can mean different things for different people and at different times and towards different people.

 I guess the hardest thing for me is i thought that by coming out of the closet to my mom, i was hoping to be free, and it doesnt feel like this, i almost feel more caged in that i cant seem to have what i want. Dont get me wrong, in alot of ways, it has been freeing i dont have to feel like im hiding anymore, but i did from my dad. The problem im dealing with is that when i tell others who and what i am, it seems like they are perceiving me as a "freak". the catch 22 of this, is if i dont tell them who i am, i run the risk of them finding out and them being mad that i didnt tell them i didn't tell them about myself ( kind of a damned if you do, and damned if you dont) and from some of the responces i have gotten, im being treated like the worst monster freak that walked or breathed.

 Also From my observations, ( and these are only from watching the women in this observation )  it seems and feels like women are in control of  how relationships are conceived and dealt with. women dont need A relationship per say, as they have their girl friends to help them with companionship  as well as "other" things and guys well, we know guys dont work like this.women decide who will be in their lives and who will not where guys if they want somone in their lives its about sex or not about sex as well as with some guys they will go to some EXTREME lengths to get sex from a woman and extreme time frames to do it, where with women, it SEEMS like all they have to do is snap the proverbial fingers and people can be in their lives. Guys from my observations, have to do A song and dance to even THINK about having a womans attention, much less if they want to get in their beds. It just seems like the guys all but have to beg for the attention. the irony, here is that from my understanding, there are more women out there then men. this should in theory, make women compete more for the men then the other way around or even with other females as well.

 In terms of trying to find a significant other in terms of a guy, well the impression i have and observe is that most guys that are bi, dont want an actual relationship with a guy like that, they just want the " booty call" type, and with gay men like gay women, they wont have anything to do with women on the physical level. Dont get me wrong, i like the booty call, but as i have said that's not all i want in life although right now it would be nice to even have that,lol

 i think it comes down to this: finding the unfindable relationship like i just explained is seeming to be IMPOSSIBLE and being alone and not having a companion i would only wish on those that i really hate and as you know, i dont hate very many people, its THAT miserable and this has been the hardest and lonliest  4-6 weeks i have lived. I think this is why i have been depressed the past few weeks and its only getting worse, the only thing im keeping my eyes on is going to Burning Man at the end of August. From there we will see what life has in store for me.                                 

 ladies and gentlemen, what are your observations? :-o