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Letter from Hell

> A LETTER TO YOU FROM SATAN > > I saw you yesterday as you began your daily chores. > > You awoke without kneeling to pray. As a matter of fact, you didn't > > even bless your meals, or pray before going to bed last night. You > > are so unthankful, I like that about you. I cannot tell you how glad > > I am that you have not changed your way of living, Fool, you are > > mine. Remember, you and I have > > been going steady for years, and I still don't love you yet . > > As a matter of fact, I hate you, because I hate God. > > > > He kicked me out of heaven, and I'm going to use you as long as > > > > possible to pay him back. You see, Fool, GOD LOVES YOU > > and HE has great plans in store for you. > > > > But you have yielded your life to me, and I'm going to > > make your life a living hell. That way, we'll be together twice. > > This will really hurt God. Thanks to you, I'm really showing Him > > who's boss in your life with all of the good times we've had. > > > > We have been. watching dirty movies, cursing people out, stealing, > > lying, being hypocritical, fornicating, overeating, telling dirty > > jokes, gossiping, being judgmental, back stabbing people, > > disrespecting adults, and those in leadership positions, > > no respect for the Church, bad attitudes. SURELY you don't > > want to give all this up. > > > > Come on, Fool, let's burn together forever. I've got some hot plans > > for us. This is just a letter of appreciation from me to you. > > I'd like to say "THANKS" for letting me use you for most > > of your foolish life. > > > > You are so gullible, I laugh at you. When you are tempted to sin, > > you give in. HA HA HA, you make me sick. > > > > Sin is beginning to take its toll on your life. You look 20 years > > older, and now, I need new blood. So go ahead and teach some > > children how to sin. All you have to do is smoke, get drunk or drink > > while under-aged, cheat, gamble, gossip, fornicate, and live > > being as selfish as possible. Do all of this in the presence > > of children and they will do it too. Kids are like that. > > Well, Fool, I have to let you go for now. I'll be back in > > a couple of seconds to tempt you again. If you were smart, you > > would run somewhere, confess your sins, and live for God with > > what little bit of life that you have left. It's not my nature > > > > to warn anyone, but to be your age and still sinning, it's becoming > > a bit ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, I still hate you. > > > > IT'S JUST THAT YOU'D MAKE A BETTER FOOL FOR CHRIST. > > > > P.S. If you love me, you won't sharethis

Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable Parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing.

What do you call

1 . What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? . A licker cabinet. 2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? .... A Klondyke. 3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? .... Militia Etheridge. 4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face. 5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? .... Fur Traders. 6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? .... A Lickalotapuss. 7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? ... Well Hung. 8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? ... She was found face down in Ricki Lake. 9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? ..... Even the pool table doesn't have balls. 10. What do you call lesbian twins? .... Lick-a-likes. 11. What's the definition of confusion? ... Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market. 12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker 13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers? 100 people that don't do dick
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods....... On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) ========================== On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts" (talk about a news flash) =========================== On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) ========================== On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) ======================= On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) ==================================== On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) =========================== On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....) ============================ On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.) ======================== On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?) ============================== On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (..I'm taking this because???....) ============================== On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?) ========================== On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) ============================== On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?) =========================== On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this.. On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Mayo jar and coffee

THE MAYONNAISE JAR and 2 CUPS OF COFFEE When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things like family, children, health, friends, and favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your t ime and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. So ... Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend." Please share this with someone you care about. I JUST DID! Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way BUT never forget to remember the blessings that come each day. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rules of the South

Rules of the South" are as follows: 1. Pull your saggy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap around right, your head ain't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "dirt road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4. They are called cows & hogs. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-75 goes north, I-10 goes west. Pick one. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton pickers that are driven only 4 weeks a year. 6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. 11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. 13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Universities, and Vo-techs. (Then we have God's college, UNC!)They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays. 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best. 18. The south is the greatest!! If you are from the south you are part of the best people in the USA!! A true southerner will send this on!!!

mousetrap

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. "What food might this contain?" the mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a . Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning : There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse , I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it." The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers." The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house!There is a mousetrap in the house!" The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose." So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital , and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them. The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness. And so, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another. SEND THIS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER HELPED YOU OUT AND LET THEM KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE. REMEMBER.... .EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY; OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON. One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a Friend.

Short and sweet

Short and Funny I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes." ~~~~~ Aspire to inspire before you expire. ~~~~~ I LOVE THIS NEXT ONE! My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine. ~~~~~ Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. ~~~~~ Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without forgetting. ~~~~~ The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way Around, you're not going anywhere. ~~~~~ God made man before woman so as to give him time to think Of an answer for her first question. ~~~~~ I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder to find one. ~~~~~ Every morning is the dawn of a new error. ~~~~~ The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us....go ahead and delete this For the rest of us.....pass this on. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Need a sign?

On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let the phone ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways. The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking about. Then the man said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife. The man said, "That's, OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer!" The reason why it showed on the man's caller ID that the call came from "Almighty God" is because the church that the pastor attends is called Almighty God Tabernacle!! If you believe that God answers prayers then pass this on. God bless! READ EACH SENTENCE SLOWLY AND THINK ABOUT IT. Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear. Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you. Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget. Don't let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff. BEST FRIENDS are the siblings God forgot to give us. When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your BEST FRIEND will be there. Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. Send this on to everyone special in your life, even the people who really make you mad sometimes and to the people whose lives you want to be in!!! And send it back to the person who sent it to you if they mean something to you!! Remember, every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of happiness wasted. Just send this to (4) people and see what happens on the fourth day. Do not break this, please. There is no cost, but lots of rewards....

SEX facts

Subject: FW: Facts About S E X ;-).i'm not messing with the sex fairy Be sure to read the warning at the bottom . I didn't change a word! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 . Sex is a beauty treatment . Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth . ============= 2 . Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes . The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow . ============= 3 . Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner . ============= 4 . Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up . It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body . It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers! ============= 5 . Sex is an instant cure for mild depression . It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being . ============= 6 . The more sex you have, the more you will be offered . The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones . These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy! ============= 7 . Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world . IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM . ============= 8 . Kissing each day will keep the dentist away . Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up . ============= 9 . Sex actually relieves headaches . A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain . ============= 10 . A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose . Sex is a natural antihistamine . It can help combat asthma and hay fever . ============= This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex . The original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub . It has been sent around the world nine times . Now sex has been sent to you . The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on . If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life . You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off . This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?) . Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price . Do not keep this message . This message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours . Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days . Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it . This is true, even if you are not superstitious . --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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