Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins:
Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week
The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation
who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed
potatoes, green beans, bread and desserts will be served
for a nominal feel.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge---Up
This evening at 7pm, there will be a sing in the park
across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
So i was at the bar and i saw a long line and a sign that said "if you can make my horse laugh you get a month of free drinks." So i thought what the hell and got in line one by one each person tried and failed. When it got to me i went in and whisper in the horses ear and he started laughing really hard. i went up to the bartender got my drinks and left. as the days go by and i go to the bar the horse is still laughing. After about a month a new line and sign is hanging "make my horse cry and i'll give you the deed to the bar." so i stood in line and when it got to me i went in closed the door 3 minutes later i walk out and all you hear is the horse crying. I walk up to the bartender as he's handing me the deed he says "before i give you the deed how did you make the horse laugh?" i said easy i told he that my dick is bigger than his. the bartender say "How did you make him cry?" Also easy i showed him.
Chuck Norris can finish Mario Bros without using the jump button.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Barry Bonds didn't inject steroids. He injected Chuck Norris' sweat.
Chuck Norris has Xbox Live... on his PS3.
Chuck Norris doesn't play Horde or Alliance he plays on his own faction.
Chuck Norris made stevie wonder flinch
Chuck Norris already has the ps10
Chuck Norris watched Twilight. He's never stopped roundhouse kicking ever since.
A test group tested a new Chuck Norris game for Xbox Kinect. No one survived.
Chuck Norris was only defeated once by Bruce Lee, and look what happened to him
Sephiroth said, "Shall i give you despair?" Chuck said, "...." then Sephiroth suddenly died.
Superman can fly. But Chuck Norris can force him to land with a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris had a staring contest with Medusa, and won.
Chuck Norris was walking in his neighborhood and kicked a bottle at the side of the road which hit Justin Bieber
A blind man ran into Chuck Norris and got his sight back. Unfortunately, the first and last thing he saw was a roundhouse kick to the face.
Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
Chuck Norris is so freaking bad if you ever see him fighting a grizzly bear you better jump in and help the bear!!!
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Got this from n4g.com
"You keep him busy while I pop back for that launcher we saw earlier."
"Though flawed, your democratic culture is, on consideration, preferable to the totalitarian hellhole that is my own. I want to defect."
"I wish you wouldn't talk so loudly. You're making our position very obvious."
"I just shot him five times in the head and he didn't die. Stupid host advantage."
"I suggest we don't stand with our back to the door."
"My wife gave birth today, you unfeeling monster."
"Interesting fact: if you jog sideways and jump while you're shooting, you're much less likely to get shot in the head."
"He'll regret wasting those rockets on us when the juggernauts get here. What a n00b."
"Let's all hide under the corpses of our recently slain comrades, then shoot him as he's leaving."
"Cease this madness! They want us to hate one another, but really, we are brothers."
"Those soldiers he's with are indestructible. Perhaps if we stun one we can use him as cover."
"Hey, rather than trying to hold this area by ourselves, why don't we fall back and team up with the guys in the room along?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. Using my built-in triangulation system, and despite thick undergrowth, fog and night time conditions, I can determine exactly where that suppressed sniper bullet came from."
"Seeing as that guy died popping his head out of cover at precisely that spot, I will now refrain from doing exactly the same."
"Watch out. The bastard's using auto-aim."
"I wonder if you're alert to the irony of waging war to preserve world peace."
"You totally stole my kill, dude."
"OK, the music's started. Places, everyone."
"You know, I could have sworn I heard a bunch of people get shot round the corner, probably just my imagination."
"I seem to have run out of ammo."
"If we must have all these volatile oil drums right by our positions, let's at least stack them by the area entrance."
How to Get to Heaven
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her pet
cat lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs
in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles,
and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Tiddles is dead Lucy". "So why are his legs
sticking up in the air like that Daddy?" asked Lucy
as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something
to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing
straight up in the air so that it will be easier for
Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg
and lift Tiddles up to heaven".
Little Lucy seemed to take her cats death quite well.
However two days later when her father came home from
work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said, "Mummy almost
died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened
the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean
Lucy? "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for
work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with
her legs in the air and she was shouting "Oh Jesus!!!
I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for
the milkman holding her down she would definitely have