i've had a few folks come up to me and ask me adivce on how to make their life's less "smelly." well, you see, folks....the answer is simple...and below i describe it in wonderful, metaphorical detail...enjoy.
life can sometimes smell bad, like ripe diapers in summertime. how does life manage to get such a stench? it's simple. sometimes people like you and me forget to give our life a shower and use our built-in soaps on it. so we sit through life as all of the dirt and filth of failures, embarrassments, and just plain stupid things we do begins to go all stagnant on our life's body.
you see, our life is a cripple. it's paralyzed from the neck down. therefore, we must constantly take care of our life, otherwise it's gonna have brown skidmarks in it's underwear. it's our duty to keep our life's underwear clean, as well as making sure that our life itself is clean.
if we decide to stop taking care of our life, it will not be pleasant. life's horrible stench will once again pass though your nasal cavity and trigger you to do something that you'll regret, like streaking down downtown seattle. or, the stench may also remind you of the other stenches, bringing back bad memories.
however, if you can find a special non-stench soap in yourself (the best brand is called "the brain") then you have a good possibility of countering these evil deeds brought upon you by the horrible stench. in order to use the brain brand of soap, you must also learn how to properly use it. the brain itself is worthless until you stick the cleaning power onto it. this cleaning power is referred to as "knowledge." with this "knowledge" attached to your bar of brain soap, you have a good chance of preventing any kind of stenches that life can throw at you.
but, there's always a catch. you see, our bodies also have another brand of soap, called our "heart." knowledge cannot attach itself to this bar of soap. Instead, when using this soap, one must attach a cleaning power known as "love." the downside of "love" is that some of the stenches in life are immune to "love's" cleaning power and it can ultimately make the stench even stronger. this brand of soap can often be very helpful in cleaning your life, but if used too much, and without the brain brand as well, it can cause your life you have very bad and lingering gas.
some guys have a third brand of soap, referred to as the "weewee" brand. unfortunately, too many guys use this soap exclusively and it causes their life to smell worse than my sister's feet…which trust me, is a horrible, horrible stench. the soap by itself already doesn't smell all that good, and just slightly smells better than the stenches of life. the weewee's cleaning power is effected by "dirty thoughts" that attach themselves to it. as the name implies, the "dirty thoughts" are already pretty filthy and although they do pick up the dirt of the stenches, they also leave behind their own filth, which can ultimately lead to an even worse stench. this brand of soap should never be used, as the soap's fumes are toxic and can be dangerous to breathe in. i have witnessed several of my friends who have used this soap on many occasions and it only caused a severe stench that nearly made them pass out. so, i repeat, never use this brand of soap.
life can often smell, like the fart from a limburger cheese, so use your brain soap to clean up that stench. on certain occasions, you can use your heart brand of soap, however it's best to not use either brand exclusively or it may backfire on you. and, of course, stay away from the weewee soap, it will lead your life to smelling like you just took a swim in a port-a-potty. and that's not a good thing…that's a smelly thing.
hopefully, that clears things up...and while weewee soap doesn't apply to girls when you base stuff on stereotypes, i know for a fact that there are plenty of females who use that soap like a crazed albino uses sun screen outdoors. so....really, that should help everyone out....all genders....all ethnics....all species.....all other stuff. yup. now excuse me, i must watch the thrilling conclusion to the movie "junior." i hope arnold schwartzenegger gives birth to a little boy...i really do.
go arnold!!
