I was talking to a friend about my previous post on here about the darkness in my heart. He was talking about how I want to find the calm of the darkness and that is very true that is what I was searching for. The calmness and the peace and the security of darkness and all that it offers. Here is what I got from that conversation.
What he said rang very true that I am never going to find a man to lead me into that darkness; but as I told him I am not searching for someone to lead me but for someone to join me. I know that I can’t be lead into the place I want to find but I also know that I don’t want to venture there alone. So he told me that it is a trait in men that they want a woman to follow them but yet they never lead them anywhere, and that very few will ever be willing to join on such a journey. Yeah, I guess I knew this, he explained that I would have to hold a man’s hand to get him to go with me.
Up until this point I thought I had been ready to do that. I thought I was ready to hold someone’s hand as I found where I wanted to be. Yet, at that same time when we were talking about it being a wall that we need to climb it dawned on me that I do not want to climb anymore. I am not going to reach for that hand anymore. I’m not even looking to make that journey really.
I realized that I am never going to find what I want and the few times in life that I have I was wrong. So, now I will be content with the memories of somewhat joyous moments that I have had in life. I will sit and be content with what I have been given in life and accept that things are not gong to change. I figure as long as I can realize this now it won’t hurt so badly later. I will in time come to terms with this.
I wrote a blog for my friends on myspace which is about this same thing except a little more detailed in which I said that I am more than likely deleting my accounts on here and on there as well. I will more than likely just give up my internet connection altogether as well as a few other things that keep me connected to people which are just driving me insane more than helping me in any way. Hey we all have to accept what life has handed us and move on. This may just be my time to do so . . .
