* When Chuck Norris goes cow-tipping, he lifts a cow up and drop kicks it into the neighboring farm. All the other cows simply tip themselves over to keep from having to walk back in the dark.
*We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
*The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
*Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
*Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
*Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.
*Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
*Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
*Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
*Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
*The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.
*Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
*Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
*If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
*Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
*Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
*Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.
*Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
*The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things
*Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
*When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
*Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
*Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
*Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
*A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.
*Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
*The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
