* Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
* If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
* If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
* Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
* Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
* MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
* Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
* What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
* Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
* The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
* There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
* Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
* The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
* Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
* The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
* Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
* Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
* When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
* On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
* Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
* Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
* Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
* Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
* It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
* Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
* It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
* Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
* That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
* Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
* Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
* Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
* Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
* As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
* Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
* Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
* Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
* Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
* It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
* Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
* Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
* Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
* When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
* Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
* "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
* Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
* Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
* Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
* Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
* Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
* When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
* Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
* Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
* Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
* Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
