Every single year... it hits me at a different time... Sometimes right after thanksgiving... sometime not until the day of Christmas. But it always hits me. This feeling in my stomach... like, this is just, not right. My mom should be here. Christmas was her favorite holiday. She loved it. I mean of course it's a lot of people's favorite holiday... but my mother always went overboard with gifts and decorations. Sometime this morning, while the girls and I put up the tree (between work and the death of my nephew we haven't had time yet....) I'm going to watch the home movies from when I was little... Somehow it helps. I just hate it so much. My mom should be here. She would have been so happy right now. Helping me and the girls. God, she would have been an amazing grandma. All my mother ever wanted was to be a mom, and grandma. She was so loving and so caring, so compassionate. She always wanted to make sure everyone was happy. Esp. me and my brother. And at Christmas... man... we had a blast. My mom went out of her way to make sure everything was perfect. And it always was.
I'll never stop blaming nor hating that doctor. I'll never get past the bullshit he pulled. If he had done his job... and done it CORRECTLY.... my mother quite possibly could still be alive. Sure, she may not have made it that first few years with all teh anti-rejection drugs. Fuck, she would have been on drugs the rest of her life... but, she would have had that chance... They were about to release her. My mom was gonna come home to me... This just isn't fair...
But, I suppose thats why they say life isnt fair. Soon, the girl will wake up, and we're going to start getting prepared for santa to come visit. They are SO excited. Tash cold hardly sleep last night she was so excited.
I'm not sure whats going to happen this Christmas. I have two things to do today, plus work... and then do everything for the girls in the morning... wow. My 4th Christmas as a mother too. (5th if you count the fact that I was a BLIMP in 2002) I guess this is why my mother looked forward to Christmas so much. Making everything special for me. She always did.
